Same Old Bullshit

Sitting in the movie theaters waiting for Men In Black 3 to come on. A 3-D preview comes up on screen, I look at my ticket and it says "MEN IN BLACK 3-D". Landon gets up without me asking him to, and goes to get 3-D glasses. I check my phone nothing, so I put it on silent. The movie starts, Landon walks back in. He's mad. I didn't see a text he sent me asking if the movie started in 3-D so "I wasted his time". I already know he's going to be in one of his moods. He seems to cool down during the movie, but halfway home he starts again. He tells me he's still irritated with me that I didn't tell him the movie started. I'm apparently retarded because "I worked in a movie theater and tickets haven't changed in years". Which I pointed out was wrong because only a year ago they changed tickets because theaters stopped using film rolls to play movies, they went all digital. And of course "I was being a smart ass"...Sometimes he reminds me of Danny Devito in the movie Matilda. We get to his apartment and he's talking down to me again. Telling me everything that I've ever done wrong like I haven't heard it from him a million times. How I lie about everything, even though I haven't been lying to him about anything. He's tired of my small lies to my parents and he doesn't understand how hard it is to just tell the truth. He shouldn't even be talking he's lied so much to me this entire relationship, even if it was just things like living in Ireland, or still being sick, I don't call him out on it. Landon is one of those guys where he's always had to have done something just like the story you're telling but it always has to be a better story than yours. It could be like "I just cut my knee open on a rock" his would be "Well, I just cut open my whole leg on a boulder while rock climbing in Jamaica"..yeah some bullshit like that. Anyways, he keeps yelling for an hour, telling me if I even start to cry that I have to leave his apartment. Then, then he says it "I don't know why you're even here. What's the point of you being alive? Why don't you just die?"....Aren't those just the best words to hear from the one person you have in your life, that you care about more than anything. I could have died in that moment. I wanted to more than anything. I could see in his face as soon as he said it, he knew what he said, and he knew it wasn't right. I just curled up and couldn't think. I couldn't move.  It's been stuck in my brain, fried into every single thought I've had since then.

He took me out this weekend. We went to the Natural History Museum, Butterfly Pavilion, Rose Garden, Science Center, China Town. He bought me lunch, a necklace, and a bamboo plant. He said we did so much this weekend because he wanted us to have fun. I knew that was a lie. He wanted to kiss my ass for what he said. Yesterday I asked him, and he admitted it. He said it was him sucking up because he's been an asshole lately. Then he says "but no matter how much of an asshole I am you still stay so?"....that really made me think.

He's been noticing my weight too much though. I'm 105 today, and last night he randomly asked me how much I weighed and I just told him I don't know I haven't checked recently. He asked how many calories I've been consuming because he knows I try to keep track. He guess 800 calories a day, not even close. I don't even like to get passed 200 calories, but I told him I haven't been counting as much just eating less bad foods. He started going on how he can clearly see my spine now, and my shoulder blades and if I keep going he's going to admit me...I asked where and why?...he said into a hospital for anorexia. He can be so over-dramatic all the time. He's tired of seeing me only eating fruit. I think this is so dumb, because he's always there when I binge. He's the reason I binge so badly but he still says I don't eat.

I'm so numb all the time now though. I don't even enjoy anything about him or life anymore.

I think from now on i'm going to stop writing about my self-loathing cause I don't talk to anyone about it anyways. I just vent it all out, but never feel better. I wish therapy would work for me. So from now only be blogging about my intakes.

yesterday went well all i had was 1/3 cup edamame, 1 kiwi, 2 pineapple spears, 2 cherries, 1/2 banana, 1/2 peach , 1/2 cup chicken breast, 1/4 cup corn, 8 cups of water

today i'm planning on keeping it similar probably or hopefully less. I'm going to take a diet pill early and more often today so I can stay full.

Insecure as Always

fuck, fucking insecurities. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling loved from Landon one second and then two seconds later I see a girl we both know who he always seems to like and I'm back into complete shit mode. Why does he feel the need to keep playing these games, leading me on, making me feel like i'm worth something at times?? He eventually just tells me how much he hates me when we get into a fight. I'm not pretty enough. I don't have enough tattoos. My tattoos I do have aren't even nice, they look pathetic like i'm trying too hard to be soemthing, or anything....I really just want to fucking kill myself. I've had dreams of it the past few nights. I keep having dreams of putting a gun to different areas so i'll die....I want that so badly right now. I'm not living for anything. There's no reason for me to be here. I just take up oxygen, food, space, and time......I think when i die i'll be cremated so that way my body doesn't use more space on this earth than it needs to.


