Skinny bitches

For once I want to feel skinny. I'm down to 106.8 lbs today. I've been drinking water, walked about 4 miles, eating so much better.

But good news! The gym I signed up for is open tomorrow!! And it's 24 hours I can't fucking weight to get my shit in check. In one month I will be fucking tiny I promise you guys. I've missed a lot of you girls on here.

Bella and lovely bones I'm going to write back to you soon. I can't go on the computer much cause it's my moms and I'm afraid she'll find my blog. That would suck. They already are noticing I'm relapsing. I shouldn't have "recovered" in the first place. I know my body can go further than I did before. There are girls taller than me that weigh in the 70s! It's mind blowing.

It's sick that they motivate me to be better than them.

Sick, Violent, Dark Swirled Shadows

I miss writing on here terribly. I miss writing comments. I miss reading about your lives. I miss feeling connected to the only people who understand my pain.

The past few days have been hell. My depression is just lingering. I can feel it under my skin, it creeps around giving me chills, causing horrible aching pain all over; yet I don't even look as if I'm depressed. I can't cry, I can't cut, I can't hit, I can't do a single thing to get rid of this feeling and these thoughts. Landon is starting to understand that I really honestly don't have a reason for being this way. Our relationship has been good. We've been happy. There hasn't been fights. Yet I sit there and look as if my world has just fallen apart, as if everyone I have ever known is gone forever. I don't know why I feel this way! I don't know why I have to keep going on. I want to die so badly you have no idea. I've never gotten to the point of holding a kitchen knife in my hand with the point digging into your chest; breathing so deeply; just wishing that you could ram the damn knife straight through your heart.....until now. I dream of downing Robitussin with codeine, a bottle of diet pills, and zoloft just to see if that could do the trick.
My mind is a sick, violent, dark swirl of a child that used to be. My heart aches all the time. It literally hurts. I hate seeing people.

What goes so wrong to someones mind that they are so severely depressed even on their brightest days? What goes so wrong that it drives someone to the point of not wanting to exist any longer? And, when did did that something go wrong in my mind? Tell me how to fix it.    Please I'm begging you. 


I'm sick to my stomach most of the time now. I want food but I know I can't. Landon sees me struggling with it. He asks me what's wrong and I tell him I wish I could eat without thinking of everything wrong with the food. He's starting to be more understanding...I feel bad that I've driven myself to this. I can't even go into the grocery store without wandering for 1 whole hour and then finally deciding on getting a damn KIWI! I fight with her more and more to eat now. I'm constantly struggling between the torture of starving or the torture of eating. & then I finally do it I want to throw it up within the next couple minutes. And I don't want to throw it up because I feel bad (which I really fucking do I hate when I let myself eat) but I want to throw up because my body feels physically sick.
I've been fighting to eat as little as possible and it's gone decently. I eat at least one bad thing a day and it kills me but I have no choice now that Landon is around all the time.
I AM OFFICIALLY UNDER 90 LBS THOUGH!!!!!!
88.0 LBS  to be exact. It gives me a BMI of 16.1. I really really want to keep it this low and hope it goes lower but fasting and restricting is so difficult when I'm always home. I need to go back to having a job so I'm not watched all the time.


Sorry for the long long post.
I miss you all so much and I really mean that.

I need more time

I wish I had time to properly write a post but work is so crazy today :(

92.4 lbs as of this morning.
My goal is to be 80 lbs by wednesday, October 17th, my birthday.
I will accomplish this.
I won't let this weekend fuck me up.

I've got this new monster though.
It completely has controlled my hunger problems.
It yells at me.
It tells me every reason why I should not put that in my mouth.
I wake up though, and this monster seems to consume my entire mind.
The urge to be violent has never been stronger.
I feel stronger in a way.
I feel unusually different.

I'm meeting with a new therapist tomorrow.
I'm nervous.
I don't like how she looks.
She gives me a bad vibe already, but my psychiatrist told me to give it a chance. He wants me seeing someone at least twice a week...
He is pretty oblivious to me not eating, but i'm afraid she'll take note of it.

Who is this?

