I miss writing on here terribly. I miss writing comments. I miss reading about your lives. I miss feeling connected to the only people who understand my pain.
The past few days have been hell. My depression is just lingering. I can feel it under my skin, it creeps around giving me chills, causing horrible aching pain all over; yet I don't even look as if I'm depressed. I can't cry, I can't cut, I can't hit, I can't do a single thing to get rid of this feeling and these thoughts. Landon is starting to understand that I really honestly don't have a reason for being this way. Our relationship has been good. We've been happy. There hasn't been fights. Yet I sit there and look as if my world has just fallen apart, as if everyone I have ever known is gone forever. I don't know why I feel this way! I don't know why I have to keep going on. I want to die so badly you have no idea. I've never gotten to the point of holding a kitchen knife in my hand with the point digging into your chest; breathing so deeply; just wishing that you could ram the damn knife straight through your heart.....until now. I dream of downing Robitussin with codeine, a bottle of diet pills, and zoloft just to see if that could do the trick.
My mind is a sick, violent, dark swirl of a child that used to be. My heart aches all the time. It literally hurts. I hate seeing people.
What goes so wrong to someones mind that they are so severely depressed even on their brightest days? What goes so wrong that it drives someone to the point of not wanting to exist any longer? And, when did did that something go wrong in my mind? Tell me how to fix it. Please I'm begging you.
I'm sick to my stomach most of the time now. I want food but I know I can't. Landon sees me struggling with it. He asks me what's wrong and I tell him I wish I could eat without thinking of everything wrong with the food. He's starting to be more understanding...I feel bad that I've driven myself to this. I can't even go into the grocery store without wandering for 1 whole hour and then finally deciding on getting a damn KIWI! I fight with her more and more to eat now. I'm constantly struggling between the torture of starving or the torture of eating. & then I finally do it I want to throw it up within the next couple minutes. And I don't want to throw it up because I feel bad (which I really fucking do I hate when I let myself eat) but I want to throw up because my body feels physically sick.
I've been fighting to eat as little as possible and it's gone decently. I eat at least one bad thing a day and it kills me but I have no choice now that Landon is around all the time.
I AM OFFICIALLY UNDER 90 LBS THOUGH!!!!!!
88.0 LBS to be exact. It gives me a BMI of 16.1. I really really want to keep it this low and hope it goes lower but fasting and restricting is so difficult when I'm always home. I need to go back to having a job so I'm not watched all the time.
Sorry for the long long post.
I miss you all so much and I really mean that.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
possible trigger, rant, bitch, nonsense
fuck i am seriously such a horrible blogger/commenter without a computer. I am truly sorry. I feel my life collapsing all around me and it'll all hit the ground soon....and I don't know what I'll be able to do anymore.
Dreams of slicing open my thighs to see whats causing them to be so big.
Waking up having the strongest urge to take that kitchen knife and drive it into your chest as deep as possible.
Not being able to stand being around people to the point you want to suffocate them every time you hear them breath.
Feeling so guilty and sick from taking the smallest bite of ice cream because your little sister begged you to.
Wanting to beat myself black and blue so every movement I make I'm in pain, it distracts me from the monster inside screaming at me to slice open my throat.
Being able to watch movies with tons of gore, violence, killing, death, because you envy the people dying; when they used to terrify you to where you couldn't sleep for days.
Drawing the cuts you want to be carving in your arms over and over.
I ate like a beast yesterday. I didn't want to touch food. I feel so ashamed. Even Landon was looking at me like I was disgusting. I kept picking up the giant cookie I was given, and he kept just looking at me saying "really??" every time.
I wish I didn't have any connection to any person on this planet. I wish my death wouldn't affect anyone. I want to jump off that cliff at that one beautiful peaceful moment that will finally be my last. I want to jump and know that I'm finally free from this mind and body. My soul will be let go. I won't cry ever again. I wont cut. I wont scream. I wont fight. I wont do anything every again. I wont feel one ounce of emotion. I will be gone.
Sorry if my post has bothered or triggered anyone I really didn't mean for that, but I really have no one to vent to....this blog is the only place my feelings are heard or seen. I'm absolutely alone here...I don't have one person in my real life I can interact with and be understood. I've been pushing my limits with everything I do lately. I tell myself what will one more do....one more hit? one more pill? will it make me end up in the hospital? dead? or just sick?