He's lying to you. He doesn't love you. That kiss was fake. When he fucks you he's thinking of other girls who look and are better than you. You're still around just because he will be alone without you.
That's what repeats in my head all the time now.


I know that those girls would go insane being his girlfriend because he is controlling and really hard to be with, but it hurts....it hurts to know that he wants to know what it's like to be with them. With a pretty girl, a tall girl, a skinny girl, a real girl....not someone who doesn't even function like she's even alive. WHATS SO FUCKING WRONG WITH ME! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. I can't take this anymore.




Bye 


i love you guys...

Heavy

I ATE HORRIBLY YESTERDAY!
ugh i swear my days off, and my weekend totally fuck up my eating plans.
Woke up Landon had to go to the dentist and I was going to go to target to go shopping, but he didn't leave his house key so I couldn't leave it unlocked. I had a bunch of tortilla chips, pita chips, 3 pieces of bacon pizza, nerds rope candy, 3 milano cookies, and 2 crusts of landons pizza....what is wrong with me?! this was mostly all in the evening time too :(

Today though has been better. I've had some oats with blueberries and strawberries for breakfast along with green mint tea and for lunch I went grocery shopping and I bought a bunch of stuff and i prepared 3 spears of pineapple, edmame, and cherries for lunch.

I ended up not caring how little money I had in the bank because I figured i'd rather spend more many on food I should be eating this weekend instead of spending less money on food I really do not need in my body.

I bought:
strawberries, cherries, pineapple, grapefruit, apricots, lentils, soups, lettuce, edmame, cucumbers, grapes, raspberries, egg whites, turkey, whole wheat tortillas

I plan on this being the only source of food until monday. I really need to stop eating really really well for 2 days and then the 3rd day I completely fuck it up. I'm still 104 but it's killing me....





There's one thing on my mind thats making me really insane. My cousin, the one who made me touch her when I was younger is now 11 weeks pregnant, and getting married next week....I don't feel right about this. It makes me upset and worried. She doesn't deserve a child.



No one cares anyways.

fuck

INTAKE: mixed fruit (blueberries, pomegranate, cherries), 2\3 bbq "chicken" salad (320 calories for the entire salad so idk how many calories I actually consumed...probably around 230 or so), green mint tea

I was in a decent mood today until about 20 minutes ago.....I seriously fucking hate my job, the people here. I've been blamed, abused, harassed, screamed at all day at work.

Yesterday Landon says that he loves me more than anyone he's ever loved.....that i'm the girl version of him. I don't know if I really want to be classified as a girl version of him. Not many people like him...and he's kinda crazy....but I guess I've already gotten to that point. I was fine until I saw on facebook this girl that works at the dispensary we go to got a new tattoo. Landon swears he doesnt like her like that but he has her number, her address, her instagram, her facebook....it's like how am i supposed to feel after all that?? I can't compare to her. She's tall, gorgeous face, always does her makeup pretty, always dresses really nice, does her hair perfect, she's funny, loud, outgoing, enthusiastic...and his age.....Landon doesn't even like me....he likes the idea of having someone around, and the sex....He has told me my personality sucks, that i tell stories bad, that i'm lazy, boring, in-spontaneous, gross, whore, slut, fucker....can't even remember the rest but trust me there is a whole years worth i could say.

I'm nothing.
These moods don't even make me want to binge, it makes me feel sadder and with more of a need to starve.

so much for thinking things could look brighter.

Escondido Falls, Malibu CA

 Saturday I went for a 12 mile hiking trip with Landon and it was absolutely wonderful. It was peaceful, relaxing, breathtaking. I can't wait to explore more.

Eating has been okay this weekend mostly fruits.
Yesterday I binged a bit but I still weight 105 lbs...
today has been FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT FRUIT! and green mint tea <3 having a salad for dinner

wish me luck on the numbers dropping tomorrow morning

I will write a better post tomorrow but for today i'm actually feeling OKAY.

