I Have Found the Courage

I am (well was) dating the most selfish fucking person in this god damn universe. Last night I weigh myself 112 I was really happy and what does Landon do?! He tells me that I'm going to be disgusting if I get to 105. He doesn't fucking care if thats what its going to take to make me happy, or make me feel better about myself. He's always belittled me. He's always pointed out my flaws. He's always made fun of me. He's always makes me cry. He's always mean. 


This is our conversation last night :

L : Your not going to lose me but your pushing me away cause I know your gong to 
freak out if your get to your weight and start gaining weight again 
 
C : I just waant to feel good about myself. I didn't feel good ever aabout 
myself at that weight. I was never a self concious person till I gained weight 
and sincce I've lost weight I do feel better about myself. 

L : It's like dating a totally different person then 

C : No its not I'm feeling better aabout myself and I'm not dying thin or even super 
thin I'm different because I'd be skinnier?

L : Yeah and after a certain weight it's not attractive anymore 

C : Yeah and I told you I want to stay in between 105-110. You haven't even seen how 
I look that weight it won't be much different than I am now. 

L : If its no different then you look now what's the point in dropping even more 
weight. 

C : Because I can notice it. I feel the difference.

L : But your not going to care your going to keep changing your body which is going 
to piss me off cause its just going drew more attention towards you. And by how 
you tell me you love me every second really makes me wonder now. 

C : Its not like I'm going to be dressing differently. I'm not going to be 
showing off. I can't believe you just said that Landon :'( you know I fucking 
love you to death and I've been having a bad time lately and I'm sorry I've been 
clingy and I need you and I'm sorry I don't give you enough space and I tell you 
I love you too much. I'm sorry

L : If you need me why don't you ever say anything! I've been there threw everything 
so don't ever say i havent. Having a bad time lately you won't ever say 
anything, and when you do I try to help you don't ever want to hear what I have 
to say. And as the weight I was there when you started losing the weight when 
you said you wanted to lose 20lbs and now you want to push it more. Your new bra 
I bought you that doesn't fit anymore to big you said yesterday, and if you 
weren't happy without yourself when I'd ask if you were okay and you said yes 
that was a lie then If your not happy with yourself then you weren't happy with 
me 

C : Because I don't know how to ask for help obviously! I don't know how to 
reach out to someone when I need them I've never had that I don't know how its 
hard for me. I think thru exactly what I'd say and the minute I try speaking I 
start choking and I can't. Okay fine ill stop losing weight. I just want 
you to be happy and for us to be happy. 

Well as you can see from what i wrote above that we aren't happy and no longer together so fuck it this is it.

I'm going to go home, eat an edible, eat and eat and watch FRIENDS since that tv show makes me laugh harder than anything and just feel myself die from what I will have taken. 

To the few who have made me feel so better since i've started this blog, you have been amazing and I may not know any of you in person but I love you guys for all the strength and motivation you have given me. Stay strong for me please. 

Fences

past two days i've had water, and less than a handful of lettuce with a drop of dressing.....i think i'm going to throw up soon it's been wanting out all day. I just don't think there's anything in me to throw up "/ getting my hair done tonight ehhhh