God, if only my therapist could read this blog....then they'd really force me into something. They already hate letting me leave the place because they thing i'm going to go kill myself. But they've never heard how I have it planned...I tell them I haven't thought, or found that beautiful moment yet....I have it all pictured out in my mind. I don't care how unrealistic it is...It's what i'm clinging onto right now.
All I do is rant and bitch. I'm not doing anything with my life or myself. I'm lying to people again. I can feel karma starting to come bite me in the ass every time I lie too. I believe in karma and it always seems to hit me very soon after I have done something bad. I hate it -___-
Dreams of slicing open my thighs to see whats causing them to be so big.
Waking up having the strongest urge to take that kitchen knife and drive it into your chest as deep as possible.
Not being able to stand being around people to the point you want to suffocate them every time you hear them breath.
Feeling so guilty and sick from taking the smallest bite of ice cream because your little sister begged you to.
Wanting to beat myself black and blue so every movement I make I'm in pain, it distracts me from the monster inside screaming at me to slice open my throat.
Being able to watch movies with tons of gore, violence, killing, death, because you envy the people dying; when they used to terrify you to where you couldn't sleep for days.
Drawing the cuts you want to be carving in your arms over and over.
I ate like a beast yesterday. I didn't want to touch food. I feel so ashamed. Even Landon was looking at me like I was disgusting. I kept picking up the giant cookie I was given, and he kept just looking at me saying "really??" every time.
I wish I didn't have any connection to any person on this planet. I wish my death wouldn't affect anyone. I want to jump off that cliff at that one beautiful peaceful moment that will finally be my last. I want to jump and know that I'm finally free from this mind and body. My soul will be let go. I won't cry ever again. I wont cut. I wont scream. I wont fight. I wont do anything every again. I wont feel one ounce of emotion. I will be gone.
Sorry if my post has bothered or triggered anyone I really didn't mean for that, but I really have no one to vent to....this blog is the only place my feelings are heard or seen. I'm absolutely alone here...I don't have one person in my real life I can interact with and be understood. I've been pushing my limits with everything I do lately. I tell myself what will one more do....one more hit? one more pill? will it make me end up in the hospital? dead? or just sick?
God, if only my therapist could read this blog....then they'd really force me into something. They already hate letting me leave the place because they thing i'm going to go kill myself. But they've never heard how I have it planned...I tell them I haven't thought, or found that beautiful moment yet....I have it all pictured out in my mind. I don't care how unrealistic it is...It's what i'm clinging onto right now.
All I do is rant and bitch. I'm not doing anything with my life or myself. I'm lying to people again. I can feel karma starting to come bite me in the ass every time I lie too. I believe in karma and it always seems to hit me very soon after I have done something bad. I hate it -___-
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Outpatient?
I'm actually very frightened.
Yesterday I had an appointment with my therapist, Mellisa.
She started to irritate me during the session so I started having some attitude and then she came over and saw all my scars, fresh cuts....and she instantly told me she doesn't feel safe letting me leave
So after fighting with her for a bit we finally settle on me coming in twice a week instead of once a week.
But then! she decided I needed and an emergency assessment.
So for another hour I sat there explaining, crying, talking, answering her questions.
They want me to start a 15 week Adult Intensive Outpatient Program on Monday -_____-
They drug test so I can't smoke at all.
I have to go in 3 times a week for 3 hours and Friday meetings are with family!
I just feel absolutely horrible worse than i've been lately and I don't know what to do!
I've been stuck at 92 lbs and I don't know how that's possible. I weighed myself with sweats, and a big sweater on and it said 92.8 lbs so I take off all my clothes and it's still the same! What is wrong with me I will always be a fat cow.
& fucking worse today we're having a lunch for my birthday and there's going to be pizza, lasagna, salad, breadsticks, cupcakes, cookies, ice cream and I just want to throw it all away and scream at them for getting it! but then they just want to give me a good time but they don't understand what I'm going thru with food right now.
I have my psychologist appointment at 10:15 this morning and I'm going to see what he thinks about the program....I don't know why they would want to put me in group therapy when I can't even get myself to go to a job interview....I have such bad social anxiety and it only makes it worse thinking about having to go into a room filled wth people talking about their problems and feelings and it'll most likely make me burst into tears...
sorry for the pointless rant
Yesterday I had an appointment with my therapist, Mellisa.
