Nothing's worse than finding out your boyfriend watches porn of girls that are completely opposite of you, and complains about how your boobs shrunk, and goes and looks up Blake Lively's (who he's said he thinks is the ugliest girl ever) fucking cup size. And I have no right to get mad? Because a year ago I hit him in the face. Because a year a go I added ex's on facebook. Because a year ago I lied and hid things from him. So I can't get mad apparently. Let's just say I felt so shriveled up and alone I could have easily killed myself. But, all I did was scratch the shit out of my neck without realizing it. So I have deep scratch marks going down my throat to my chest. Awesome, how do I even begin to explain that to people?....
I'm so tired of trying so damn hard to prove my trustworthiness to Landon. It's been a year since I fucked things up. And I think thats enough time to forgive someone. But for some reason on this god damn earth whenever Landon and I are finally doing well something fucking happens to make me look like im not trustworthy!!! Last night we're just sitting there and I get a text from a random number I don't have saved in my phone saying "Who's this I got a new phone" so I replied "Well who's this I don't even have your number" and it turns out to be my EX. Like fucking seriously the one ex Landon really doesn't like as well. So Landon already is upset that "I snooped through his phone" so this text sent him over and I don't know what to do. How to you get someone you hurt so bad to trust you??
Also he's saying I've changed too much. I'm not the girl he fell in love with. The girl he fell in love with was the girl that lied and was horrible and did those bad things. He told me I had to change if I wanted us to work. He told me to change. How do you change for the better, but not change who you are? He hates my weight. He hates my personality. He hates me. He's just here because no one will stay with him long enough like I will. He knows he'll be alone. He has until September to get a job or go to school or his parents are cutting him off. How can I ever even consider marrying him? He can't get a bank account. He can't have a credit card. He can't own a house. He can't do anything. I would never even be able to slip up or our whole life would fall apart. Our lives would be so fragile because we don't have the stability of two people. I'm scared.
Money. Money. Money. This is just a reason enough to fucking kill myself. I can't afford to eat. I can't afford to drive my car. I can't afford to move out. I can't afford to look for a new job. I can't afford to fix my teeth. I can't afford going to school. I can't afford doctor appointments. I can't afford medication. I can't afford anything. I'm completely broke. I'm always in pain. I'm always crying. I'm always hungry. I'm always thirsty. I'm always in tears from stress. Even when I try my hardest to push all the stress away it doesn't. I can't enjoy laying down. I can't enjoy sex. I can't enjoy drawing. I can't enjoy hiking. I can't enjoy movies. My mind is so consumed about the shit I have to do, and the things that need to be done. It could be days away but just knowing its going to happen makes me like this.
I'm a depressed mess. Landon has told me he's close to giving up. He can't stand me like this anymore. I don't blame him. I'm tired of being around myself too.
Oh darling. I wish there was something I could do to help you.
ReplyDeleteLandon does love you. He loves you so much. You know that, and he knows it. He's so lucky to have you, I mean you said it yourself: without you to support him he would be nothing. He needs you far more than you need him.
It's not your fault that your ex texted you, Landon can't seriously be annoyed at you for that.
As for the money issues I don't think I can really help, but I really hope you work something out. Make Landon get a job, he's scabbed off you and his family for too long. He needs to grow up and support himself.
I really hope you're okay, I'm always here if you need me. Please take care.
Oh and try smothering your neck in foundation then say you had an allergic reaction to some perfume or something if someone asks?
Love you.
Oh hun.. i am so so so sorry that you are feeling like this and going through everything you are suffering right now.. it really is not fair.
ReplyDeleteLandon... you have every right to be upset at him, your past mistakes does not give him the right or excuse to act like a complete dick to you. I am so sorry he treats you this way, i wish there was something i could do to help. The past is the past, as harsh as it is for me to say that he needs to just get over it, its true. he needs to get over it. i too lied to my bf, it was horrid for a year, i went through the worst shit. then one day i thought no, i am sorry for my mistakes, him being angry at me everyday will not make it better, and put my foot down. i told him that he was ruining my life, he was letting our relationship crumble to pieces and that if he was not willing to attempt to leave the past behind us and look to the future and rebuild our relationship then what was the point. that he should fuck off. and hey we got through it, he realised we were more important than the shit that went on in the past and we are happy together now.
moral of that story is, do not let him put you down, do not let him make you suffer so long for your mistakes, you do not deserve to be treated like this, you made a mistake.. like he aint made mistakes before? please please please be ok, be safe and dont let anyone make you feel inferior. you are something, you are someone and you deserve to be treated with respect and loved.
dont settle for less babygirl <3
much love x