possible trigger, rant, bitch, nonsense

fuck i am seriously such a horrible blogger/commenter without a computer. I am truly sorry. I feel my life collapsing all around me and it'll all hit the ground soon....and I don't know what I'll be able to do anymore.

Dreams of slicing open my thighs to see whats causing them to be so big.
Waking up having the strongest urge to take that kitchen knife and drive it into your chest as deep as possible.
Not being able to stand being around people to the point you want to suffocate them every time you hear them breath.
Feeling so guilty and sick from taking the smallest bite of ice cream because your little sister begged you to.
Wanting to beat myself black and blue so every movement I make I'm in pain, it distracts me from the monster inside screaming at me to slice open my throat.
Being able to watch movies with tons of gore, violence, killing, death, because you envy the people dying; when they used to terrify you to where you couldn't sleep for days.
Drawing the cuts you want to be carving in your arms over and over.

I ate like a beast yesterday. I didn't want to touch food. I feel so ashamed. Even Landon was looking at me like I was disgusting. I kept picking up the giant cookie I was given, and he kept just looking at me saying "really??" every time.

I wish I didn't have any connection to any person on this planet. I wish my death wouldn't affect anyone. I want to jump off that cliff at that one beautiful peaceful moment that will finally be my last. I want to jump and know that I'm finally free from this mind and body. My soul will be let go. I won't cry ever again. I wont cut. I wont scream. I wont fight. I wont do anything every again. I wont feel one ounce of emotion. I will be gone.

Sorry if my post has bothered or triggered anyone I really didn't mean for that, but I really have no one to vent to....this blog is the only place my feelings are heard or seen. I'm absolutely alone here...I don't have one person in my real life I can interact with and be understood. I've been pushing my limits with everything I do lately. I tell myself what will one more do....one more hit? one more pill? will it make me end up in the hospital? dead? or just sick?

God, if only my therapist could read this blog....then they'd really force me into something. They already hate letting me leave the place because they thing i'm going to go kill myself. But they've never heard how I have it planned...I tell them I haven't thought, or found that beautiful moment yet....I have it all pictured out in my mind. I don't care how unrealistic it is...It's what i'm clinging onto right now.

All I do is rant and bitch. I'm not doing anything with my life or myself. I'm lying to people again. I can feel karma starting to come bite me in the ass every time I lie too. I believe in karma and it always seems to hit me very soon after I have done something bad. I hate it -___-