She started to irritate me during the session so I started having some attitude and then she came over and saw all my scars, fresh cuts....and she instantly told me she doesn't feel safe letting me leave
So after fighting with her for a bit we finally settle on me coming in twice a week instead of once a week.
But then! she decided I needed and an emergency assessment.
So for another hour I sat there explaining, crying, talking, answering her questions.
They want me to start a 15 week Adult Intensive Outpatient Program on Monday -_____-
They drug test so I can't smoke at all.
I have to go in 3 times a week for 3 hours and Friday meetings are with family!
I just feel absolutely horrible worse than i've been lately and I don't know what to do!
I've been stuck at 92 lbs and I don't know how that's possible. I weighed myself with sweats, and a big sweater on and it said 92.8 lbs so I take off all my clothes and it's still the same! What is wrong with me I will always be a fat cow.
& fucking worse today we're having a lunch for my birthday and there's going to be pizza, lasagna, salad, breadsticks, cupcakes, cookies, ice cream and I just want to throw it all away and scream at them for getting it! but then they just want to give me a good time but they don't understand what I'm going thru with food right now.
I have my psychologist appointment at 10:15 this morning and I'm going to see what he thinks about the program....I don't know why they would want to put me in group therapy when I can't even get myself to go to a job interview....I have such bad social anxiety and it only makes it worse thinking about having to go into a room filled wth people talking about their problems and feelings and it'll most likely make me burst into tears...
sorry for the pointless rant
Friday, October 19, 2012
God this is the reason why I never come home!!! There is food everywhere. French bread slices (easier to binge on), coconut cake, 3 flavors of ice cream, pumpkin souffles, chips, cheese, fucking everything under the sun and I can't touch any of it no matter how much my stomach is screaming at myself....
fuck i just remember i probably should go weigh myself since i binged massively last fucking night after my horrible day of non stop crying over what?? I don't even know just a mixture of my life finally hitting me?....fuck i'm about to go step on that scale.....i can't get myself to get off this computer i'm so fucking scared. If i'm over 95 lbs fuck my legs are going to end up so much worse than i've already made them :'( ughhh here it goes.....................
92 lbs still! fuck well what do i expect for being a cow and eating the past few days. i guess its better than gaining.
I have therapy in a couple minutes and it sucks I don't like her and I have been having a really bad few days and I don't want her to be the one I have to let it all out to. God damn it. I thought I was getting better and within a couple of minutes my life came spiraling back down.
I have no job, now on academic probation, i backed my car up into a pole, i need an oil change for my car, i need new tires for my car, i need a new headlight for my car, i need to get my tooth infection fixed before it kills me, my dad's fucking using again, my mom is completely stressed and trying to keep it together for everyone. My life will always have stress. Always.
fuck i just remember i probably should go weigh myself since i binged massively last fucking night after my horrible day of non stop crying over what?? I don't even know just a mixture of my life finally hitting me?....fuck i'm about to go step on that scale.....i can't get myself to get off this computer i'm so fucking scared. If i'm over 95 lbs fuck my legs are going to end up so much worse than i've already made them :'( ughhh here it goes.....................
92 lbs still! fuck well what do i expect for being a cow and eating the past few days. i guess its better than gaining.
I have therapy in a couple minutes and it sucks I don't like her and I have been having a really bad few days and I don't want her to be the one I have to let it all out to. God damn it. I thought I was getting better and within a couple of minutes my life came spiraling back down.
I have no job, now on academic probation, i backed my car up into a pole, i need an oil change for my car, i need new tires for my car, i need a new headlight for my car, i need to get my tooth infection fixed before it kills me, my dad's fucking using again, my mom is completely stressed and trying to keep it together for everyone. My life will always have stress. Always.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Early Birthday Present
Today I really contemplated quitting my job but then decided to wait and think about it until Thursday....
My boss called me at work to tell me that she has decided to let me go....
for the most bullshit answer
"i'm too comfortable with you up there. I need someone fulltime and i'm hoping with you gone i'll be motivated to start good hiring so I have to let you go"
seriously?! and you CALLED me while I was at work. That seems so unprofessional.
Happy Birthday to me right?
