It's sad that I'm not even trying not to eat today and from how much shit is happening my body refuses food. I get a cold sweat, then chills all over, then my body wants the food all out. I don't feel good :( I'm sad, alone and even seeing Landon didn't make it better. Even though he's seemed to get over everything. I have such a love hate thing for him. I don't know which one is overpowering me right now. I just want to be fuking okay! I want to be able to think or draw without being clouded and blocked. I want to be ME again god dammit! I just want to get my drawing back. I have all these ideas in my head but as soon as i put that pencil in my hand it disappears and what I imagined isn't what is on the paper.



I just want a fucking break already! PLEASE!!!!!!

It will forever be the same

Nothing's worse than finding out your boyfriend watches porn of girls that are completely opposite of you, and complains about how your boobs shrunk, and goes and looks up Blake Lively's (who he's said he thinks is the ugliest girl ever) fucking cup size. And I have no right to get mad? Because a year ago I hit him in the face. Because a year a go I added ex's on facebook. Because a year ago I lied and hid things from him. So I can't get mad apparently. Let's just say I felt so shriveled up and alone I could have easily killed myself. But, all I did was scratch the shit out of my neck without realizing it. So I have deep scratch marks going down my throat to my chest. Awesome, how do I even begin to explain that to people?....

I'm so tired of trying so damn hard to prove my trustworthiness to Landon. It's been a year since I fucked things up. And I think thats enough time to forgive someone. But for some reason on this god damn earth whenever Landon and I are finally doing well something fucking happens to make me look like im not trustworthy!!! Last night we're just sitting there and I get a text from a random number I don't have saved in my phone saying "Who's this I got a new phone" so I replied "Well who's this I don't even have your number" and it turns out to be my EX. Like fucking seriously the one ex Landon really doesn't like as well. So Landon already is upset that "I snooped through his phone" so this text sent him over and I don't know what to do. How to you get someone you hurt so bad to trust you??

Also he's saying I've changed too much. I'm not the girl he fell in love with. The girl he fell in love with was the girl that lied and was horrible and did those bad things. He told me I had to change if I wanted us to work. He told me to change. How do you change for the better, but not change who you are? He hates my weight. He hates my personality. He hates me. He's just here because no one will stay with him long enough like I will. He knows he'll be alone. He has until September to get a job or go to school or his parents are cutting him off. How can I ever even consider marrying him? He can't get a bank account. He can't have a credit card. He can't own a house. He can't do anything. I would never even be able to slip up or our whole life would fall apart. Our lives would be so fragile because we don't have the stability of two people. I'm scared.

Money. Money. Money. This is just a reason enough to fucking kill myself. I can't afford to eat. I can't afford to drive my car. I can't afford to move out. I can't afford to look for a new job. I can't afford to fix my teeth. I can't afford going to school. I can't afford doctor appointments. I can't afford medication. I can't afford anything. I'm completely broke. I'm always in pain. I'm always crying. I'm always hungry. I'm always thirsty. I'm always in tears from stress. Even when I try my hardest to push all the stress away it doesn't. I can't enjoy laying down. I can't enjoy sex. I can't enjoy drawing. I can't enjoy hiking. I can't enjoy movies. My mind is so consumed about the shit I have to do, and the things that need to be done. It could be days away but just knowing its going to happen makes me like this.

I'm a depressed mess. Landon has told me he's close to giving up. He can't stand me like this anymore. I don't blame him. I'm tired of being around myself too.

I walked into my boss' office and he suddenly says "wow, you've lost a ton of weight you'll be a skeleton soon. You're face is going to sink in *demonstrates with his own hands pushing in his face*" Me: "really? Thanks....." Boss: "It's time to stop..."                        Seriously?! Fuck You Dude. 

I ate a bad lunch. My boss's comment along with thinspo I've been looking at along with the nasty bloated disgusting feeling I have I'm fasting for the next couple days I don't even care how sick it made me last time it was worth it.

My eating didn't get better at all this week. Didn't do my dreads because my hair wouldn't knot properly, i've binged the past two days. My work makes me want to kill myself. I'm just done with fucking everything at this point there isn't a reason to keep going. The only thing to allow me to have a brighter future is money and I'm not making it here or anywhere in this damn world.

DREADS

Going dread crazy I hope to have mine before the end of the night. Finally my dream will come true <3

apparently there was no point in last week getting my weight under a 100 lbs just for me to be a fat fucking pig and gain it back

I know i previous posted some of these sorry