I'm angry. I'm angry at what these pills have done to me. They give me no motivation for anything in life. Which in turns makes me do things that make me hate myself. I'm back up to 98 lbs!!! are you fucking kidding me?! It's like my mind is fighting with myself...I don't want to eat, I don't want the calories, the fat, the salt, the sugar I don't want it! but my body doesn't listen. Without even realizing it my hand is already reaching for the food and it's entering my fat foul mouth. I thought I was making progress but as I can see today that I have no. My thigh gap is almost non existent, my stomach has a giant blob sticking out, I have fat coming out of places I'd never seen before and I just want to break everything around me. I haven't ate today and I really DO NOT WANT TO. It's 3:00 PM right now and I think I'll be able to last not eating until around 11 PM tonight then I can nap at Landon's, drive home, weigh myself, go to bed....I WILL TAKE OVER THIS
I've had a lot on my mind lately though....one thing in specific that I've never even let myself comes to terms with...when I was younger I was a huge tomboy. I always played boy sports with all boy teams, I dressed in basketball shorts and tshirts, hair was combed into a ponytail every day...everyone always told me growing up I was most likely going to be lesbian, and i usually heard it mostly from my family. I never liked the idea of them being right, and judging me for it so it's always been far away in my mind. I've never found myself attracted to other girls bodies, I like how they look but they don't get me goin ya know?....but I've always found that when I do finally have "friends" that are girls I get a bit too attached...I get how I get when I have a boyfriend...wondering if they'll text me...or what they're doing and when I'm about to see them I do get a nervous feeling....I get jealous when they become better friends with another girl...and it's like with girls my entire life I've always felt awkward, nervous, and intimidated whenever I'm around any, especially girls I do not know. Guys on the other hand i'm perfectly comfortable with. I can flirt, have fun, have conversation, I don't get any anxiety unless they're like fucking GORGEOUS...but not that often to I find myself nervous meeting a guy for the first time...I've never even gotten close to finding out if I would ever have feelings towards a girl except once last year when Landon and I were at a party I got extremely drunk (reason why I do not drink anymore) and was ALL OVER this girl who was texting her boyfriend and kept trying to take her phone, we were flirting, and I almost kissed her but I don't know what happened...I don't even remember walking outside to the car...Landon always tells me I would be the one girlfriend who leaves him for another girl...I don't know what or how to feel....because honestly its been on my mind like crazy....or maybe i'm just like this towards girls because i've always had a lack of female friends?...I feel very confused, like really fucking annoyingly confused. Sex hasn't even been good lately because of this issue. I just want to wrap myself up in a bubble forever.
I am the same, I like the way they look, but I'm not attracted to them. I don't feel the way guys feel when they look at girls, not that I've ever been a guy but you know what I mean. It may be that guys are just pigs though, or maybe it's just that we have female bodies ourselves so react differently to them? I mean considering the way we are socialised differently I suppose it's expected that we feel differently towards them or have a different respect for women than what men do. But really, male or female, we are all human, we all have human bodies, so perhaps the person that someone is, is more important than gender?
ReplyDeleteI get nervous around everyone though, it doesn't matter if they are guys or girls ._.
But I do find that there are more attractive girls around than attractive guys, does that say anything?
Anyways, that was a crazy and confused comment...I hope things get better hun, please take care <3
Alice xx
thank you so much for your input. I don't know what it is. There are times I wish I was hanging out with lesbian girl who walks by instead of Landon and other times Landon is the only person I want. I've always had the question in my mind "well maybe they were right maybe I am gay?" but it's just another fucking problem to worry about.
DeleteIt could be that you're interested in both? Or maybe you are gay but you feel that Landon as a person has something to offer you? Also, when you were young you probably thought you would end with a boyfriend rather than a girlfriend because that's generally expected, and maybe that has an influence? I hope you work it out love, try not to see it as a problem, it will be ok :)
Deletexx
I feel the same. Kind of like what Alice said. I don't get sexually attracted to girls, but I get really attached to them. I think because so many guys are just complete twats, and it's refreshing to have a close relationship with someone who actually understands and is close and you can't quite work out the feelings. If that makes sense?
ReplyDeleteI find the qualities that I wish I had, in other girls and that doesn't help.
I wish your medication could be changed. It's your therapist appointment tomorrow isn't it? Please talk to him.
Take care.