Today is worse. I'm a mixture of angry and very sad :( I've been having flashbacks since last night of all the bad fights Landon and I have had since we've been together. They come suddenly and I can't seem to pull myself out of them. I just completely zone out, not blinking, just seeing every single moment, words, movements that happened. I hate it. I hate my relationship. I even hate him in some ways. I get annoyed that I can never watch movies without him talking. Even if I've seen the movie a million times all he does is sit there and tell me to pay attention and I have to watch this certain part. So when I finally can't take him constantly telling me to look at the screen and actually start watching the movie he starts fucking talking about some other shit or wanting to show me some stupid youtube video on his phone so I can't even hear and look at the fucking movie! Best of all though when I'm finally able to concentrate enough to read a book and he's watching a movie that I really don't want to be watching cause all it's about is naked girls and guys being idiots (makes me feel so fucking awesome seeing they're perfect plastic bodies -_____-) he literally tells me to look at the screen every 2 seconds because "something funny happened" so if I miss the scene he fucking rewinds it and then gets pissy when I don't laugh. He can clearly see I'm annoyed, pissed off, and all I want is to read my damn book and for him to shut the fuck up.
I keep having this dream, it's not every night and it doesn't last long but it makes me wish and want more than ever. I'm curled up in a ball, long black hair cut straight and even. I'm wearing a white tank top and white underwear. I'm laying curled up on a king sized bed, with big white fluffy sheets crying every single emotion out. And then he walks in (at this point i'm now watching us from above)...he has a black shirt on and jeans...he sees me on the bed and I expect him to walk out, or even get mad....but he doesn't, he puts down his leather jacket on a chair in the corner and comes over to me and just curls his body right around mine. It was like we were conjoined, united. We didn't talk. We didn't face eachother. He just held me and let me know that he's there and no one will ever hurt me. I felt safe.peaceful.present. A feeling I haven't felt in a long long time.
These dreams only fuel my anger towards Landon. His double standards, his lying, his anger, his attitude, his life, him not doing anything, his age, his maturity, his stubbornness, his ability to make me feel like the least important spec of dirt in this world. We don't have the love we used to. It's been forced for a very long time now. We have sex and I can't even look at his face or tattoos without being completely repulsed by the fact he's the one who is fucking me. Not that he's unattractive, or it doesn't feel good, I just can't stand him anymore. All I think about is who he's thinking about while he's fucking me, cause he surely isn't the one i'm thinking about during it. I mean there are so many times throughout the day where I miss him so god damn much, all I want is to have himi hug and kiss me and when I finally get to see him I just end up disappointed. He gets annoyed that I want to be kissed "so much" (he probably only kisses me once or twice a day) . The only time he voluntarily kisses me is when he wants sex, that's pretty much the only time he shows me any affection and he always tells me (sorry if this is TMI) that my pussy is the reason why he could never leave me.......real nice right? I think I'm still with him because I'm clinging to those months when we were HAPPY and those moments where he makes my heart do a flip. Like last night he calls me just to tell me he's on his way home and usually he never says I love you at the end of the convo so all I said was "Bye Babe" and all of a sudden in a sad, give me attention tone he says "I love you" and it totally shocked me. I'm praying every day that those days will come again but they never go away so we can once again enjoy each others presence without getting into a fight, making snide comments, or without the attitude in the tone of our voices. I've been fighting for us, for a cause that's literally been killing me. I just really want to die today. All day at work I sit and watch the big trucks pass by wishing to jump in front of one.
The way I will commit suicide is by going to the cliffs out here, wait for sunset to come and then I can finally feel that relief that I finally did it, I finally made that jump to paradise....I've always been so curious of how people feel when they finally take that leap out, do they think "oh shit, this is scarier than I thought" or "finally i'll be free" I guess it depends on the suicidal level...
As for eating.
