Feeling Okay?

A quick update and it's positive for once!

Yesterday and today i've actually had good days.
No mood swings, only slight sadness, my day didn't drag on.
I guess my meds are working already but I have to take a whole pill of the trazodone or else I stay depressed and feeling horrible.
Landon and I got along perfectly yesterday. No arguments. No fights. No attitudes. Just pure love.
I don't know what to think or do.
The only down side i've had today is that I've had chronic hiccups ALL day non stop. Literally from 9 am and they're still going. I've looked it up and 8 people have reported chronic hiccups while taking Lexapro.
Eating has been SHIT!
Binged again last night. My body literally feels disgusting.
But I get paid tomorrow and its a HUGEEE fucking paycheck so i'm going to spoil myself a bit, as well as buy a whole lot of good foods so I can feel tiny again.
I'm throwing out all the fucking crap I eat at Landons so I have absolutely no excuse to eat.

I hope you all are doing well <3
Stay motivated and strong-willed girls!!

Very Long Ramble

Today is worse. I'm a mixture of angry and very sad :( I've been having flashbacks since last night of all the bad fights Landon and I have had since we've been together. They come suddenly and I can't seem to pull myself out of them. I just completely zone out, not blinking, just seeing every single moment, words, movements that happened. I hate it. I hate my relationship. I even hate him in some ways. I get annoyed that I can never watch movies without him talking. Even if I've seen the movie a million times all he does is sit there and tell me to pay attention and I have to watch this certain part. So when I finally can't take him constantly telling me to look at the screen and actually start watching the movie he starts fucking talking about some other shit or wanting to show me some stupid youtube video on his phone so I can't even hear and look at the fucking movie! Best of all though when I'm finally able to concentrate enough to read a book and he's watching a movie that I really don't want to be watching cause all it's about is naked girls and guys being idiots (makes me feel so fucking awesome seeing they're perfect plastic bodies -_____-) he literally tells me to look at the screen every 2 seconds because "something funny happened" so if I miss the scene he fucking rewinds it and then gets pissy when I don't laugh. He can clearly see I'm annoyed, pissed off, and all I want is to read my damn book and for him to shut the fuck up.

I keep having this dream, it's not every night and it doesn't last long but it makes me wish and want more than ever. I'm curled up in a ball, long black hair cut straight and even. I'm wearing a white tank top and white underwear. I'm laying curled up on a king sized bed, with big white fluffy sheets crying every single emotion out. And then he walks in (at this point i'm now watching us from above)...he has a black shirt on and jeans...he sees me on the bed and I expect him to walk out, or even get mad....but he doesn't, he puts down his leather jacket on a chair in the corner and comes over to me and just curls his body right around mine. It was like we were conjoined, united. We didn't talk. We didn't face eachother. He just held me and let me know that he's there and no one will ever hurt me. I felt safe.peaceful.present. A feeling I haven't felt in a long long time.

These dreams only fuel my anger towards Landon. His double standards, his lying, his anger, his attitude, his life, him not doing anything, his age, his maturity, his stubbornness, his ability to make me feel like the least important spec of dirt in this world. We don't have the love we used to. It's been forced for a very long time now. We have sex and I can't even look at his face or tattoos without being completely repulsed by the fact he's the one who is fucking me. Not that he's unattractive, or it doesn't feel good, I just can't stand him anymore. All I think about is who he's thinking about while he's fucking me, cause he surely isn't the one i'm thinking about during it.  I mean there are so many times throughout the day where I miss him so god damn much, all I want is to have himi hug and kiss me and when I finally get to see him I just end up disappointed. He gets annoyed that I want to be kissed "so much" (he probably only kisses me once or twice a day) . The only time he voluntarily kisses me is when he wants sex, that's pretty much the only time he shows me any affection and he always tells me (sorry if this is TMI) that my pussy is the reason why he could never leave me.......real nice right? I think I'm still with him because I'm clinging to those months when we were HAPPY and those moments where he makes my heart do a flip. Like last night he calls me just to tell me he's on his way home and usually he never says I love you at the end of the convo so all I said was "Bye Babe" and all of a sudden in a sad, give me attention tone he says "I love you" and it totally shocked me. I'm praying every day that those days will come again but they never go away so we can once again enjoy each others presence without getting into a fight, making snide comments, or without the attitude in the tone of our voices. I've been fighting for us, for a cause that's literally been killing me. I just really want to die today. All day at work I sit and watch the big trucks pass by wishing to jump in front of one.

