Skinny bitches

For once I want to feel skinny. I'm down to 106.8 lbs today. I've been drinking water, walked about 4 miles, eating so much better.

But good news! The gym I signed up for is open tomorrow!! And it's 24 hours I can't fucking weight to get my shit in check. In one month I will be fucking tiny I promise you guys. I've missed a lot of you girls on here.

Bella and lovely bones I'm going to write back to you soon. I can't go on the computer much cause it's my moms and I'm afraid she'll find my blog. That would suck. They already are noticing I'm relapsing. I shouldn't have "recovered" in the first place. I know my body can go further than I did before. There are girls taller than me that weigh in the 70s! It's mind blowing.

It's sick that they motivate me to be better than them.

Fuck, Can I become skinny already!?!!!

I've been having flashbacks since last night.
Landon was talking to his apt. manager for about an hour outside.
I locked myself in the bathroom climbed into the shower with my bong.
Put on music and just sat there smoking when it started....

The one that really has been nagging on my brain is the first time my mom ever found me trying to hide a razor. They got mad at me. I remember them calling me into their room. I sat down on the floor with my legs to my chest, arms around my knees. I was scared and frightened a bit. I had just recently found out what cutting can do, how it can take away that pain for a second. My mom told me to lift my pant legs, and then next my sleeves....She never saw the cuts. All she had to do was make me lift my sleeve a little higher, she would have found the cuts. She could have saved me from this before it started.

I snapped out of the flashback with my teeth so tensed together. My whole body just burning and angry at her. She should have known. She could have made everything alright. I cried for a long time afterwards. I've never been protected by my parents. They've raised me to be so independent, to never need them for anything. I'm realizing I don't know how to talk about my feelings, or what's wrong because of my parents. They never talked to me about problems they felt. They always ignored things. I became so mute with everyone because I grew up thinking this is how it is supposed to be.

On Sunday my mom called me into her room. She told me she thinks I'm depressed.....NO SHIT. & now she's trying to talk to my psychiatrist, she wants to come in with me...and I can't handle it. It makes my brain hurt literally. She was talking about a 30 day inpatient program for depression? That wont be useful for me.

I had breakfast this morning and I'm water fasting the rest of the day. I was 98.6 lbs when I went home last night and I wanted to throw my scale through the wall. I feel disgusting. My thighs won't fucking shrink. They stay gigantic! They jiggle and no matter what I do they wont slim down :'( I want to cut a hole so deep into my thighs I can stick a vacuum into it and suck all the fat out. It just doesn't seem possible that i'm under 100 lbs and still look pretty big. My hips down won't shrink. I can't get rid of that last belly fat. I don't know what to do!

also anyone in Southern California i'd love to talk to you! I need some friends and motivation closer to home.

Lovely ♥

I don’t know what it is about me, I don’t know what it is about my life… but it never fails to bring endless chaos. I try to be normal, I try to keep everything peaceful and calm.. but it’s almost as if I’m not allowed. When will everything, if only for a little while, go my way for once. 

Just once. That would be nice. 

Sometimes I tell or show people my scars. Some would call this attention seeking and you know what, they’re right. But after so many years of feeling so invaluable, invisible and tortured… I’m pretty sure I fucking more than deserve that attention! 

“Respect yourself, put down the fork.”

This is forever. I will do whatever it takes. I want to be thin more than anything, even food... 

One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure clear shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up. 

ou will be tempted quite frequently, and you will have to choose whether you shall enjoy the twenty minutes or so that you will be consuming excess calories, or whether you
will cordially despise yourself for two or three days, for your lack of willpower. 

It's simple: You decide once and for all that you aren't going to eat, and then there is no further decision to make. 

When I wake, I'm empty, light, light-headed. I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food's only interest lies in how little I need, how
strong I am, how well I can resist, each time achieving another small victory of the will. 

Like a plant, surely the body can be trained to exist on nothing, to take it's nourishment from the air. 

When you coast without eating for a significant period of time, and you are still alive, you begin to scoff at those fools who believe they must eat to live. It is blatantly obvious to you that this is not true. 

We turn skeletons into goddesses, and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. 

You've made a decision: you will NOT stop. The pain is neccessary, especially the pain of hunger. It reassures you that you are strong, can withstand anything. 

You can learn to love anything, I think, if you need to badly enough. I trained myself to enjoy feeling hungry. If my stomach contracts, or I wake up feeling nauseated, or I'm light-headed or have a hunger headache, or better yet, all of the above, it means I'm getting thinner, so it feels good. I feel strong, on top of myself, in control. 

In the body, as a sculpture, perfection is attained not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

What the scale says is the most important thing.

Being thin and not eating are signs of true willpower and success.

Every time I have the opportunity to eat, I have the strength to refuse.

Giving in to food shows weakness, be strong and you will be better than everyone else.

Nothing seems to be, nothing tastes as sweet
As what I can't have

Failure is taking the path that everyone else does, sucess is making your own path.

Empty is pure. Starving is pure.

You've made a decision: you wont stop. The pain is necessary, especially the pain of hunger. It reassures you that you are STRONG, can withstand anything, that you are NOT a slave to your body, that you don't have to give in to it's whining.

For me, foods only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist each bite. Acheiving another small victory of the will. Each gain makes me stronger, purer, larger in my excersizes of power, until eventually I see no reason to eat at all.

I do eat: only what is needed for survival. I can't help it that we live in a piggish society where gluttony is the norn, and everyone else is constantly stuffing themselves.

Procrastination is like masturbation. At first it feels good, but in the end you're only screwing yourself.

Life's problems wouldn't be called "hurdles" if there wasn't a way to get over them.

If I gain weight, I get anxious and depressed.

Quod me netruit, me destruit.

A flat stomach is nice, but a concave one is perfect.

Food is the drug we all must quit

No Food Will Enter This Mouth of Mine

my fucking goal to look just like this! This girl makees me want to fucking kill myself.