Who is this?

I'm angry. I'm angry at what these pills have done to me. They give me no motivation for anything in life. Which in turns makes me do things that make me hate myself. I'm back up to 98 lbs!!! are you fucking kidding me?! It's like my mind is fighting with myself...I don't want to eat, I don't want the calories, the fat, the salt, the sugar I don't want it! but my body doesn't listen. Without even realizing it my hand is already reaching for the food and it's entering my fat foul mouth. I thought I was making progress but as I can see today that I have no. My thigh gap is almost non existent, my stomach has a giant blob sticking out, I have fat coming out of places I'd never seen before and I just want to break everything around me. I haven't ate today and I really DO NOT WANT TO. It's 3:00 PM right now and I think I'll be able to last not eating until around 11 PM tonight then I can nap at Landon's, drive home, weigh myself, go to bed....I WILL TAKE OVER THIS

I've had a lot on my mind lately though....one thing in specific that I've never even let myself comes to terms with...when I was younger I was a huge tomboy. I always played boy sports with all boy teams, I dressed in basketball shorts and tshirts, hair was combed into a ponytail every day...everyone always told me growing up I was most likely going to be lesbian, and i usually heard it mostly from my family. I never liked the idea of them being right, and judging me for it so it's always been far away in my mind. I've never found myself attracted to other girls bodies, I like how they look but they don't get me goin ya know?....but I've always found that when I do finally have "friends" that are girls I get a bit too attached...I get how I get when I have a boyfriend...wondering if they'll text me...or what they're doing and when I'm about to see them I do get a nervous feeling....I get jealous when they become better friends with another girl...and it's like with girls my entire life I've always felt awkward, nervous, and intimidated whenever I'm around any, especially girls I do not know. Guys on the other hand i'm perfectly comfortable with. I can flirt, have fun, have conversation, I don't get any anxiety unless they're like fucking GORGEOUS...but not that often to I find myself nervous meeting a guy for the first time...I've never even gotten close to finding out if I would ever have feelings towards a girl except once last year when Landon and I were at a party I got extremely drunk (reason why I do not drink anymore) and was ALL OVER this girl who was texting her boyfriend and kept trying to take her phone, we were flirting, and I almost kissed her but I don't know what happened...I don't even remember walking outside to the car...Landon always tells me I would be the one girlfriend who leaves him for another girl...I don't know what or how to feel....because honestly its been on my mind like crazy....or maybe i'm just like this towards girls because i've always had a lack of female friends?...I feel very confused, like really fucking annoyingly confused. Sex hasn't even been good lately because of this issue. I just want to wrap myself up in a bubble forever.

FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
SERIOUSLY I'M GOING TO LOSE IT TONIGHT.
I'm at a point where I can't stand anyone at all.
I see myself in a mirror and I want to throw something at my reflection.
My family, my boyfriend I'm just so fucking tired and done with it all the contradictions, the lies.

I'm just really fucking frustrated I want to throw my head into a concrete wall.

Tonight will be interesting one with Landon. I just get that feeling in my chest when a big fight will happen and  I'm already getting that feeling & I still have 2 more hours till I see him. Fuck him. I have to deal with reality and everyday misery while he sits back and sleeps till noon or later & then barely fucking acknowledge that I'm even breathing or having a bad day at work. I just want to go to bed early but I wont be able to cause then he goes on how lazy, boring, least spontaneous person ever......Yet he's the one who goes to bed at 3 am wake ups at noon, goes to hookah, eats, goes home, smokes weed and it just replays over and over every god damn day. While I get to go to bed at like 1:30 am wake up on and off throughout the night, wake up at 7 am for work, work for 9 fucking hours, go home, go be his fucking slave.....& I'm the lazy one!? FUCK


Anyways some good news Kate Moss has a Coloring Book Called Kate Moss Color Me Good and I've found most the pages online so I'll post them for anyone who wants to print them out and pass a little bit of time.

& I needed some motivation since my FATNESS decided to gain weight....FUCK ME

just for fun <3

Unexpected

I had a breakdown last night, and I was at Landon's apartment....

I don't even exactly remember how it even started. He was getting upset because he was saying there's no reason for me to think of suicide. He wasn't yelling but I could see that he was getting tense about it. I started trying to explain and that went into my parents fault for never talking to me about things (literally they never ever ever talked to me about problems, feelings, anything). Then in went into the subject of resenting my mom for not making me lift up my sleeve further when she first saw my razors...How I just felt hurt...She could have helped me from the start so it never got this bad. & after that I just was sobbing my eyes out and I couldn't stop talking about why I was hurting so much. It's like my mind just blurting everything out because it could no longer be locked up in my head....I expected Landon to get mad, to start arguing with me about this, to just be mean....but to my surprise he didn't. He looked at me with the most hurt, and worried look in his eyes and crawled up next to me on the floor and held me...let me cry everything out...he rubbed my hair....he was being the type of guy I need...the type of support I need on a daily basis. He then started going on about how no matter how many fights we have, no matter how bad we pick at each other's flaws, no matter how many hurtful things we say to each other he will never ever leave me. He looked straight into my eyes and told me no matter what is going on between us, if I ever feel like I've gotten to that point of no return that I have to call him. He kept saying he can't lose me ever. 

But who knows how today will be. He has a day ahead of him that usually just leaves him pissed off and taking it out on me in the end....so I guess tonight will really show if he meant it. When I left for work this morning he looked at me as I left with the most worried look I've ever seen on his face...I felt bad.

I had a small binge last night...it was only an ice cream bar, and a few gummy snacks. These kind of binges always make me so starving in the morning. It seems to speed up my metabolism. 

I've begun planning my food for the weekend. I tend to eat out of control on the weekends so I've created baggies of small snacks with the calorie amount written on the bag. I've also done it with drinks as well but just measured them out back into the bottle so I can mark off how much is a cup. I'm hoping this will help control what I put into my mouth.

Thank you to all my new followers I adore all the motivation and comments <3

I've ate today a salad that couldn't have been more than 180 calories probably less than that. & just a bunch of water but I still feel sooooo thirsty. 

Still not feeling too well. Only 2 more days till my psychiatrist appointment.

oh and i used this website and it decides to tell you what % of people are skinnier than you! like jesus fucking christ this pushed me over the edge http://www.bmi.name/world-statistics.php?ln=en&h_feet=5&h_inches=2&h_cm=&gender_pound=2&age_pound=19&gender_kg=&age_kg=&bmi_kg=&bmi_pound=17.4&type=1