Yesterdays Nightmare, and Today's News

3/27
I'm getting worse than I ever imagined I would get. Landon especially knows that I've been off all weekend. He's been asking what's wrong and I just tell him I'm fine because I don't know how else to respond. I wish I could talk about what's going on inside of me, my head but it's like I think about the conversation I have exactly what I want to say in my mind but then I open my mouth and it just doesn't want to come out. I mumble, stutter, forget, and then start crying....I get so uncomfortable and just ughhh when I'm forced to talk about my feelings. I don't want him thinking I'm crazier than he already knows. What I want to tell him is that I can't handle anything anymore. It's all so overwhelming and I have so much pressure on my chest that wont come off. I can't ever breath anymore. I'm always stressed out in some way. It's either school, work, money, my car, my job, my dog, my relationship, my eating, my resistance to cut. I just want everything to come easy. I need it to happen that way. I don't want Landon thinking that I'm lying to him again, we've gotten past all of that and we're doing so well now. I need him more than ever right now, but how can he help me and be there for me if I can't even explain to him what I'm feeling? All I think about is killing myself or hurting people that are pissing me off. It's actually really scaring me. I'm slowly losing it, not losing it as in an emotional breakdown, losing it like there is seriously something really fucked up going on inside my head lately. I'm always seeing shadows of what I believe to be people. While i'm driving at night I freak out because I start seeing the signs and lights turn into people. I come home at night terrified that I'm hearing and seeing people watching me as I walk inside (which I have every right to because there's this weirdo kid down the street that's always trying to get me to come hangout, and always sending me pictures of his dick even though I have told him many times to FUCK OFF). Why can't I just be normal? I just want to be pretty, lovable, and confident, like the girl I used to be. I think I'm also paranoid because i'm afraid Landon is going to leave me. The guy I was with on and off for 3 years, now my "best friend" who's "in love" with me, after a year of dating him he decided that "he was too busy to show me he cares anymore"...He started talking to other girls even though i was uncomfortable with it, he'd talk shit about me to girls he used to like, he led me on. He hurt me, he scarred me, he's the reason why everything came spiraling, and crashing down on me making all of my problems so much worse. Every guy I date eventually hates me and leaves me....Landon will too.

11:58 am
I just about fucking lost it. I broke down because of my stupid fucking job, and the stupid fucking people that are here. I scratched the shit out of my arm. I'm going to lose my boyfriend forever now :'( He's going to see it, and leave me. I have to hide my arm now....Can I just disappear please!?....like forever & ever. I just want to take all of my diet pills. I'm sure witht he way they make my heart react that would be no problem at all. I'm just exhausted with everything. Im tired of being tired. I want to move so far away forever, away from all these places, these people. I just want it to be Landon and I forever, just the two of us. Things seem to work better that way just the pair of us. We are happy. I feel like the way i've been lately has been screwing all of that up. I feel my happiness slipping from me...My whole arm stings now. It feels wonderful in a way. I wanted to grab the scissors but I stopped myself. I'm turning into a monster that I can't get away from. I'm just going to end up being alone, sad, depressed, scared, poor, and confused forever. I can't even get my life together. I can't figure out a career. I can't even find ONE thing that i'm great at. Or even just plain decent at. How am I supposed to live if I cant even make that kind of decision. I just want my life to fit together. I would kill just to have all the pieces that are supposed to make up my life and just slip into place how it's supposed to be. I just want to go back to bed and sleep and sleep and sleep and never wake up again.




3/28
on a good note : I got a job interview tomorrow to work at an employee cafe in a government building that makes plane, and space shuttle parts. wish me luck.

Pretty sure I screwed myself this weekend. It was Landon and I's anniversary weekend...went well I was just really moody because 1. i'm sick and 2. stupid period decided to show up. I never get really bad PMS but this weekend was the biggest bitch. I was 113 before the weekend I don't even want to jump on a scale i'm sure i'm back to 120....going to stick to my diet pills for the week. I will have a big long venting post later, i'm too tired right now, and at work. I literally want to kill myself, and the feeling isn't going away.

Island in the Sun

So when I started REALLY gaining weight my grandma was always "oh my how much do you weigh now" or "oh you look really bloated" or "have you gained a lot of weight?" She's such a sweetheart right? -_____- Well this morning I go in to say good bye and she's complaining that I'm getting too thin! seriously??

And then today I'm dealing with Landon's baby momma drama. This girl claims to have his kid, lied about the whole thing said the girl was born a month before she was actually born all this crazy other shit. But he refuses to talk to her, so who's the next person?? Me....at least she isn't a bitch to me like she was to his last ex. She's always sending me pictures of her, and emails about court and it's like okay i'm helping but I'm tired of always talking to you about something that is none of my business..I can't imagine Landon taking care of a child. Just last night he's like why have a baby all they do is cry. When they wake up they cry, when they need to be changed they cry, they need food they cry, then they just cry for the hell of it....it's like what do you expect them to do? The little girl's birthday is coming up though and I think Landon should do something for her, but he won't.

