Landslide

I wasn't going to write today, I didn't want to but I'm losing it right now. And of course over something stupid, immature, pathetic. Landon always says how he hates girls that look trashy, dress slutty, pose naked for magazines, and would never date that type of girl (i mean he's a guy i know he's going to still look at them ) but it upsets me A LOT when i see he likes a picture of one of those girls...and it makes me feel completely insecure. I feel like i'm never good enough. He's always complaining that I never do my makeup all nice for him...but then he tells me I don't need make up and its like I don't know what to do because I don't understand what he wants. And its like why am i getting so upset over him liking a stupid fucking picture?! Why does it bother me?! Whenever we have sex i'm always thinking he is thinking about other girls....Last night I just so wasn't into it, I felt like it was a forced situation...like i was doing what I had to do just to be able to stop all of it already. I just want to feel good enough for him :'( and I never will be..

Still fucking crying at any opportunity. I just break down instantly and I can't control it. I just feel like I need to cry really hard, or just cut until there's no blood left.  These diet pills are amazing but then they suck....They are amazing because they control my appetite ALL day and i've only taken 1 so far. Haven't had a drop of food, or an urge to eat anything. On the down side the pills make my heartbeat ridiculously fast. I already have an irregular heartbeat that skips a beat and then it double pumps and when I take this pill I can definitely feel when my heart does that double pump of blood through my body. Another huge downside I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP ON THESE DAMN THINGS! I've been miserable and bitchy and I just want to sleep.

I just want to stop having thoughts always in my head. For one fucking minute I would love to be able to just get away from myself, my thoughts, my experiences, my problems. I just want to be able to erase all my memories.

No one knows how badly I just want to fucking end everything. I'm never going to get better. No one can help me anymore. I should just start pushing everyone away now.