Skinny bitches

For once I want to feel skinny. I'm down to 106.8 lbs today. I've been drinking water, walked about 4 miles, eating so much better.

But good news! The gym I signed up for is open tomorrow!! And it's 24 hours I can't fucking weight to get my shit in check. In one month I will be fucking tiny I promise you guys. I've missed a lot of you girls on here.

Bella and lovely bones I'm going to write back to you soon. I can't go on the computer much cause it's my moms and I'm afraid she'll find my blog. That would suck. They already are noticing I'm relapsing. I shouldn't have "recovered" in the first place. I know my body can go further than I did before. There are girls taller than me that weigh in the 70s! It's mind blowing.

It's sick that they motivate me to be better than them.

I need more time

I wish I had time to properly write a post but work is so crazy today :(

92.4 lbs as of this morning.
My goal is to be 80 lbs by wednesday, October 17th, my birthday.
I will accomplish this.
I won't let this weekend fuck me up.

I've got this new monster though.
It completely has controlled my hunger problems.
It yells at me.
It tells me every reason why I should not put that in my mouth.
I wake up though, and this monster seems to consume my entire mind.
The urge to be violent has never been stronger.
I feel stronger in a way.
I feel unusually different.

I'm meeting with a new therapist tomorrow.
I'm nervous.
I don't like how she looks.
She gives me a bad vibe already, but my psychiatrist told me to give it a chance. He wants me seeing someone at least twice a week...
He is pretty oblivious to me not eating, but i'm afraid she'll take note of it.

FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
SERIOUSLY I'M GOING TO LOSE IT TONIGHT.
I'm at a point where I can't stand anyone at all.
I see myself in a mirror and I want to throw something at my reflection.
My family, my boyfriend I'm just so fucking tired and done with it all the contradictions, the lies.

I'm just really fucking frustrated I want to throw my head into a concrete wall.

Tonight will be interesting one with Landon. I just get that feeling in my chest when a big fight will happen and  I'm already getting that feeling & I still have 2 more hours till I see him. Fuck him. I have to deal with reality and everyday misery while he sits back and sleeps till noon or later & then barely fucking acknowledge that I'm even breathing or having a bad day at work. I just want to go to bed early but I wont be able to cause then he goes on how lazy, boring, least spontaneous person ever......Yet he's the one who goes to bed at 3 am wake ups at noon, goes to hookah, eats, goes home, smokes weed and it just replays over and over every god damn day. While I get to go to bed at like 1:30 am wake up on and off throughout the night, wake up at 7 am for work, work for 9 fucking hours, go home, go be his fucking slave.....& I'm the lazy one!? FUCK


Anyways some good news Kate Moss has a Coloring Book Called Kate Moss Color Me Good and I've found most the pages online so I'll post them for anyone who wants to print them out and pass a little bit of time.

& I needed some motivation since my FATNESS decided to gain weight....FUCK ME

just for fun <3

Unexpected

I had a breakdown last night, and I was at Landon's apartment....

I don't even exactly remember how it even started. He was getting upset because he was saying there's no reason for me to think of suicide. He wasn't yelling but I could see that he was getting tense about it. I started trying to explain and that went into my parents fault for never talking to me about things (literally they never ever ever talked to me about problems, feelings, anything). Then in went into the subject of resenting my mom for not making me lift up my sleeve further when she first saw my razors...How I just felt hurt...She could have helped me from the start so it never got this bad. & after that I just was sobbing my eyes out and I couldn't stop talking about why I was hurting so much. It's like my mind just blurting everything out because it could no longer be locked up in my head....I expected Landon to get mad, to start arguing with me about this, to just be mean....but to my surprise he didn't. He looked at me with the most hurt, and worried look in his eyes and crawled up next to me on the floor and held me...let me cry everything out...he rubbed my hair....he was being the type of guy I need...the type of support I need on a daily basis. He then started going on about how no matter how many fights we have, no matter how bad we pick at each other's flaws, no matter how many hurtful things we say to each other he will never ever leave me. He looked straight into my eyes and told me no matter what is going on between us, if I ever feel like I've gotten to that point of no return that I have to call him. He kept saying he can't lose me ever. 

But who knows how today will be. He has a day ahead of him that usually just leaves him pissed off and taking it out on me in the end....so I guess tonight will really show if he meant it. When I left for work this morning he looked at me as I left with the most worried look I've ever seen on his face...I felt bad.

I had a small binge last night...it was only an ice cream bar, and a few gummy snacks. These kind of binges always make me so starving in the morning. It seems to speed up my metabolism. 

I've begun planning my food for the weekend. I tend to eat out of control on the weekends so I've created baggies of small snacks with the calorie amount written on the bag. I've also done it with drinks as well but just measured them out back into the bottle so I can mark off how much is a cup. I'm hoping this will help control what I put into my mouth.

Thank you to all my new followers I adore all the motivation and comments <3

I've ate today a salad that couldn't have been more than 180 calories probably less than that. & just a bunch of water but I still feel sooooo thirsty. 

Still not feeling too well. Only 2 more days till my psychiatrist appointment.

oh and i used this website and it decides to tell you what % of people are skinnier than you! like jesus fucking christ this pushed me over the edge http://www.bmi.name/world-statistics.php?ln=en&h_feet=5&h_inches=2&h_cm=&gender_pound=2&age_pound=19&gender_kg=&age_kg=&bmi_kg=&bmi_pound=17.4&type=1