It's Beginning To Get To Me

Basically I'm failing at life.

Tuesday 6/13 Intake: Plum (30), Salad (120), Dressing (35) = 165 calories
Wednesday 6/14 Intake: 3 pieces of pizza with bacon, and extra cheese (928), ice cream (28), coke(146) = 1,101 - fuck me........this was almost all one meal after 5 pm.


I slept most of the day Wednesday, woke up around 12 pm went back to sleep and woke up around 4pm my heart was immediately the second i woke up I was dizzy my vision would turn white or all black and fuzzy and it stayed that way the entire night. Then I went into a panic attack right before I tried to go back to sleep for the night. Wasn't a fun day.


Today though I bought a new long skirt cause all of my pants have become gigantic on me. Everyone says that the skirt makes me look incredibly "too" skinny. I can't be "too" skinny. I also bought a shirt and it was a children's size (L). That made me feel pretty good.


Landon was in a good mood yeesterday so he was very loving to me. I still think its fake.

mumble & blurt

I don't have much to say today.
I think Landon is cheating. I have no trust in anyone anymore.
I've started ABC Diet so far so good.
Yesterday I had half a banana and a couple strawberries.
Today 1 plum, half a salad, 5 cups of water, 2 cups of green tea.
Wish I could be exercising right now cause my stomach is growling. But I guess i'll just have to draw to take my mind off of food.

Any suggestions for drawing ideas? I'm open to anything.

&& here's thinspo

Dream

Basically life has been shit since Thursday. 

I've been more secluded, alone, paranoid, afraid, worried than ever before.

I feel like Landon is using me just because he has no one else, and he's afraid of what I'll do to myself.

I argue with myself a lot now, rant inside my head, without even really thinking about it I told myself that I wanted to die, I was sick of it. That was the first time I said it without having something behind it fueling it fresh.

I was feeling decent until one night at Landon's he was sitting there telling me everything he loved about me and then he just about says "I love your personality" but then he says "well actually that's something you could work on".....not making it a joke nothing he was dead serious.....like seriously how could he say that to me especially when he knows how I handle things like that now.....I'm not a bitchy or mean person. I do everything for him literally everything, when he needs something from the other room I GO GET IT. It hurts.

I didn't go to the therapist and my anxiety hasn't been as bad. I'm trying to get into a psychologist but my mom is taking forever about the appointment.

Starting the ABC Diet tomorrow but a slightly more difficult version. I printed out on a list my calorie goals for each day and a log sheet so I can really keep track. I've only had half a banana today so, so far lookin good.

I've been imaging lately a lot about what it feels like to people who finally get the courage they needed to commit suicide.....Like people who jump off cliffs what is going on in their minds when they fall?? Are they scared? Worried? Happy? Relieved? I feel like it would be such a weight lifted off my chest to just leap off a cliff and realize Hey I finally did this, I won't have to deal with anything ever again. I'd be relieved. 

Eat Healthy on a Low Budget

found this interesting

What is Healthy Food? Before we start, let’s define healthy food. It consists of:

• Protein. The building blocks of muscles, needed for strength.
• Fat. A balanced intake of omega 3, 6 & 9.
• Veggies. All kinds, especially green fibrous veggies.
• Fruit. Full of vitamins.
• Water. 1 liter per 1000 calories you expend.
• Whole grain food. Oats, rice, pasta, breads, …

On with the tips.

1. Switch to Water. I drank huge amounts of soda daily for more than 15 years. Then I startedStrength Training and switched to water:

• It’s healthier
• It’s cheaper

Quit the soda & drink water. Take a bottle wherever you go.

2. Consume Tap Water. Check the price of water on your tap water bill. Now check the price of bottled water. Quit a difference, isn’t it? So why are you buying bottled water?

• Cleaner? Not necessarily.
• Better taste? No, simply a matter of Adaptation.

Bottled water companies get their supply from the same source you do: municipal water systems. It’s like selling ice to Eskimos. If you don’t trust the quality of tap water, filter it yourself. I use aBrita Pitcher. One $7 filter cleans 40 gallons water.

