I know, I should be asleep

Is it sad that I really fucking wish I wasn't in a relationship so I could starve, cut, and bruise in piece? That it completely fucking kills me every day that I have no source of outlet for the pain residing and oozing out of every poor of my body. Seeing every one's cuts, and darkened scars....it taunts me. I want that. I NEED that. My body hurts. I hurt. There are times where I just want to cut around my ribs just so they'll be more prominent. Cut off the huge chunks of fat lingering in places it doesn't belong.

This problem I'm having with food has officially taken over. Two days ago I spent hours and hours reading ED blogs. I couldn't eat, and when I was forced to it literally wouldn't go down my throat. It haunted me in my dreams that night. I haven't gone a second since where my mind in not on anything other than food, bones, being skinny, calories, and fat. It is now always the only thing on my mind before I go to sleep, and when I wake up. But honestly, I don't feel like I have a problem. I feel like everyone is worse off than me, and I'm just being a pathetic loser crying for attention. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I feel like a complete joke to anyone and everyone. But my mind, and my stomach won't let me forget.

I'm never going to look good though. I have a horrible face. Everyone is constantly asking me if I'm all right, or if I'm mad, or "jokingly" saying "don't worry everything will be alright don't look as if the world is about to end"....yeah I guess I just have that look...desperation, despair, sadness, anger. I look into my own eyes and they droop with sadness and the unknown. These eyes don't even look as if they belong with the rest of my facial features.

 Can I please just be given a new body for my birthday and nothing else. One that is tall, long legs, slender and toned, beautiful long hair, perfect facial features, frail, pale, just absolutely lovely..

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. Its 3:30 a.m. and I'm not even close to getting any sleep. I just want to be able to wake up in the morning, make my meals for the day, clean, exercise and just be alone.

I'm thinking of stopping my meds for a bit, just because I need to be able to feel something. Like these emotions, I'm feeling them, but my body isnt reacting and I feel worse than ever.

I'm sad, fat, and alone.

Is it weird that it's not 4 AM and all I want to do is go outside and run and run until the sun comes up? I'm trying so hard not to cut. I can't even think of a place Landon won't see it.