I'm angry. I'm angry at what these pills have done to me. They give me no motivation for anything in life. Which in turns makes me do things that make me hate myself. I'm back up to 98 lbs!!! are you fucking kidding me?! It's like my mind is fighting with myself...I don't want to eat, I don't want the calories, the fat, the salt, the sugar I don't want it! but my body doesn't listen. Without even realizing it my hand is already reaching for the food and it's entering my fat foul mouth. I thought I was making progress but as I can see today that I have no. My thigh gap is almost non existent, my stomach has a giant blob sticking out, I have fat coming out of places I'd never seen before and I just want to break everything around me. I haven't ate today and I really DO NOT WANT TO. It's 3:00 PM right now and I think I'll be able to last not eating until around 11 PM tonight then I can nap at Landon's, drive home, weigh myself, go to bed....I WILL TAKE OVER THIS

I've had a lot on my mind lately though....one thing in specific that I've never even let myself comes to terms with...when I was younger I was a huge tomboy. I always played boy sports with all boy teams, I dressed in basketball shorts and tshirts, hair was combed into a ponytail every day...everyone always told me growing up I was most likely going to be lesbian, and i usually heard it mostly from my family. I never liked the idea of them being right, and judging me for it so it's always been far away in my mind. I've never found myself attracted to other girls bodies, I like how they look but they don't get me goin ya know?....but I've always found that when I do finally have "friends" that are girls I get a bit too attached...I get how I get when I have a boyfriend...wondering if they'll text me...or what they're doing and when I'm about to see them I do get a nervous feeling....I get jealous when they become better friends with another girl...and it's like with girls my entire life I've always felt awkward, nervous, and intimidated whenever I'm around any, especially girls I do not know. Guys on the other hand i'm perfectly comfortable with. I can flirt, have fun, have conversation, I don't get any anxiety unless they're like fucking GORGEOUS...but not that often to I find myself nervous meeting a guy for the first time...I've never even gotten close to finding out if I would ever have feelings towards a girl except once last year when Landon and I were at a party I got extremely drunk (reason why I do not drink anymore) and was ALL OVER this girl who was texting her boyfriend and kept trying to take her phone, we were flirting, and I almost kissed her but I don't know what happened...I don't even remember walking outside to the car...Landon always tells me I would be the one girlfriend who leaves him for another girl...I don't know what or how to feel....because honestly its been on my mind like crazy....or maybe i'm just like this towards girls because i've always had a lack of female friends?...I feel very confused, like really fucking annoyingly confused. Sex hasn't even been good lately because of this issue. I just want to wrap myself up in a bubble forever.

Unexpected

I had a breakdown last night, and I was at Landon's apartment....

I don't even exactly remember how it even started. He was getting upset because he was saying there's no reason for me to think of suicide. He wasn't yelling but I could see that he was getting tense about it. I started trying to explain and that went into my parents fault for never talking to me about things (literally they never ever ever talked to me about problems, feelings, anything). Then in went into the subject of resenting my mom for not making me lift up my sleeve further when she first saw my razors...How I just felt hurt...She could have helped me from the start so it never got this bad. & after that I just was sobbing my eyes out and I couldn't stop talking about why I was hurting so much. It's like my mind just blurting everything out because it could no longer be locked up in my head....I expected Landon to get mad, to start arguing with me about this, to just be mean....but to my surprise he didn't. He looked at me with the most hurt, and worried look in his eyes and crawled up next to me on the floor and held me...let me cry everything out...he rubbed my hair....he was being the type of guy I need...the type of support I need on a daily basis. He then started going on about how no matter how many fights we have, no matter how bad we pick at each other's flaws, no matter how many hurtful things we say to each other he will never ever leave me. He looked straight into my eyes and told me no matter what is going on between us, if I ever feel like I've gotten to that point of no return that I have to call him. He kept saying he can't lose me ever. 

But who knows how today will be. He has a day ahead of him that usually just leaves him pissed off and taking it out on me in the end....so I guess tonight will really show if he meant it. When I left for work this morning he looked at me as I left with the most worried look I've ever seen on his face...I felt bad.

I had a small binge last night...it was only an ice cream bar, and a few gummy snacks. These kind of binges always make me so starving in the morning. It seems to speed up my metabolism. 

I've begun planning my food for the weekend. I tend to eat out of control on the weekends so I've created baggies of small snacks with the calorie amount written on the bag. I've also done it with drinks as well but just measured them out back into the bottle so I can mark off how much is a cup. I'm hoping this will help control what I put into my mouth.

Thank you to all my new followers I adore all the motivation and comments <3

I've ate today a salad that couldn't have been more than 180 calories probably less than that. & just a bunch of water but I still feel sooooo thirsty. 

Still not feeling too well. Only 2 more days till my psychiatrist appointment.

oh and i used this website and it decides to tell you what % of people are skinnier than you! like jesus fucking christ this pushed me over the edge http://www.bmi.name/world-statistics.php?ln=en&h_feet=5&h_inches=2&h_cm=&gender_pound=2&age_pound=19&gender_kg=&age_kg=&bmi_kg=&bmi_pound=17.4&type=1