I need more time

I wish I had time to properly write a post but work is so crazy today :(

92.4 lbs as of this morning.
My goal is to be 80 lbs by wednesday, October 17th, my birthday.
I will accomplish this.
I won't let this weekend fuck me up.

I've got this new monster though.
It completely has controlled my hunger problems.
It yells at me.
It tells me every reason why I should not put that in my mouth.
I wake up though, and this monster seems to consume my entire mind.
The urge to be violent has never been stronger.
I feel stronger in a way.
I feel unusually different.

I'm meeting with a new therapist tomorrow.
I'm nervous.
I don't like how she looks.
She gives me a bad vibe already, but my psychiatrist told me to give it a chance. He wants me seeing someone at least twice a week...
He is pretty oblivious to me not eating, but i'm afraid she'll take note of it.

Unexpected

I had a breakdown last night, and I was at Landon's apartment....

I don't even exactly remember how it even started. He was getting upset because he was saying there's no reason for me to think of suicide. He wasn't yelling but I could see that he was getting tense about it. I started trying to explain and that went into my parents fault for never talking to me about things (literally they never ever ever talked to me about problems, feelings, anything). Then in went into the subject of resenting my mom for not making me lift up my sleeve further when she first saw my razors...How I just felt hurt...She could have helped me from the start so it never got this bad. & after that I just was sobbing my eyes out and I couldn't stop talking about why I was hurting so much. It's like my mind just blurting everything out because it could no longer be locked up in my head....I expected Landon to get mad, to start arguing with me about this, to just be mean....but to my surprise he didn't. He looked at me with the most hurt, and worried look in his eyes and crawled up next to me on the floor and held me...let me cry everything out...he rubbed my hair....he was being the type of guy I need...the type of support I need on a daily basis. He then started going on about how no matter how many fights we have, no matter how bad we pick at each other's flaws, no matter how many hurtful things we say to each other he will never ever leave me. He looked straight into my eyes and told me no matter what is going on between us, if I ever feel like I've gotten to that point of no return that I have to call him. He kept saying he can't lose me ever. 

But who knows how today will be. He has a day ahead of him that usually just leaves him pissed off and taking it out on me in the end....so I guess tonight will really show if he meant it. When I left for work this morning he looked at me as I left with the most worried look I've ever seen on his face...I felt bad.

I had a small binge last night...it was only an ice cream bar, and a few gummy snacks. These kind of binges always make me so starving in the morning. It seems to speed up my metabolism. 

I've begun planning my food for the weekend. I tend to eat out of control on the weekends so I've created baggies of small snacks with the calorie amount written on the bag. I've also done it with drinks as well but just measured them out back into the bottle so I can mark off how much is a cup. I'm hoping this will help control what I put into my mouth.

Thank you to all my new followers I adore all the motivation and comments <3

I've ate today a salad that couldn't have been more than 180 calories probably less than that. & just a bunch of water but I still feel sooooo thirsty. 

Still not feeling too well. Only 2 more days till my psychiatrist appointment.

oh and i used this website and it decides to tell you what % of people are skinnier than you! like jesus fucking christ this pushed me over the edge http://www.bmi.name/world-statistics.php?ln=en&h_feet=5&h_inches=2&h_cm=&gender_pound=2&age_pound=19&gender_kg=&age_kg=&bmi_kg=&bmi_pound=17.4&type=1

Sized Up

A little over a month ago I was 98 lbs...
I'm still that weight!
fuck, i'm so mad at myself.

8/15 Measurements:

Thighs: 18.5 in.
Mid-Thigh: 17 in.
Hips: 31 in.
Butt: 34 in.
Below Bust: 29.5 in.
Bust: 33.5 in.
Calves: 13 in.
Bicep: 9.5 in.

9/18 Measurements:
Thighs: 16.9 in.
Mid-Thigh: 15.5 in.
Hips: 30 in.
Butt: 32.5 in.
Below Bust: 27 in.
Bust: 32.5 in.
Calves: 12.2 in.
Bicep: 8.5 in.

why is it that my measurements dropped but my weight didn't! ugh fuck me.
I'm just fat. I'll die this way.

Fuck, Can I become skinny already!?!!!