Ate a little today....3 bottles of water, and like 7 cheez its. 1 1/2 diet pills. My mom bought me snap peas but I'm too afraid to eat them. I'm really bloated right now and it's just making me look really fat and like all of this isn't even working :( stupid upcoming period

On a Good Day

Little bit lost and...
A little bit lonely
Little bit cold here
A little bit feared

But I hold on
And I
Feel strong
And I
Know that I can

Getting used to it
Lit the fuse to it
Like to know who I am

Been talking to myself forever, yeah
And how I wish I knew me better, yeah
Still sitting on a shelf and never
Never seen the sun shine brighter
And it feels like me
On a good day

And it feels like me
On a good day

I'm a little bit hemmed in
A little bit isolated
A little bit hopeful
A little bit cold

But I hold on
And I
Feel strong
And I
Know that I can

Getting used to it
Lit the fuse to it
Like to know who I am

Been talking to myself forever, yeah
And how I wish I knew me better, yeah
Still sitting on a shelf and never
Never seen the sun shine brighter...

And it feels like me
On a good day

Been talking to myself forever, yeah
And how I wish I knew me better, yeah
Still sitting on a shelf and never
Never seen the sun shine brighter
And it feels like me
On a good day

Roll Right Over

I didn't eat at all yesterday....didn't lose weight....won't eat again today....maybe i'll just die from these miracle pills

Landslide

I wasn't going to write today, I didn't want to but I'm losing it right now. And of course over something stupid, immature, pathetic. Landon always says how he hates girls that look trashy, dress slutty, pose naked for magazines, and would never date that type of girl (i mean he's a guy i know he's going to still look at them ) but it upsets me A LOT when i see he likes a picture of one of those girls...and it makes me feel completely insecure. I feel like i'm never good enough. He's always complaining that I never do my makeup all nice for him...but then he tells me I don't need make up and its like I don't know what to do because I don't understand what he wants. And its like why am i getting so upset over him liking a stupid fucking picture?! Why does it bother me?! Whenever we have sex i'm always thinking he is thinking about other girls....Last night I just so wasn't into it, I felt like it was a forced situation...like i was doing what I had to do just to be able to stop all of it already. I just want to feel good enough for him :'( and I never will be..

Still fucking crying at any opportunity. I just break down instantly and I can't control it. I just feel like I need to cry really hard, or just cut until there's no blood left.  These diet pills are amazing but then they suck....They are amazing because they control my appetite ALL day and i've only taken 1 so far. Haven't had a drop of food, or an urge to eat anything. On the down side the pills make my heartbeat ridiculously fast. I already have an irregular heartbeat that skips a beat and then it double pumps and when I take this pill I can definitely feel when my heart does that double pump of blood through my body. Another huge downside I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP ON THESE DAMN THINGS! I've been miserable and bitchy and I just want to sleep.

I just want to stop having thoughts always in my head. For one fucking minute I would love to be able to just get away from myself, my thoughts, my experiences, my problems. I just want to be able to erase all my memories.

No one knows how badly I just want to fucking end everything. I'm never going to get better. No one can help me anymore. I should just start pushing everyone away now.

I fucking love her <3 Juliet from the Voice she's like a clone of Emma Stone but so much hotter.

I've been very emotional today. I'm just watching tv crying over fucking everything...I ordered pizza, waiting for it to come......fuck

End my Misery

I'm probably a little less than 115 lbs now but i'm just not even motivated to do anything. I hate everything going on, I hate my job, my life....

I've got 2 edible cookies (that hopefully get me high, they havent been lately), a box of hair dye, a diet pill (that's going to kill me soon), 2 smart waters, and laundry calling my name today.

Not in a good writing mood today I haven't really been this whole weekend.

yeah,

I've been feeling pretty shitty lately. Past three day's i've only had 2 jamba juice smoothies and 3 diet pills. I think the diet pills are some what suppressing my appetite so it's pretty awesome. I'm kinda hungry right now.

Found out my doggie has lung cancer, she's going to be put down :'(

not feelings great.