My boss called me at work to tell me that she has decided to let me go....
for the most bullshit answer
"i'm too comfortable with you up there. I need someone fulltime and i'm hoping with you gone i'll be motivated to start good hiring so I have to let you go"
seriously?! and you CALLED me while I was at work. That seems so unprofessional.
Happy Birthday to me right?
Changes from a year ago
Holy Crap this picture if from Halloween 2011. I had to have been at least 145-150 lbs. Never ever ever again. & yes that is landon making a face for the camera lol
Monday, October 15, 2012
There's no arguing that I'm a disgusting PIG.
Still a big fat fucking whale. I will never ever ever be 80 lbs
I'm such a pathetic fake fucking loser who doesn't even deserve to breath.
Take me away.
So after my fucking binge last night what do I eat this morning??
Coffee - 35 calories
Apple - 70 calories
tiny tiny piece of toast - 50?
egg white - 60 calories
& I'm about to eat again I really DO NOT WANT TO!....but i'm on the verge of tears just because I'm so fed up with these feelings feeling soooo bottled up and I can't release them at all. Its just becoming crowded where all of them stay. Crowded, cluttered, dark, crammed, and scared. I literally have no idea what the fuck I'm going to tell Landon when he sees my random cut on my hip, wrist, forearm, and chest where i stabbed the razor into myself repeatedly....He saw me hit mystomach yesterday and he told me that I'm becoming a schizo....apparently he thinks thats how schizo's start out. Least I'd have an excuse why my mind is so fucked .....
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I'm such a pathetic fake fucking loser who doesn't even deserve to breath.
Take me away.
So after my fucking binge last night what do I eat this morning??
Coffee - 35 calories
Apple - 70 calories
tiny tiny piece of toast - 50?
egg white - 60 calories
& I'm about to eat again I really DO NOT WANT TO!....but i'm on the verge of tears just because I'm so fed up with these feelings feeling soooo bottled up and I can't release them at all. Its just becoming crowded where all of them stay. Crowded, cluttered, dark, crammed, and scared. I literally have no idea what the fuck I'm going to tell Landon when he sees my random cut on my hip, wrist, forearm, and chest where i stabbed the razor into myself repeatedly....He saw me hit mystomach yesterday and he told me that I'm becoming a schizo....apparently he thinks thats how schizo's start out. Least I'd have an excuse why my mind is so fucked .....
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I know, I should be asleep
Is it sad that I really fucking wish I wasn't in a relationship so I could starve, cut, and bruise in piece? That it completely fucking kills me every day that I have no source of outlet for the pain residing and oozing out of every poor of my body. Seeing every one's cuts, and darkened scars....it taunts me. I want that. I NEED that. My body hurts. I hurt. There are times where I just want to cut around my ribs just so they'll be more prominent. Cut off the huge chunks of fat lingering in places it doesn't belong.
This problem I'm having with food has officially taken over. Two days ago I spent hours and hours reading ED blogs. I couldn't eat, and when I was forced to it literally wouldn't go down my throat. It haunted me in my dreams that night. I haven't gone a second since where my mind in not on anything other than food, bones, being skinny, calories, and fat. It is now always the only thing on my mind before I go to sleep, and when I wake up. But honestly, I don't feel like I have a problem. I feel like everyone is worse off than me, and I'm just being a pathetic loser crying for attention. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I feel like a complete joke to anyone and everyone. But my mind, and my stomach won't let me forget.
I'm never going to look good though. I have a horrible face. Everyone is constantly asking me if I'm all right, or if I'm mad, or "jokingly" saying "don't worry everything will be alright don't look as if the world is about to end"....yeah I guess I just have that look...desperation, despair, sadness, anger. I look into my own eyes and they droop with sadness and the unknown. These eyes don't even look as if they belong with the rest of my facial features.
Can I please just be given a new body for my birthday and nothing else. One that is tall, long legs, slender and toned, beautiful long hair, perfect facial features, frail, pale, just absolutely lovely..
I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Its 3:30 a.m. and I'm not even close to getting any sleep. I just want to be able to wake up in the morning, make my meals for the day, clean, exercise and just be alone.
I'm thinking of stopping my meds for a bit, just because I need to be able to feel something. Like these emotions, I'm feeling them, but my body isnt reacting and I feel worse than ever.
I'm sad, fat, and alone.
