wow up until fucking tonight I thought I was going to have a decent post, but fuck!
I blame Landon! I had done so well I was down to 91 lbs and Saturday I went to LA Burning Man and walked around for 9 hours burning around 1800 calories and my intake was less than 500! So today Landon forces me to eat some Dominoes Breadbites, ice cream cone, peanut M&Ms, then I snacked on crackers, some new vitamin cookies I got, and some peanuts! Just to come home and see I weigh 95 fucking lbs now :'( god damn it. fuck me i fucking suck. & i'm stressing out about god damn birthday meals i'm going to have to try to avoid this week. I've never been one to purge but god do I want to so badly now. I may just go and cut. & what's kind of irritating me right now is that i'm so mad, and sad, and disappointed but my body doesnt react. I feel like crying but it just wont happen. I'm just stuck with these feelings that never get out :'(
Love you darling. It's probably just food weight not actual weight, I'm sure it will go down. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what's happened to me since we last spoke :( I feel horrible and like a huge failure and purging is an option that keeps shoving itself at me every single time I eat and it scares me because i've never thought of doing it before until now and I have to fight the urge
DeleteAre you still taking your medication? Have you spoken to your psychiatrist at all?
DeletePlease, please don't purge. It will make you gain weight because it really quickly gets addictive and you'll use it to justify 100000 binges a day.
I know I'm such a hypocrite, but please try not to. I'd hate for you to get trapped in the binge/purge cycle. It's disgusting and degrading and I'd wish it on no one. Please stay strong, you're amazing. It's your birthday in a few hours, just stay strong, and from your birthday onwards set some new goals. A new year and a new start. Love you.