Skinny bitches

For once I want to feel skinny. I'm down to 106.8 lbs today. I've been drinking water, walked about 4 miles, eating so much better.

But good news! The gym I signed up for is open tomorrow!! And it's 24 hours I can't fucking weight to get my shit in check. In one month I will be fucking tiny I promise you guys. I've missed a lot of you girls on here.

Bella and lovely bones I'm going to write back to you soon. I can't go on the computer much cause it's my moms and I'm afraid she'll find my blog. That would suck. They already are noticing I'm relapsing. I shouldn't have "recovered" in the first place. I know my body can go further than I did before. There are girls taller than me that weigh in the 70s! It's mind blowing.

It's sick that they motivate me to be better than them.

Fuck, Can I become skinny already!?!!!

I've been having flashbacks since last night.
Landon was talking to his apt. manager for about an hour outside.
I locked myself in the bathroom climbed into the shower with my bong.
Put on music and just sat there smoking when it started....

The one that really has been nagging on my brain is the first time my mom ever found me trying to hide a razor. They got mad at me. I remember them calling me into their room. I sat down on the floor with my legs to my chest, arms around my knees. I was scared and frightened a bit. I had just recently found out what cutting can do, how it can take away that pain for a second. My mom told me to lift my pant legs, and then next my sleeves....She never saw the cuts. All she had to do was make me lift my sleeve a little higher, she would have found the cuts. She could have saved me from this before it started.

I snapped out of the flashback with my teeth so tensed together. My whole body just burning and angry at her. She should have known. She could have made everything alright. I cried for a long time afterwards. I've never been protected by my parents. They've raised me to be so independent, to never need them for anything. I'm realizing I don't know how to talk about my feelings, or what's wrong because of my parents. They never talked to me about problems they felt. They always ignored things. I became so mute with everyone because I grew up thinking this is how it is supposed to be.

On Sunday my mom called me into her room. She told me she thinks I'm depressed.....NO SHIT. & now she's trying to talk to my psychiatrist, she wants to come in with me...and I can't handle it. It makes my brain hurt literally. She was talking about a 30 day inpatient program for depression? That wont be useful for me.

I had breakfast this morning and I'm water fasting the rest of the day. I was 98.6 lbs when I went home last night and I wanted to throw my scale through the wall. I feel disgusting. My thighs won't fucking shrink. They stay gigantic! They jiggle and no matter what I do they wont slim down :'( I want to cut a hole so deep into my thighs I can stick a vacuum into it and suck all the fat out. It just doesn't seem possible that i'm under 100 lbs and still look pretty big. My hips down won't shrink. I can't get rid of that last belly fat. I don't know what to do!

also anyone in Southern California i'd love to talk to you! I need some friends and motivation closer to home.

85 lbs; 85 lbs; 85 lbs

all that i'm going to have replaying in my mind is 85 lbs. 

85 lbs

85 lbs

I'll get there. I'll starve. I'll fast. I'll live off water. I'll become so drained and tired I look like I'm dying. I'll hide everything and all my feelings just so you can go on and be happy with your life. I'll just sit here and pretend it's all okay as i'm withering away. 

I have bruises all over my back and legs now. I'm weak. I'm hungry. I'm full. 

I don't know how to feel.

I would give up literally anything in this entire world for these legs.

Medication at Last

you can't really see my body but my legs need to be worked on massively

I wish so badly you could have affairs with your psychologist. I just met mine saturday and OMG he is absolutely gorgeous, but somehow easy to talk to. At first he had given me a prescription for Remeron, which is a mild anti-depressant that encourages weight gain! I started reading up and people gained like 30 lbs from this!! Luckily he called me at like 8 pm last to discuss other options he had in mind. He told me he was discussing my case with some of his colleagues and they all decided that a combination of Lexapro and Trazodone would be the best for me. And for the next 30 minutes he just sat on the phone with me talking about how my day was and how I was feeling. It was nice, just seemed odd he'd call me so late at night. I took the first dose of both of them last night but since I had work early in the morning I only half of the trazodone. I took the Lexapro about 20 minutes before the Trazodone and my heart was pounding from it I got nervous and jittery, then I took the Trazodone and since that one is supposed to knock me out the two meds started having like a battle. I couldnt even sit up without feeling this weird feeling. It wasn't bad it was more of a good dizzy? I don't know how to explain it but it made me feel nice for a short amount of time until my stomach started cramping and hurting. Waking up this morning was kind of hard because of the pills and I've been having bursts of anger throughout the day. My arms feel very tense like I need to hit something. The psychologist said that I have problems surrounding me from all over. That I have stress coming in from every single angle of my life. He says my daydreams are passive aggressive suicidal thoughts that need to be taken seriously. I already knew that.....

Other than that I went hiking on Friday but it soon turned to shit when Landon started another useless fight that he has no business even saying shit about. I don't even like being around him anymore. Last week we "broke up" again and honestly I wasn't even upset I was looking forward to being alone, quitting my job, not eating, becoming skinny, going to school, you know shit that FOCUSES ON ME FOR ONCE!

Anyways just forget about this stupid ramble nonsense bullshit. Fuck. At least I have the sources to completely OD when I feel like I really can't fucking take anything anymore.

& I've been really wanting to start a new blog just about random shit and people that I like, but honestly I barely have the time to update this blog? how can I even begin to think about starting a new one as well? ugh fuck me and the little time I have for shit other than a controlling, psychotic, freak of a boyfriend that literally NEVER STOPS FUCKING TALKING!.