Fuck Health Insurance in this fucked up Country

Im so fucking done with my bullshit health insurance, my bullshit doctor! I went in there today for bloodwork to see if I have Hepatitis A and the bitch didn't even want to do it! AND she fucking told me that my abdomen pain i've been having since last July, my ear pain that's been happening for a couple years, my back and leg pain that just started, is all made up! She said that i'm just being a hypocondriac and that the pain probably isn't even real! Like what the fuck?!? First of all a hypocondriac is a person who believes they have certain diseases or certain sicknesses. I don't even know or think I know what's wrong with me everything just fucking hurts! I feel all this pain and its ignored. Oh and she took my off my thryoid medication and just told me to see how I feel....seriously?! I'm soooo fucking done and sick and tired of my referrals never getting approved, my doctor straight out calling me a liar, and faker. Also she won't tell me if i'm positive for Hep A until my next appointment IN A MONTH!  IM TIRED OF BEING IN PAIN, AND NOT BEING DIAGNOSED WITH ANYTHING, OR FOR THE MATTER OF FACT EVEN START THE PROCESS OF ELIMINATION!

Last night I went to subway at like 10 pm ate a stupid sandwich and cookies. Thanks Landon once again. Right now I made myself crispy mashed red potatoes, and tofu, that I don't even want to touch because i'm so mad Im not even hungry anymore. Least i burned calories cooking, and about to clean the dishes.

still super pissed and will be for a while.

Help me Please!

work

The things we think might be the same
But I won't fight for more
Its just not me to wear it on my sleeve
Count on that for sure




i'm done being fucking fat, being self-conscious all the fucking time, having fat rolls, jiggly arms, thighs that touch, being so sick from binges. I'm done with everything. 

Just not Too Close

can i be a jellyfish and have no worries?

I fucking hate Landon right now. He made me eat fucking mcdonalds last night so my calorie count for the day was like fucking 900. Want to blow my damn brains out.

Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't

MyFitFoods

^^ my dinner tonight! I can't wait some of the stuff looks soooo good. The only problem is that you can't substitute anything, or take out anything you don't like "/ but whatever I'll pick around it. That's if I can even eat.

For lunch today all I ate was a cup of veggies mainly broccoli, and celery. And then I took half of that salad i was supposed to eat and only ate about 3/4ths of that half and I barely used any dressing with it. Couldn't be that many calories? Tomorrow I get paid so I'll be getting back on track of counting my calories and exercising. I did walk for 30 min today though I was exhausted by the time I got back into the office. I hate going for my walks for 2 reasons. One all the guys are disgusting and just stare. Two there's this burger place that is right on the corner, and oh my god! smells so good i've been wanting to get the breakfast burrito I used to get every morning, and i've been craving they're huge order of delicious curly fries. Writing this kinda got me hungry even though my stomach is still burning the shit out of me. I have a blunt in my make up bag today and I'm super tempted to just go on a 10 min break. My stomach hurts so much "/ All I want is Landon, sleep, and weed <3 

Just wanted to share with you Sea Animal <3
Jellyfish are beautiful in every single way. They're simple yet sophisticated. 

Savior

Life's greatest questions have always been: Who am I? Where did I come from? Why am I here? Where am I going? You are about to see and hear one of the most significant messages given to us from God. Get down Wooooooo! Get down. I'm lying to myself, And this dagger's my excuse. I'm a pawn. I Should have paid up, And I left an hour late,I was laid up. I must abuse myself. I'm against all that I've made up. Set in stone the sun will come, And I hate light. You know I hate light. To me it looks so pretty burning. Burn the sun Burn the light. Take take take take take take it away, Take my hand, Take my life,Take take take take take take it away.

I must have caught something. In the heat of all these dances. I'm a worm with no more chances. And I've lost all doubt,In a chemical romance. I can't stop itching over thoughts of tarnished hope, kinda funny,lonely feeling. I'm not in love, You know it's not love,Don't make it look so pretty burning. Burn the sun, Burn the light, Take take take take take take it away, Take my hand, Take my life,Take take take take take take it away. Burn the sun, Burn the light. Take take take take take take it away, Take my hand, Take my life,Take take take take take take it away.

