Yesterdays Nightmare, and Today's News

3/27
I'm getting worse than I ever imagined I would get. Landon especially knows that I've been off all weekend. He's been asking what's wrong and I just tell him I'm fine because I don't know how else to respond. I wish I could talk about what's going on inside of me, my head but it's like I think about the conversation I have exactly what I want to say in my mind but then I open my mouth and it just doesn't want to come out. I mumble, stutter, forget, and then start crying....I get so uncomfortable and just ughhh when I'm forced to talk about my feelings. I don't want him thinking I'm crazier than he already knows. What I want to tell him is that I can't handle anything anymore. It's all so overwhelming and I have so much pressure on my chest that wont come off. I can't ever breath anymore. I'm always stressed out in some way. It's either school, work, money, my car, my job, my dog, my relationship, my eating, my resistance to cut. I just want everything to come easy. I need it to happen that way. I don't want Landon thinking that I'm lying to him again, we've gotten past all of that and we're doing so well now. I need him more than ever right now, but how can he help me and be there for me if I can't even explain to him what I'm feeling? All I think about is killing myself or hurting people that are pissing me off. It's actually really scaring me. I'm slowly losing it, not losing it as in an emotional breakdown, losing it like there is seriously something really fucked up going on inside my head lately. I'm always seeing shadows of what I believe to be people. While i'm driving at night I freak out because I start seeing the signs and lights turn into people. I come home at night terrified that I'm hearing and seeing people watching me as I walk inside (which I have every right to because there's this weirdo kid down the street that's always trying to get me to come hangout, and always sending me pictures of his dick even though I have told him many times to FUCK OFF). Why can't I just be normal? I just want to be pretty, lovable, and confident, like the girl I used to be. I think I'm also paranoid because i'm afraid Landon is going to leave me. The guy I was with on and off for 3 years, now my "best friend" who's "in love" with me, after a year of dating him he decided that "he was too busy to show me he cares anymore"...He started talking to other girls even though i was uncomfortable with it, he'd talk shit about me to girls he used to like, he led me on. He hurt me, he scarred me, he's the reason why everything came spiraling, and crashing down on me making all of my problems so much worse. Every guy I date eventually hates me and leaves me....Landon will too.

11:58 am
I just about fucking lost it. I broke down because of my stupid fucking job, and the stupid fucking people that are here. I scratched the shit out of my arm. I'm going to lose my boyfriend forever now :'( He's going to see it, and leave me. I have to hide my arm now....Can I just disappear please!?....like forever & ever. I just want to take all of my diet pills. I'm sure witht he way they make my heart react that would be no problem at all. I'm just exhausted with everything. Im tired of being tired. I want to move so far away forever, away from all these places, these people. I just want it to be Landon and I forever, just the two of us. Things seem to work better that way just the pair of us. We are happy. I feel like the way i've been lately has been screwing all of that up. I feel my happiness slipping from me...My whole arm stings now. It feels wonderful in a way. I wanted to grab the scissors but I stopped myself. I'm turning into a monster that I can't get away from. I'm just going to end up being alone, sad, depressed, scared, poor, and confused forever. I can't even get my life together. I can't figure out a career. I can't even find ONE thing that i'm great at. Or even just plain decent at. How am I supposed to live if I cant even make that kind of decision. I just want my life to fit together. I would kill just to have all the pieces that are supposed to make up my life and just slip into place how it's supposed to be. I just want to go back to bed and sleep and sleep and sleep and never wake up again.




3/28
on a good note : I got a job interview tomorrow to work at an employee cafe in a government building that makes plane, and space shuttle parts. wish me luck.