Yesterday I didn't eat or drink much until like 11 pm when Landon bought doughnuts and cracker and I ate 3 doughnuts and 3 handful of crackers -____- but i've been eating badly and not gaining so hopefully this hasnt affected me.
As for today my new meds are really making me lose my appetite which is better than gaining one. But it literally makes all food sound so unappetizing and drinking anything upsets my stomach beyond belief. So intake for today is half a banana and 1/2 cup of coffee and 1/2 cup of water....And hopefully nothing else for the night.
I heard my meds have an interesting combination with weed so i'm gonna see what happens tonight! Taking chances is how people die so maybe luck will be on my side tonight.
Also, I know I'm not great at commenting on your guys blogs (I always write down what I would want to say for a comment but I always feel like I sound dumb, so I erase it) and I'm not great at commenting back to your comments on my posts but I want to say that I LOVE YOU GIRLS! Especially The Lovely Bones and Rayya I think everyone in this community will agree you two give the most caring advice, and loving support to every single person. You touch people's hearts and you help them when no one else can. You two are truly amazing, and are prime examples of how everyone should be treating each other in this world. Thank you so much.
* links to their pages
oh darling, once again i cant tell you how much it hurts to watch you go through this with him.. but I've been there, I've been you. Just hanging on, fighting, hoping that maybe i would get a taste of what had been good before, hanging on and savouring the meagre shreds of attention that he occasionally threw my way. When he wanted something. All the while knowing that i was nothing special to him like he had me believing I was.. But the truth was I didnt even believe it. I knew what he was like, that he wasnt good enough, but see he had me believing that I wasnt good enough for anyone better, so I clung on to that relationship, trying to make it work when he wasnt trying at all.. And then he left me, and my world didnt break like I thought it would, after the hurt had leveled out I realised that he was the worst thing that ever happened to me and that I had wasted all my time on him when I could have been free to live how I wanted not being his little wife, pandering for his attention, attention that he hardly gave. Knowing that he drove me up the wall that he made me sick, that his voice grated on my nerves and that his touch made my skin crawl seething with contempt.
ReplyDeleteSorry for the ramble.. what I am trying to say is honey, I wasted so much time with that guy.. it pains me to see you doing the same.. I know how you can be made to feel so low that life doesnt appeal to you, but huni I promise you that things always get better, there is always hope, no matter how hard it gets or how bad it is.. And you can be free, if you let him go, walk away from him and then you will have the chance to find a better life without him.. I know its easier said than done, and I know its rich coming from me seeing as I never left him he left me.. but I am glad he left me, cos at least I was free of him. Sorry for such a long comment darling, hate to see you hurting like this.. <3 Stay strong and know that I am here for you and that I am thinking of you if ever you need someone you know where I am hun..
And the Lovely Bones is an absolutely angel and I couldnt agree with you more than she does indeed give the loveliest advice and she honestly fills me with so much hope and so much gratitude that I have come across her in this community, You are such a sweet person, dont ever let anyone tell you otherwise or make you feel any less.
Much love huni <3 Take care of your gorgeous self.. x
Darling. If he doesn't make you happy any more then maybe it's time to move on and leave him behind? You're amazing and so beautiful, you could find someone a million times better, maybe Oliver?, and think how much happier you would be without all your arguments with Landon getting you down.
ReplyDeleteI know how it feels to want someone to go back to the way the use to be, and to cling on and not want to let go because you're hoping that one day they will go back to how they were, but you deserve so much better than that.
Please don't end it. You have so much more to live for. I promise you that you will get to travel the world and see and do everything you've ever wanted some day. You are so so so amazing and special, I'd be completely lost without you.
Last time you attempted, when your mum deleted your blog and you were in hospital, I cried myself to sleep for days because I thought I'd lost you, please stay strong for you. You honestly mean the world to me.
I agree with your comment about Rayya, she's such a wonderfully kind person. You and Rayya have both helped me through so much. I would have given up fighting ages ago if it weren't for the support you guys give me.
Love you, please stay strong, you deserve so much more from life.