Is it weird that it's not 4 AM and all I want to do is go outside and run and run until the sun comes up? I'm trying so hard not to cut. I can't even think of a place Landon won't see it.
This problem I'm having with food has officially taken over. Two days ago I spent hours and hours reading ED blogs. I couldn't eat, and when I was forced to it literally wouldn't go down my throat. It haunted me in my dreams that night. I haven't gone a second since where my mind in not on anything other than food, bones, being skinny, calories, and fat. It is now always the only thing on my mind before I go to sleep, and when I wake up. But honestly, I don't feel like I have a problem. I feel like everyone is worse off than me, and I'm just being a pathetic loser crying for attention. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I feel like a complete joke to anyone and everyone. But my mind, and my stomach won't let me forget.
I'm never going to look good though. I have a horrible face. Everyone is constantly asking me if I'm all right, or if I'm mad, or "jokingly" saying "don't worry everything will be alright don't look as if the world is about to end"....yeah I guess I just have that look...desperation, despair, sadness, anger. I look into my own eyes and they droop with sadness and the unknown. These eyes don't even look as if they belong with the rest of my facial features.
Can I please just be given a new body for my birthday and nothing else. One that is tall, long legs, slender and toned, beautiful long hair, perfect facial features, frail, pale, just absolutely lovely..
I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Its 3:30 a.m. and I'm not even close to getting any sleep. I just want to be able to wake up in the morning, make my meals for the day, clean, exercise and just be alone.
I'm thinking of stopping my meds for a bit, just because I need to be able to feel something. Like these emotions, I'm feeling them, but my body isnt reacting and I feel worse than ever.
I'm sad, fat, and alone.
Im a fucking idiot
wow up until fucking tonight I thought I was going to have a decent post, but fuck!
I blame Landon! I had done so well I was down to 91 lbs and Saturday I went to LA Burning Man and walked around for 9 hours burning around 1800 calories and my intake was less than 500! So today Landon forces me to eat some Dominoes Breadbites, ice cream cone, peanut M&Ms, then I snacked on crackers, some new vitamin cookies I got, and some peanuts! Just to come home and see I weigh 95 fucking lbs now :'( god damn it. fuck me i fucking suck. & i'm stressing out about god damn birthday meals i'm going to have to try to avoid this week. I've never been one to purge but god do I want to so badly now. I may just go and cut. & what's kind of irritating me right now is that i'm so mad, and sad, and disappointed but my body doesnt react. I feel like crying but it just wont happen. I'm just stuck with these feelings that never get out :'(
I blame Landon! I had done so well I was down to 91 lbs and Saturday I went to LA Burning Man and walked around for 9 hours burning around 1800 calories and my intake was less than 500! So today Landon forces me to eat some Dominoes Breadbites, ice cream cone, peanut M&Ms, then I snacked on crackers, some new vitamin cookies I got, and some peanuts! Just to come home and see I weigh 95 fucking lbs now :'( god damn it. fuck me i fucking suck. & i'm stressing out about god damn birthday meals i'm going to have to try to avoid this week. I've never been one to purge but god do I want to so badly now. I may just go and cut. & what's kind of irritating me right now is that i'm so mad, and sad, and disappointed but my body doesnt react. I feel like crying but it just wont happen. I'm just stuck with these feelings that never get out :'(
Thursday, October 11, 2012
I need more time
I wish I had time to properly write a post but work is so crazy today :(
92.4 lbs as of this morning.
My goal is to be 80 lbs by wednesday, October 17th, my birthday.
I will accomplish this.
I won't let this weekend fuck me up.
I've got this new monster though.
It completely has controlled my hunger problems.
It yells at me.
It tells me every reason why I should not put that in my mouth.
I wake up though, and this monster seems to consume my entire mind.
The urge to be violent has never been stronger.
I feel stronger in a way.
I feel unusually different.
I'm meeting with a new therapist tomorrow.
I'm nervous.
I don't like how she looks.
She gives me a bad vibe already, but my psychiatrist told me to give it a chance. He wants me seeing someone at least twice a week...
He is pretty oblivious to me not eating, but i'm afraid she'll take note of it.
92.4 lbs as of this morning.
My goal is to be 80 lbs by wednesday, October 17th, my birthday.
I will accomplish this.
I won't let this weekend fuck me up.
