FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
SERIOUSLY I'M GOING TO LOSE IT TONIGHT.
I'm at a point where I can't stand anyone at all.
I see myself in a mirror and I want to throw something at my reflection.
My family, my boyfriend I'm just so fucking tired and done with it all the contradictions, the lies.

I'm just really fucking frustrated I want to throw my head into a concrete wall.

Tonight will be interesting one with Landon. I just get that feeling in my chest when a big fight will happen and  I'm already getting that feeling & I still have 2 more hours till I see him. Fuck him. I have to deal with reality and everyday misery while he sits back and sleeps till noon or later & then barely fucking acknowledge that I'm even breathing or having a bad day at work. I just want to go to bed early but I wont be able to cause then he goes on how lazy, boring, least spontaneous person ever......Yet he's the one who goes to bed at 3 am wake ups at noon, goes to hookah, eats, goes home, smokes weed and it just replays over and over every god damn day. While I get to go to bed at like 1:30 am wake up on and off throughout the night, wake up at 7 am for work, work for 9 fucking hours, go home, go be his fucking slave.....& I'm the lazy one!? FUCK


Anyways some good news Kate Moss has a Coloring Book Called Kate Moss Color Me Good and I've found most the pages online so I'll post them for anyone who wants to print them out and pass a little bit of time.

& I needed some motivation since my FATNESS decided to gain weight....FUCK ME

just for fun <3

more babble bullshit

I know I've posted twice already today but I'm so angry.

for the past 2 weeks i've been begging landon to go hiking but he keeps saying "we have to see how I feel" 

& we never end up going.

Well I'm stuck at fucking work today and what does he do?! Go hiking & decides to send me pictures of all these frogs he found and it pisses me of  that he would do this and shove it in my face.

I know i'm over reacting but how things have been between us lately, it just upsets me.

I cut deep twice. I don't know how this habit came crawling back so fast. I had to stop myself at two cuts because I wanted to keep going and going deeper. Weird thing is I kept going deep and all I saw was white tissue I didn't even bleed.....and then small trickles started but nothing more than that. I don't even feel like I'm alive....

Intake today is about 160....

I'm very weak. It hurts my muscles to carry a stack of papers. 

I found a GREAT THINSPO blog on tumblr http://beckyyanalynn.tumblr.com/

& found this article to be interesting http://mashable.com/2012/08/20/pro-anorexia-blogs/

FUCK. I want to look like them.

I will fucking do this. I'll be so weak and brittle I can barely sit up.

anything to be skinny :'(

I don't know why I want to be so badly. I just want to hit myself in the face when I think about eating. It just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. 

or maybe it just brings me closer to death....

Fuck, Can I become skinny already!?!!!

I've been having flashbacks since last night.
Landon was talking to his apt. manager for about an hour outside.
I locked myself in the bathroom climbed into the shower with my bong.
Put on music and just sat there smoking when it started....

The one that really has been nagging on my brain is the first time my mom ever found me trying to hide a razor. They got mad at me. I remember them calling me into their room. I sat down on the floor with my legs to my chest, arms around my knees. I was scared and frightened a bit. I had just recently found out what cutting can do, how it can take away that pain for a second. My mom told me to lift my pant legs, and then next my sleeves....She never saw the cuts. All she had to do was make me lift my sleeve a little higher, she would have found the cuts. She could have saved me from this before it started.

I snapped out of the flashback with my teeth so tensed together. My whole body just burning and angry at her. She should have known. She could have made everything alright. I cried for a long time afterwards. I've never been protected by my parents. They've raised me to be so independent, to never need them for anything. I'm realizing I don't know how to talk about my feelings, or what's wrong because of my parents. They never talked to me about problems they felt. They always ignored things. I became so mute with everyone because I grew up thinking this is how it is supposed to be.

On Sunday my mom called me into her room. She told me she thinks I'm depressed.....NO SHIT. & now she's trying to talk to my psychiatrist, she wants to come in with me...and I can't handle it. It makes my brain hurt literally. She was talking about a 30 day inpatient program for depression? That wont be useful for me.

I had breakfast this morning and I'm water fasting the rest of the day. I was 98.6 lbs when I went home last night and I wanted to throw my scale through the wall. I feel disgusting. My thighs won't fucking shrink. They stay gigantic! They jiggle and no matter what I do they wont slim down :'( I want to cut a hole so deep into my thighs I can stick a vacuum into it and suck all the fat out. It just doesn't seem possible that i'm under 100 lbs and still look pretty big. My hips down won't shrink. I can't get rid of that last belly fat. I don't know what to do!

also anyone in Southern California i'd love to talk to you! I need some friends and motivation closer to home.

85 lbs; 85 lbs; 85 lbs

all that i'm going to have replaying in my mind is 85 lbs. 

85 lbs

85 lbs

I'll get there. I'll starve. I'll fast. I'll live off water. I'll become so drained and tired I look like I'm dying. I'll hide everything and all my feelings just so you can go on and be happy with your life. I'll just sit here and pretend it's all okay as i'm withering away. 

I have bruises all over my back and legs now. I'm weak. I'm hungry. I'm full. 

I don't know how to feel.

I would give up literally anything in this entire world for these legs.