I've been having flashbacks since last night.
Landon was talking to his apt. manager for about an hour outside.
I locked myself in the bathroom climbed into the shower with my bong.
Put on music and just sat there smoking when it started....

The one that really has been nagging on my brain is the first time my mom ever found me trying to hide a razor. They got mad at me. I remember them calling me into their room. I sat down on the floor with my legs to my chest, arms around my knees. I was scared and frightened a bit. I had just recently found out what cutting can do, how it can take away that pain for a second. My mom told me to lift my pant legs, and then next my sleeves....She never saw the cuts. All she had to do was make me lift my sleeve a little higher, she would have found the cuts. She could have saved me from this before it started.

I snapped out of the flashback with my teeth so tensed together. My whole body just burning and angry at her. She should have known. She could have made everything alright. I cried for a long time afterwards. I've never been protected by my parents. They've raised me to be so independent, to never need them for anything. I'm realizing I don't know how to talk about my feelings, or what's wrong because of my parents. They never talked to me about problems they felt. They always ignored things. I became so mute with everyone because I grew up thinking this is how it is supposed to be.

On Sunday my mom called me into her room. She told me she thinks I'm depressed.....NO SHIT. & now she's trying to talk to my psychiatrist, she wants to come in with me...and I can't handle it. It makes my brain hurt literally. She was talking about a 30 day inpatient program for depression? That wont be useful for me.

I had breakfast this morning and I'm water fasting the rest of the day. I was 98.6 lbs when I went home last night and I wanted to throw my scale through the wall. I feel disgusting. My thighs won't fucking shrink. They stay gigantic! They jiggle and no matter what I do they wont slim down :'( I want to cut a hole so deep into my thighs I can stick a vacuum into it and suck all the fat out. It just doesn't seem possible that i'm under 100 lbs and still look pretty big. My hips down won't shrink. I can't get rid of that last belly fat. I don't know what to do!

also anyone in Southern California i'd love to talk to you! I need some friends and motivation closer to home.

Medication at Last

you can't really see my body but my legs need to be worked on massively

I wish so badly you could have affairs with your psychologist. I just met mine saturday and OMG he is absolutely gorgeous, but somehow easy to talk to. At first he had given me a prescription for Remeron, which is a mild anti-depressant that encourages weight gain! I started reading up and people gained like 30 lbs from this!! Luckily he called me at like 8 pm last to discuss other options he had in mind. He told me he was discussing my case with some of his colleagues and they all decided that a combination of Lexapro and Trazodone would be the best for me. And for the next 30 minutes he just sat on the phone with me talking about how my day was and how I was feeling. It was nice, just seemed odd he'd call me so late at night. I took the first dose of both of them last night but since I had work early in the morning I only half of the trazodone. I took the Lexapro about 20 minutes before the Trazodone and my heart was pounding from it I got nervous and jittery, then I took the Trazodone and since that one is supposed to knock me out the two meds started having like a battle. I couldnt even sit up without feeling this weird feeling. It wasn't bad it was more of a good dizzy? I don't know how to explain it but it made me feel nice for a short amount of time until my stomach started cramping and hurting. Waking up this morning was kind of hard because of the pills and I've been having bursts of anger throughout the day. My arms feel very tense like I need to hit something. The psychologist said that I have problems surrounding me from all over. That I have stress coming in from every single angle of my life. He says my daydreams are passive aggressive suicidal thoughts that need to be taken seriously. I already knew that.....

Other than that I went hiking on Friday but it soon turned to shit when Landon started another useless fight that he has no business even saying shit about. I don't even like being around him anymore. Last week we "broke up" again and honestly I wasn't even upset I was looking forward to being alone, quitting my job, not eating, becoming skinny, going to school, you know shit that FOCUSES ON ME FOR ONCE!

Anyways just forget about this stupid ramble nonsense bullshit. Fuck. At least I have the sources to completely OD when I feel like I really can't fucking take anything anymore.

& I've been really wanting to start a new blog just about random shit and people that I like, but honestly I barely have the time to update this blog? how can I even begin to think about starting a new one as well? ugh fuck me and the little time I have for shit other than a controlling, psychotic, freak of a boyfriend that literally NEVER STOPS FUCKING TALKING!.