fuck, i'm alive still

She asks " How do you get skinny so fast?"
My response "I don't know"

What I really wanted to scream in her face is

"You don't fucking eat! You push to starve yourself more and more each day without realizing what you're becoming. You start not being able to have a meal go by without feeling like killing yourself because of the amount of calories. You stop eating more than 100 calories a day, and then soon none at all.You get so physically and emotionally sick you lose the people you cared for before all you cared about was the food that always seemed to surround you. You become even more depressed and angry with everything around you. Any stress or pressure feels like you have the whole world on your chest and anything will tip you over. You become something you can't even fucking recognize anymore. You can't talk to anyone because you feel so judged, ashamed, and crazy by everyone, even when they're not even giving a shit that you're alive. Your family and friends start to distant themselves because they are so afraid of you. They don't know when you'll snap and go off insanely. And, neither do you. You become afraid of yourself because you cant control anything anymore. You become angry, violent, and crying hysterically suddenly, and without reason. You constantly feel on the verge of wanting to scream and scream and scream until your voice is gone forever. You feel trapped inside this monster of a body, and a demon of a brain. You want out but no matter how fucking hard you try you CAN'T. You are so stuck in this unforgiving world. You can't be alone with yourself for too long before you start thinking things are hiding in your room, or before you start hearing things in your room. You get so scared as if you were still a child you hide under blankets just so you can pretend that whatever you saw in the corner won't see you hiding under there. You can't look out your window at night without seeing a man hunched over on the brick wall, you can't be in the dark, you can't be in the quite, even when that's all you want to do. You waste of a lot of your time distracted, unmotivated, not finishing anything you started because you now have the attention span of a severe ADD child.  You lost all the love for the things you used to be good at. You can't read anymore because the words don't make sense to you, so you can't understand what the story is about. You can't draw, eat, hike, breath, sleep, work, go to  school, you can't do fucking anything.  You spend most of your days rethinking of the suicide notes you've written in your head to each and every person in your life, and the daydreams of you dying in tragic freak accidents. Then only time someone sees you actually smiling is in your sleep. And then it makes you sad to know you can't even remember what the dream was about so you can't cling onto that small piece of happiness that is somewhere located in your brain. You're a monster now that's buried in a deep pit not knowing how far down it keeps going until you finally realize this is the end, and you cannot go on any longer like this"

I hate that i'm still alive.

my relationship has fallen to a whole new low point that I can't even get myself to discuss what happened.

my pregnant cousin found out her baby has a SEVERE chromosome condition to where she has to terminate the pregnancy because the baby has NO chance of survival. She has a cyst on the back of her neck, an enlarged kidney, and her intestines are all out of her body. My cousin still feels her baby girl moving around in her belly. I would be bursting in tears every time that sweet miracle moved around. I have no idea how my cousin is doing this. I would be a complete and udder mess.

and of course my psychologist appointment didn't happen on the 22nd as usual! i'm just going to stay this fucked up mess forever.