The way I will commit suicide is by going to the cliffs out here, wait for sunset to come and then I can finally feel that relief that I finally did it, I finally made that jump to paradise....I've always been so curious of how people feel when they finally take that leap out, do they think "oh shit, this is scarier than I thought" or "finally i'll be free" I guess it depends on the suicidal level...

As for eating.
Yesterday I didn't eat or drink much until like 11 pm when Landon bought doughnuts and cracker and I ate 3 doughnuts and 3 handful of crackers -____- but i've been eating badly and not gaining so hopefully this hasnt affected me.
As for today my new meds are really making me lose my appetite which is better than gaining one. But it literally makes all food sound so unappetizing and drinking anything upsets my stomach beyond belief. So intake for today is half a banana and 1/2 cup of coffee and 1/2 cup of water....And hopefully nothing else for the night.

I heard my meds have an interesting combination with weed so i'm gonna see what happens tonight! Taking chances is how people die so maybe luck will be on my side tonight.

Also, I know I'm not great at commenting on your guys blogs (I always write down what I would want to say for a comment but I always feel like I sound dumb, so I erase it) and I'm not great at commenting back to your comments on my posts but I want to say that I LOVE YOU GIRLS! Especially The Lovely Bones and Rayya I think everyone in this community will agree you two give the most caring advice, and loving support to every single person. You touch people's hearts and you help them when no one else can. You two are truly amazing, and are prime examples of how everyone should be treating each other in this world. Thank you so much.

* links to their pages 

Medication at Last

you can't really see my body but my legs need to be worked on massively

I wish so badly you could have affairs with your psychologist. I just met mine saturday and OMG he is absolutely gorgeous, but somehow easy to talk to. At first he had given me a prescription for Remeron, which is a mild anti-depressant that encourages weight gain! I started reading up and people gained like 30 lbs from this!! Luckily he called me at like 8 pm last to discuss other options he had in mind. He told me he was discussing my case with some of his colleagues and they all decided that a combination of Lexapro and Trazodone would be the best for me. And for the next 30 minutes he just sat on the phone with me talking about how my day was and how I was feeling. It was nice, just seemed odd he'd call me so late at night. I took the first dose of both of them last night but since I had work early in the morning I only half of the trazodone. I took the Lexapro about 20 minutes before the Trazodone and my heart was pounding from it I got nervous and jittery, then I took the Trazodone and since that one is supposed to knock me out the two meds started having like a battle. I couldnt even sit up without feeling this weird feeling. It wasn't bad it was more of a good dizzy? I don't know how to explain it but it made me feel nice for a short amount of time until my stomach started cramping and hurting. Waking up this morning was kind of hard because of the pills and I've been having bursts of anger throughout the day. My arms feel very tense like I need to hit something. The psychologist said that I have problems surrounding me from all over. That I have stress coming in from every single angle of my life. He says my daydreams are passive aggressive suicidal thoughts that need to be taken seriously. I already knew that.....

Other than that I went hiking on Friday but it soon turned to shit when Landon started another useless fight that he has no business even saying shit about. I don't even like being around him anymore. Last week we "broke up" again and honestly I wasn't even upset I was looking forward to being alone, quitting my job, not eating, becoming skinny, going to school, you know shit that FOCUSES ON ME FOR ONCE!

