I've been having flashbacks since last night.
Landon was talking to his apt. manager for about an hour outside.
I locked myself in the bathroom climbed into the shower with my bong.
Put on music and just sat there smoking when it started....
The one that really has been nagging on my brain is the first time my mom ever found me trying to hide a razor. They got mad at me. I remember them calling me into their room. I sat down on the floor with my legs to my chest, arms around my knees. I was scared and frightened a bit. I had just recently found out what cutting can do, how it can take away that pain for a second. My mom told me to lift my pant legs, and then next my sleeves....She never saw the cuts. All she had to do was make me lift my sleeve a little higher, she would have found the cuts. She could have saved me from this before it started.
I snapped out of the flashback with my teeth so tensed together. My whole body just burning and angry at her. She should have known. She could have made everything alright. I cried for a long time afterwards. I've never been protected by my parents. They've raised me to be so independent, to never need them for anything. I'm realizing I don't know how to talk about my feelings, or what's wrong because of my parents. They never talked to me about problems they felt. They always ignored things. I became so mute with everyone because I grew up thinking this is how it is supposed to be.
On Sunday my mom called me into her room. She told me she thinks I'm depressed.....NO SHIT. & now she's trying to talk to my psychiatrist, she wants to come in with me...and I can't handle it. It makes my brain hurt literally. She was talking about a 30 day inpatient program for depression? That wont be useful for me.
I had breakfast this morning and I'm water fasting the rest of the day. I was 98.6 lbs when I went home last night and I wanted to throw my scale through the wall. I feel disgusting. My thighs won't fucking shrink. They stay gigantic! They jiggle and no matter what I do they wont slim down :'( I want to cut a hole so deep into my thighs I can stick a vacuum into it and suck all the fat out. It just doesn't seem possible that i'm under 100 lbs and still look pretty big. My hips down won't shrink. I can't get rid of that last belly fat. I don't know what to do!
also anyone in Southern California i'd love to talk to you! I need some friends and motivation closer to home.