Brothers and sisters, I'm right here with you, Cause everyone's got one, A story to kill me. I'm so apathetic in my resentment, Living, loving, knowing not. Take my hand Take my life Take my heart take my mind Take my life take my life. Burn the sun burn the light. Take take take take take take it away Take my hand take my life Take take take take take take it away Burn the sun burn the light Take take take take take take it away Take my hand take my life Take my life Take my life.

Last night I swallowed liquor and a lighter and this morning I threw up fire. But it's nothing new. I've been piecing it together and it's got something to do with every look thrown like a knife across a crowded room. Every slow and quiet car ride I spent drinking in the backseat. Every stupid melody to every stupid song. And every stupid word that everybody's hanging on. What difference does this difference in age make? I know how it ends... she'll kill me quick. So call 911. I'm already dead but someone should be caught and held responsible for this bloody mess.

Last night I fell asleep next to a liar and I woke up with a shiner. And it's all that I remember from a night spent lying on my back with a view of a stone white ceiling and the back of your head. This dark and quiet bed felt like the middle of nowhere. We beat each other up just like we always do. When I'm talking to myself I'd always rather be talking to you. What difference does this difference in age make? I know how it ends... she'll kill me quick. Call 911. I'm already dead but someone should be caught and held responsible for this bloody mess. Call homicide. Take the case to court. Her lips taste like a loaded gun and I'm her number one chalk outline on the floor.

They hung her from the bridge on Monday. The gathering turned into a mob out on the lawn. They dropped her body in the river. And school and work returned to normal before long... Call 911. I'm already dead but someone should be caught and held responsible for this bloody mess. Call homicide. Take the case to court. Her lips taste like a loaded gun
and I'm her number one chalk outline on the floor.

I just love how a few months back my parents and I got in a fight about me cutting, my anxiety, my depression and how they've always ignored it because they didn't know how to handle it. They've seen my scars when I was 12 years old. I've always been strong for other people when they needed help but when it comes to myself I am the weakest link. I don't know how to talk to anyone about my feelings because I was taught to just be independent and figure out my own issues. It honestly fucked me up in every way. I can't express any emotion to anyone. Landon hates this because he tries to help me and play therapist but I just don't even know how to talk about things...He won't understand, and when I try to talk he becomes judgmental and I hate it. But back into my parents, when we had that fight they were all "things will change, we'll get you help, im sorry" my response was "you're full of shit and you know it! you're not going to change a damn thing" and to this day i've proven my point. All my mom does is buy me fucking scar cream and it's like one this shit doesn't work, and two I'm not going to use this. I resent my parents with a passion. They treat my sister different than they did when I was that age. They are really bad parents and I'm not even saying that because i'm mad or upset i'm saying this because they are really bad parents. Just this past weekend my dad caught my sister on MY bed with another boy and the boy jumped up and immediately ran to the bathroom so obviously they were fooling around. But what happens?? Nothing....no punishment, no lectures, nothing...they don't know how to handle situations so they rather just ignore them. And I'm so scared my sister will end up as fucked up as me. I fucking hate my life. I stress out all the time. Mostly about food, my future, my job, my boyfriend. I mostly get my panic attacks when I start thinking about how I'm going to live without knowing what I'm going to do in life. I get bored with things very easily and If I don't like a class I drop it..I hate wasting my time with something I'm never going to use. The thing is ever since my depression I've lost all interest in everything. I used to love art and now I hate drawing because it's never good enough. I don't know what i'm good at anymore. There isn't anything. I joked last night with Landon saying we should have a Suicide Pact. He didn't think is was funny..and I don't know if I was joking. I've been very suicidal lately, like no joke....Last night I was smoking TRYING to get high but it just wouldnt work and it was just pissing me off. Landon was doing something and I just got really tired laid my face straight into the pillow and I could feel it getting harder to breath and I just wanted to die. I keep having my disturbing daydreams of me dying again...just today at work i thought about how I could just faint hit my head on something and just bleed out on the floor at work without anyone noticing. The only people who pay attention to me here and the freaking mexican guys in the warehouse. I'm not racist, I have nothing against mexicans but these guys are the type of Mexicans that give Mexicans a bad name. They're gross, and rude and always whistling and making crude gestures at me. They're like fucking 40 too and they're all really mean to the nice old guy that works here. I fucking hate my job, my boss, my co-workers. I fucking hate my whole life. Why was I put on this damn earth just to have a life like this? There's no God.