Anyways just forget about this stupid ramble nonsense bullshit. Fuck. At least I have the sources to completely OD when I feel like I really can't fucking take anything anymore.

& I've been really wanting to start a new blog just about random shit and people that I like, but honestly I barely have the time to update this blog? how can I even begin to think about starting a new one as well? ugh fuck me and the little time I have for shit other than a controlling, psychotic, freak of a boyfriend that literally NEVER STOPS FUCKING TALKING!.

fuck, i'm alive still

She asks " How do you get skinny so fast?"
My response "I don't know"

What I really wanted to scream in her face is

"You don't fucking eat! You push to starve yourself more and more each day without realizing what you're becoming. You start not being able to have a meal go by without feeling like killing yourself because of the amount of calories. You stop eating more than 100 calories a day, and then soon none at all.You get so physically and emotionally sick you lose the people you cared for before all you cared about was the food that always seemed to surround you. You become even more depressed and angry with everything around you. Any stress or pressure feels like you have the whole world on your chest and anything will tip you over. You become something you can't even fucking recognize anymore. You can't talk to anyone because you feel so judged, ashamed, and crazy by everyone, even when they're not even giving a shit that you're alive. Your family and friends start to distant themselves because they are so afraid of you. They don't know when you'll snap and go off insanely. And, neither do you. You become afraid of yourself because you cant control anything anymore. You become angry, violent, and crying hysterically suddenly, and without reason. You constantly feel on the verge of wanting to scream and scream and scream until your voice is gone forever. You feel trapped inside this monster of a body, and a demon of a brain. You want out but no matter how fucking hard you try you CAN'T. You are so stuck in this unforgiving world. You can't be alone with yourself for too long before you start thinking things are hiding in your room, or before you start hearing things in your room. You get so scared as if you were still a child you hide under blankets just so you can pretend that whatever you saw in the corner won't see you hiding under there. You can't look out your window at night without seeing a man hunched over on the brick wall, you can't be in the dark, you can't be in the quite, even when that's all you want to do. You waste of a lot of your time distracted, unmotivated, not finishing anything you started because you now have the attention span of a severe ADD child.  You lost all the love for the things you used to be good at. You can't read anymore because the words don't make sense to you, so you can't understand what the story is about. You can't draw, eat, hike, breath, sleep, work, go to  school, you can't do fucking anything.  You spend most of your days rethinking of the suicide notes you've written in your head to each and every person in your life, and the daydreams of you dying in tragic freak accidents. Then only time someone sees you actually smiling is in your sleep. And then it makes you sad to know you can't even remember what the dream was about so you can't cling onto that small piece of happiness that is somewhere located in your brain. You're a monster now that's buried in a deep pit not knowing how far down it keeps going until you finally realize this is the end, and you cannot go on any longer like this"

I hate that i'm still alive.

my relationship has fallen to a whole new low point that I can't even get myself to discuss what happened.

my pregnant cousin found out her baby has a SEVERE chromosome condition to where she has to terminate the pregnancy because the baby has NO chance of survival. She has a cyst on the back of her neck, an enlarged kidney, and her intestines are all out of her body. My cousin still feels her baby girl moving around in her belly. I would be bursting in tears every time that sweet miracle moved around. I have no idea how my cousin is doing this. I would be a complete and udder mess.

and of course my psychologist appointment didn't happen on the 22nd as usual! i'm just going to stay this fucked up mess forever.

Turns out the Yellow Brick Road is just a dead end.

I've literally lost everything.....


Y O U H A V E N O I D E A.


this is finally fucking it.

Landon
Parents
Sister
Doctors
Insurance
Work
School
Money
Stress
Depression
Anxiety
Crying
Fighting
Cutting
Screaming
Pain


I'm done with it all and I will be successful.

Idiot Award

I've been able to eat. And I mean EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT EVEN WHEN I'M NOT HUNGRY.