I've got this new monster though.
It completely has controlled my hunger problems.
It yells at me.
It tells me every reason why I should not put that in my mouth.
I wake up though, and this monster seems to consume my entire mind.
The urge to be violent has never been stronger.
I feel stronger in a way.
I feel unusually different.
I'm meeting with a new therapist tomorrow.
I'm nervous.
I don't like how she looks.
She gives me a bad vibe already, but my psychiatrist told me to give it a chance. He wants me seeing someone at least twice a week...
He is pretty oblivious to me not eating, but i'm afraid she'll take note of it.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
EXTREME ED BLOG **MAY BE TRIGGERING
fuck my sanity is gone.
I got through my day because of the fucking amazing, constant support from The Lovely Bones <3
I love you so much & I don't know where I'd be without you now.
95 lbs this morning.
I've restricted up the ass today.
I've only had about a cup of fruit, water, coffee, and diet pepsi.
I'm motivated to show this medication that it cannot take over MY body.
This is ME, and my chance to become perfect.
Stupid meds, and food are not going to ruin what i've fought for!
Ill be 80 lbs soon...just gotta keep pushing and believing I can
fuck my sanity is gone.
I got through my day because of the fucking amazing, constant support from The Lovely Bones <3
I love you so much & I don't know where I'd be without you now.
95 lbs this morning.
I've restricted up the ass today.
I've only had about a cup of fruit, water, coffee, and diet pepsi.
I'm motivated to show this medication that it cannot take over MY body.
This is ME, and my chance to become perfect.
Stupid meds, and food are not going to ruin what i've fought for!
Ill be 80 lbs soon...just gotta keep pushing and believing I can
Monday, October 8, 2012
Who is this?
I'm angry. I'm angry at what these pills have done to me. They give me no motivation for anything in life. Which in turns makes me do things that make me hate myself. I'm back up to 98 lbs!!! are you fucking kidding me?! It's like my mind is fighting with myself...I don't want to eat, I don't want the calories, the fat, the salt, the sugar I don't want it! but my body doesn't listen. Without even realizing it my hand is already reaching for the food and it's entering my fat foul mouth. I thought I was making progress but as I can see today that I have no. My thigh gap is almost non existent, my stomach has a giant blob sticking out, I have fat coming out of places I'd never seen before and I just want to break everything around me. I haven't ate today and I really DO NOT WANT TO. It's 3:00 PM right now and I think I'll be able to last not eating until around 11 PM tonight then I can nap at Landon's, drive home, weigh myself, go to bed....I WILL TAKE OVER THIS
I've had a lot on my mind lately though....one thing in specific that I've never even let myself comes to terms with...when I was younger I was a huge tomboy. I always played boy sports with all boy teams, I dressed in basketball shorts and tshirts, hair was combed into a ponytail every day...everyone always told me growing up I was most likely going to be lesbian, and i usually heard it mostly from my family. I never liked the idea of them being right, and judging me for it so it's always been far away in my mind. I've never found myself attracted to other girls bodies, I like how they look but they don't get me goin ya know?....but I've always found that when I do finally have "friends" that are girls I get a bit too attached...I get how I get when I have a boyfriend...wondering if they'll text me...or what they're doing and when I'm about to see them I do get a nervous feeling....I get jealous when they become better friends with another girl...and it's like with girls my entire life I've always felt awkward, nervous, and intimidated whenever I'm around any, especially girls I do not know. Guys on the other hand i'm perfectly comfortable with. I can flirt, have fun, have conversation, I don't get any anxiety unless they're like fucking GORGEOUS...but not that often to I find myself nervous meeting a guy for the first time...I've never even gotten close to finding out if I would ever have feelings towards a girl except once last year when Landon and I were at a party I got extremely drunk (reason why I do not drink anymore) and was ALL OVER this girl who was texting her boyfriend and kept trying to take her phone, we were flirting, and I almost kissed her but I don't know what happened...I don't even remember walking outside to the car...Landon always tells me I would be the one girlfriend who leaves him for another girl...I don't know what or how to feel....because honestly its been on my mind like crazy....or maybe i'm just like this towards girls because i've always had a lack of female friends?...I feel very confused, like really fucking annoyingly confused. Sex hasn't even been good lately because of this issue. I just want to wrap myself up in a bubble forever.
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