Medication at Last

you can't really see my body but my legs need to be worked on massively

I wish so badly you could have affairs with your psychologist. I just met mine saturday and OMG he is absolutely gorgeous, but somehow easy to talk to. At first he had given me a prescription for Remeron, which is a mild anti-depressant that encourages weight gain! I started reading up and people gained like 30 lbs from this!! Luckily he called me at like 8 pm last to discuss other options he had in mind. He told me he was discussing my case with some of his colleagues and they all decided that a combination of Lexapro and Trazodone would be the best for me. And for the next 30 minutes he just sat on the phone with me talking about how my day was and how I was feeling. It was nice, just seemed odd he'd call me so late at night. I took the first dose of both of them last night but since I had work early in the morning I only half of the trazodone. I took the Lexapro about 20 minutes before the Trazodone and my heart was pounding from it I got nervous and jittery, then I took the Trazodone and since that one is supposed to knock me out the two meds started having like a battle. I couldnt even sit up without feeling this weird feeling. It wasn't bad it was more of a good dizzy? I don't know how to explain it but it made me feel nice for a short amount of time until my stomach started cramping and hurting. Waking up this morning was kind of hard because of the pills and I've been having bursts of anger throughout the day. My arms feel very tense like I need to hit something. The psychologist said that I have problems surrounding me from all over. That I have stress coming in from every single angle of my life. He says my daydreams are passive aggressive suicidal thoughts that need to be taken seriously. I already knew that.....

Other than that I went hiking on Friday but it soon turned to shit when Landon started another useless fight that he has no business even saying shit about. I don't even like being around him anymore. Last week we "broke up" again and honestly I wasn't even upset I was looking forward to being alone, quitting my job, not eating, becoming skinny, going to school, you know shit that FOCUSES ON ME FOR ONCE!

Anyways just forget about this stupid ramble nonsense bullshit. Fuck. At least I have the sources to completely OD when I feel like I really can't fucking take anything anymore.

& I've been really wanting to start a new blog just about random shit and people that I like, but honestly I barely have the time to update this blog? how can I even begin to think about starting a new one as well? ugh fuck me and the little time I have for shit other than a controlling, psychotic, freak of a boyfriend that literally NEVER STOPS FUCKING TALKING!.