My parents left for their vacation with my sister last week and I was already having anxiety because they're flying on two planes, and they're going very far (I've never been more than half way thru California without them) and it's for a long time. It's not too much the fact that they'll be gone. I just feel alone...like they'll leave me here......and then to make it all worse after dropping them off at the airport I GOT COMPLETELY LOST!!! I missed one exit, then I missed the Fwy exit so I turned onto a street I knew would take me straight down to Landon's house, but take forever and it would be going through the ghetto at night, but then that street was CLOSED half way down so I turn onto the only street I can and found the fwy but stupid me didn't see I was on the NORTH instead of SOUTH...and I have horrible direction perception so when I'm going in the wrong direction it looks completely normal to me and makes me feel as if I'm going the right way. Well I realized when I was pretty much all the way out of LA County....so right then I go into a full blown panic attack hop off the fwy, and I have absolutely no idea where I'm at. So I call my mom in the airport completely balling my eyes out, freaking out telling her how i'm scared, and they're going so far, and they're going to leave me....I really broke down...I do miss them a lot....luckily I found my way back home not too far after that. 

since then i've been binging on anything possible

I hate it and I havent even weighed myself

Measurement Update

I decided to take my measurements today because ALL of my clothes are giant bags on me.

I hate measurements they make me feel like I haven't lost anything at all :(

last time i measured was April 19, 2012

bust - 33 inches
waist - 26.5 inches
hips - 32 inches
right upper thigh - 19 inches
left upper thigh - 19 inches
right mid thigh - 16.5 inches
left mid thigh - 16 inches
under bust - 29.5 inches
right upper arm - 10 inches
left upper arm - 10 inches


today's measurements were

Bust - 32 inches
Waist - 24.75 inches
Hips - 31 inches
Right upper thigh - 17.25 inches
Left upper thigh - 17 inches
Right mid thigh - 15.5 inches
Left mid thigh - 15.5 inches
Under bust - 29 inches
Right upper arm - 9 inches
Left upper arm - 9 inches

I mean there's obvious change but those numbers just don't seem good enough for 4 months :(

Oh and my stomach problems may be a gluten intolerance that can be caused from psychological trauma.

My weight this morning was 98 lbs which gives me a BMI of 18
I hate that seeing the number 18 makes me feel like its a lot so it makes me want to get that number lower

bleh

my stomach's growling as I type this. I'm not even going to attempt to try to eat. Every damn time i get hungry I get something small to eat and the second that food touches my tongue I have to spit it out. I don't want to swallow. It then is followed by my stomach burning and my hunger is completely gone.....

I'm so in between gaining, and losing weight. I don't know what I want....

I wonder if not being able to eat is the result of my habits I've made. It just became a natural thing for my body.....

13 days....come sooner I just want something to ease this.

I've gained 3 - 4 lbs because I've been forced to eat all weekend even though my stomach has been burning non stop. No one cares that it hurts me that they're forcing this upon me. I just want to shrivel away forever. No one cares anymore. Everyone doesn't even know how to talk to me. They just look at me like they're waiting for me to do something drastic.......maybe it's time to give them what they're waiting for.

I guess this is a good thing and I'm sure a lot of other girls here would love to have my "problem", but I literally can't eat anymore. I can barely drink. I've pushed my body so far that I'm just losing weight as each day goes by. I wake up every morning shaky and like I can't breath. I can't get into the doctors for another 3 weeks. Psychologist is in 12 days. I'm kind of scared. I want to be at least trying to eat foods that will benefit me but i'm so broke I can't even afford that so i'm stuck eating a small amount of fries for the entire day because that is all my body will allow me to eat. I know this is my own fault. I'm the one who wanted to start dieting and now I can't go back. I can't stand the thought of gaining weight either so I really am so stuck in between what I want :(  If i don't gain weight I become sicker, lose my friends, family becomes more suspicious, boss keeps making skeleton comments....If I gain weight I become fat, I get stretch marks again, I feel gross and bloated all the time, my bones don't show, I feel self conscious.... Going to try to get half a bagel with a little cheese on it, and a glass of orange juice in me....I most likelly won't be able to eat the rest of the day. I feel fucking stupid and pathetic being upset that I can't eat. This is what I fucking wanted why am I being so fucking retarded now. God I hate myself. I'm useless. Pathetic. 

