Thursday, March 29, 2012

I Have Found the Courage

I am (well was) dating the most selfish fucking person in this god damn universe. Last night I weigh myself 112 I was really happy and what does Landon do?! He tells me that I'm going to be disgusting if I get to 105. He doesn't fucking care if thats what its going to take to make me happy, or make me feel better about myself. He's always belittled me. He's always pointed out my flaws. He's always made fun of me. He's always makes me cry. He's always mean. 


This is our conversation last night :


L : Your not going to lose me but your pushing me away cause I know your gong to 
freak out if your get to your weight and start gaining weight again 
 
C : I just waant to feel good about myself. I didn't feel good ever aabout 
myself at that weight. I was never a self concious person till I gained weight 
and sincce I've lost weight I do feel better about myself. 

L : It's like dating a totally different person then 

C : No its not I'm feeling better aabout myself and I'm not dying thin or even super 
thin I'm different because I'd be skinnier?

L : Yeah and after a certain weight it's not attractive anymore 

C : Yeah and I told you I want to stay in between 105-110. You haven't even seen how 
I look that weight it won't be much different than I am now. 

L : If its no different then you look now what's the point in dropping even more 
weight. 

C : Because I can notice it. I feel the difference.

L : But your not going to care your going to keep changing your body which is going 
to piss me off cause its just going drew more attention towards you. And by how 
you tell me you love me every second really makes me wonder now. 

C : Its not like I'm going to be dressing differently. I'm not going to be 
showing off. I can't believe you just said that Landon :'( you know I fucking 
love you to death and I've been having a bad time lately and I'm sorry I've been 
clingy and I need you and I'm sorry I don't give you enough space and I tell you 
I love you too much. I'm sorry

L : If you need me why don't you ever say anything! I've been there threw everything 
so don't ever say i havent. Having a bad time lately you won't ever say 
anything, and when you do I try to help you don't ever want to hear what I have 
to say. And as the weight I was there when you started losing the weight when 
you said you wanted to lose 20lbs and now you want to push it more. Your new bra 
I bought you that doesn't fit anymore to big you said yesterday, and if you 
weren't happy without yourself when I'd ask if you were okay and you said yes 
that was a lie then If your not happy with yourself then you weren't happy with 
me 

C : Because I don't know how to ask for help obviously! I don't know how to 
reach out to someone when I need them I've never had that I don't know how its 
hard for me. I think thru exactly what I'd say and the minute I try speaking I 
start choking and I can't. Okay fine ill stop losing weight. I just want 
you to be happy and for us to be happy. 



Well as you can see from what i wrote above that we aren't happy and no longer together so fuck it this is it.
I'm going to go home, eat an edible, eat and eat and watch FRIENDS since that tv show makes me laugh harder than anything and just feel myself die from what I will have taken. 


To the few who have made me feel so better since i've started this blog, you have been amazing and I may not know any of you in person but I love you guys for all the strength and motivation you have given me. Stay strong for me please. 

3 comments:

  1. Please don't hurt yourself. Please, please say you're okay. I'm so worried about you. Stay strong. <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. We are here for you hun, please post again soon and let us know you are ok...
    Alice xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm so sorry sweetie :( Things will look up even if he isn't in your life. We are all here for you so stay strong. You are beautiful and so is your blog!
    All my support,
    <3 A Fragile Heart

    ReplyDelete