I miss writing on here terribly. I miss writing comments. I miss reading about your lives. I miss feeling connected to the only people who understand my pain.
The past few days have been hell. My depression is just lingering. I can feel it under my skin, it creeps around giving me chills, causing horrible aching pain all over; yet I don't even look as if I'm depressed. I can't cry, I can't cut, I can't hit, I can't do a single thing to get rid of this feeling and these thoughts. Landon is starting to understand that I really honestly don't have a reason for being this way. Our relationship has been good. We've been happy. There hasn't been fights. Yet I sit there and look as if my world has just fallen apart, as if everyone I have ever known is gone forever. I don't know why I feel this way! I don't know why I have to keep going on. I want to die so badly you have no idea. I've never gotten to the point of holding a kitchen knife in my hand with the point digging into your chest; breathing so deeply; just wishing that you could ram the damn knife straight through your heart.....until now. I dream of downing Robitussin with codeine, a bottle of diet pills, and zoloft just to see if that could do the trick.
My mind is a sick, violent, dark swirl of a child that used to be. My heart aches all the time. It literally hurts. I hate seeing people.
What goes so wrong to someones mind that they are so severely depressed even on their brightest days? What goes so wrong that it drives someone to the point of not wanting to exist any longer? And, when did did that something go wrong in my mind? Tell me how to fix it. Please I'm begging you.
I'm sick to my stomach most of the time now. I want food but I know I can't. Landon sees me struggling with it. He asks me what's wrong and I tell him I wish I could eat without thinking of everything wrong with the food. He's starting to be more understanding...I feel bad that I've driven myself to this. I can't even go into the grocery store without wandering for 1 whole hour and then finally deciding on getting a damn KIWI! I fight with her more and more to eat now. I'm constantly struggling between the torture of starving or the torture of eating. & then I finally do it I want to throw it up within the next couple minutes. And I don't want to throw it up because I feel bad (which I really fucking do I hate when I let myself eat) but I want to throw up because my body feels physically sick.
I've been fighting to eat as little as possible and it's gone decently. I eat at least one bad thing a day and it kills me but I have no choice now that Landon is around all the time.
I AM OFFICIALLY UNDER 90 LBS THOUGH!!!!!!
88.0 LBS to be exact. It gives me a BMI of 16.1. I really really want to keep it this low and hope it goes lower but fasting and restricting is so difficult when I'm always home. I need to go back to having a job so I'm not watched all the time.
Sorry for the long long post.
I miss you all so much and I really mean that.
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