I also realized I have no idea how to talk to new people, especially hot fucking guys. Yesterday I took my cousin to get her hair dyed and we saw this guy walking a gorgeous pit bull. So as I'm standing outside on the phone I see him walking back, and then his dog immediately starts pulling as hard as he can to come over to me. The guy was saying how the dog never even likes people so it's really weird that he wanted to come over to me. The pit was 2 years old blue/red nose mix, I was in love with the dog. Now the guy (who's name is Jacob) was GORGEOUS! He was completely cut, muscles everywhere, amazing V muscle (he had his shirt off(; ) I was going to die when he came up to me. I became so nervous I constantly played with my hair and then I became so self conscious because I was wearing shorts that showed my white stretch marks and I  need a massive tan, and the shorts were huge on me so I'm sure they weren't looking too good on me. But we talked for a few minutes and I was waiting to see if he was going to ask for my number but he never did so I just told him It was nice meeting him and I took off to go see Landon. 

Landon is a whole nother story I can't even begin to get into.   

It's worth a try

August Challenge that everyone's in on , I guess I will be too.

I have mixed feelings about getting down to 90 lbs now. Everyone is always trying to weigh me and asking how much I weigh and I can't tell anyone. They will leave me, be mad, take me into the hospital. I'm already avoiding the doctors because I really do not want to be weighed and have to convince them that I am eating.

Height : 5'2
Weight: 98.8 (probably less now)
BMI: 18.1




and update on my life....still fucking hell.....seems like it'll never end....seems as if everyone is going to hurt me so i've stopped seeing people completely.....at times I feel like I can hear my thoughts out loud.....I really feel like I'm going insane........I'm losing it all

sorry just need to write this to fucking anyone because I can't write it anywhere where fucking Landon wont see!


IT'S FUCKING RIDICULOUS HOW MUCH FUCKING SHIT I IGNORE THAT MAKES ME MAD, UPSET, AND SAD JUST SO OUR RELATIONSHIP CAN FUCKING BE OKAY AND WE DON'T FUCKING FIGHT!!! BUT THE SECOND I DO SOMETHING THAT HE DOES ALL FUCKING HELL BREAKS LOSE AND I'M THE BAD GUY. 

the other night i put up a picture on instagram where i was wearing a tubetop and he goes ballistic saying he lovees how i put up pictures where i look naked! one the picture didn't even go anywhere past my tattoo so you couldnt even see the top of my shirt you couldnt see any boob NOTHING! and what does he fucking do. he puts a picture up today of his entire stomach up of all his fucking tattoos and shit and has a fucking hashtag of #tease. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! oh he went to go look for my page on instagram and on his search page was his fucking ex the one that broke up with him 2 weeks before we got together and he's like her damn page keeps popping up for some reason all day and its like you have to search for the damn person yourself for it to save on your search list! he's a fucking liar and he calls me a liar?!!? but of course i just ignored it and just shut the fuck up so we could have a nice fucking night. I'll just fucking kill myself to get back at that fucker. He was the only reason for me being alive. FUCK HIM FUCK IT!

my appetite's been shot lately.
last time I really checked i was 98lbs one morning
I'm not even trying to not eat.
I cant.
Just the thought of trying to make myself eat while my stomach burns like this makes me sick.
I want to die.
please.
I'm scared because i've been avoiding dr. appointments at all costs but now from how sick i've been it's going to become unavoidable and I don't know what they'll say about my weight....
19 days till I see a psychologist.
I just want her to give me drugs to make me a zombie.
Just make me not feel this anymore.