Swing

All I right now is a gigantic cup of hot lemon ginseng green tea. My body is fucking hating me right now, my stomach hasn't stopped burning since I got off work last night "/ I even made a salad for dinner and I could barely eat any and it was soooo goood! I stir-fried asparagus, celery, green beans, and bell peppers in sesame oil. When they were almost done I put a tiny bit of basil pesto spread we had. Then I cut up Romaine lettuce tossed that in sesame oil, lemon juice, and this like chili pepper jalapeno paste it was sooooo good! and of course I couldn't even eat. I know for a fact that I was under 100 calories yesterday.

Landon says that he doesn't want to become vegetarian or vegan again :( but he said he would support me doing it. I really wish he wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. He has become addicted to counting calories though. I don't want him getting skinny though. I like thats he's bigger than me, I feel small and safe. I've only had sex with one person who was skinner than me, and let me tell you the entire time I felt awkward, uncomfortable, and just extremely fat.

Today for work my mom made me bring a stupid salad that she bought me and the whole damn this is 280 calories...for one meal?? It makes me go fucking insane just thinking of eating all of that at one time. My stomach is already burning anyways and I have no appetite so maybe I can get out of eating it.

Sorry for such the lame post "/ I'll most likely post a few more throughout the day as always. I hate my job.

All Eyes on You Now.

I used to love drawing eyes before my depression,
and now I seem to have lost the love, and fun
I used to have just drawing all day long. I feel like I
Lost myself in this black hole.

Didn't really get to count the calories I ate today but I know it isn't that much.
For lunch I was preparing a frozen chicken noodle soup that was only 140 calories for the entire thing. After making I realized I didn't need all the nasty noodles, or the fake chicken, or overly processed carrots soooo I took all the broth out cut up broccoli, carrots, jalapenos, spinach, and celery, and it was pretty yummy. And I couldn't even finish a 1/4th of the soup. Hopefully wasn't too much calories "/

Last night Landon brought up becoming Vegan again because his Cholesterol is way too high. Immediately  I was like HELL YESSS! cause that would totally help with losing this weight and it would make it so much easier if he was dieting with me. He's always wanting to eat out and eat fast food because that's all he lives around. We used to go to Whole Foods a lot but we think that's where he caught Hepatitis from so he's been staying away from there. I really want to do this though even without him I think I'll start this weekend when I get paid. I've already looked up blogs for vegans, and vegetarians and some of the recipes look amazing, and it makes me hungry "/ but my appetite is like shot today from me being sick.

Chase this Light

This whole weekend and yesterday I haven't even been keeping count of my calories because I know how shitty i've done. I'm ashamed and I feel disgusting. My body hates me for feeding it crap. I'm pretty sure I caught Landon's Hepatitis, cause I'm in a world of pain today. I don't even want to move. Only plus is if I did catch this Landon lost like 20 pounds in 3 days so let's cross my fingers lol

He really is the best boyfriend, even when he's sick he takes the best care of me. He always puts me first. How could I even be so selfish to even think about leaving him? I know i've had my doubts about this relationship but he's amazing and his life will turn around. He's super talented and amazing there is no way his art won't get him somewhere. He just needs the motivation.

I don't have time

Right now I just want to go on a major rant like I have been today but I'm almost off of work and get to go see Landon. We have to go have dinner at my house and with the whole situation with my dog getting put to sleep I highly doubt that it's going to go well. I'll just fucking pop a few vicodin and smoke a few bowls first maybe I can just fucking tune them out. I hate everyone in my life. You wonderful girls that comment on my stupid rants, and Landon are what is keeping me alive. I'm getting to that point.