3. Eat Eggs. I always have eggs at breakfast:

• Full of vitamins
• High in proteins
• Low in price

Don’t believe the Eggs & Cholesterol myth. Dietary cholesterol is not bound to blood cholesterol. Want to make it cheaper? Buy a chicken.

4. Eat Fatty Meats. Fatty meats are cheaper & more tasty than lean meats. You think it’s not healthy? Check the Fat Myths:

• Fat doesn’t make you fat, excess calories do
• You need a balanced intake of fats: omega 3, 6 & 9

I’m on the Anabolic Diet, I buy beef chuck instead of sirloin.

5. Get Whey. The cheapest source of protein. 70$ for a 10lbs bag lasting 4 months. Nothing beats that. Use whey in your Post Workout Shake to help recovery.

6. Tuna Cans. Canned tuna is cheap & contains as much protein as meat. Alternate tuna with eggs, meat & whey. You’ll easily get to your daily amount of protein.

7. Buy Frozen Veggies. I mostly buy frozen veggies:

• Take less time to prepare
• You don’t waste money if not eaten in time
• Can be bought in bulk for discounts & stored in your freezer

If you can afford fresh veggies, then do it. I go frozen.

8. Use a Multivitamin. Pesticides lower the vitamin levels of your fruits & veggies. Two solutions:

• Buy organic food. Expensive.
• Use a multivitamin. $10 a month.

Choose what fits your wallet best. I take the multivitamin.

9. Fish Oil. Omega-3 is found in fish oil. Benefits of omega-3 consumption include:

• Lowered cholesterol levels
• Decreased body fat
• Reduced inflammation

You need to eat fatty fish 3 times a week to get these benefits. Time consuming & expensive, I know. Try Carlson‘s Liquid Fish Oil with Lemon flavor. One teaspoon daily. You’ll be ok.

10. Buy Generic Food. The box might be less attractive, it’s certainly more attractive to your wallet. Brand-name food will always be more expensive. You’re paying for the name. Get real. Food is food. Go generic.

11. Buy in Bulk. Think long-term. Buying in bulk is more expensive at the cashier, but cheaper in the long run:

• Gets you discounts
• Saves time
• Saves car fuel

Invest in a big freezer. Buy meats & veggies in bulk and freeze them.

12. Go to One Grocery Store. This grocery store is cheaper for meat, that grocery store is cheaper for veggies, the other grocery store is cheaper for fish… How many grocery stores are you going to, trying to find the cheapest food? Think!

• Time is money. Stop losing a day shopping.
• Cars don’t run on water. Lower your fuel expenses.

I get all my food in a big grocery store near my place. It hasn’t the cheapest price for all foods, but it saves me time & fuel.

13. Make a Plan. A classic, but worth repeating. Everything starts with a plan.

• Make a list of what you need
• Eat a solid meal, don’t go hungry
• Go the grocery, get what’s on your list & get out

No need to take your partner or kids with you. This is not a recreational activity. Just get your food & get back home.

14. Take Food To Work. Ever counted how much money you throw away buying food at work daily? Start preparing your food for the day on waking up:

• Get up earlier
• Eat a solid breakfast (like Scrambled Eggs)
• Prepare your food for work in the meanwhile

Total time 30 minutes. No stress during the day about what you’ll be eating & you get healthy food while sparing money.

15. Eat Less. This one is obvious. The less you eat, the lower your grocery bill. If you’re overweight, get on a diet. Your health & bank account will thank you.

16. Don’t Buy Junk Food. The last one. Stop buying anything that comes out of a box, it’s:

• Unhealthy
• Expensive

If you actually find junk food that is cheaper than whole food, think long-term. Health implications.

who's the fat ass? I am

Eating has been bad.

I feel disgusting and bloated.

I only ate fruit for 2 days just so I could eat shitty fast food.

I'm so disappointed in myself.

Last night Sonic's : 1240 calories ONE MEAL!

Today Arby's : 500 calories ONE MEAL!

I think i'll starve for the next week.

back up to 107 lbs how is that possible?

Yesterday, Inspiration, Update, Thinspo

Yesterday all I ate was fruit, fruit, fruit, fruit, fruit, and almost 2 liters of water. I have my drug test today so i've been trying to detox and sweat it out. I was wearing yoga pants, sweats, tank top, long sleeve, and then a hoodie, let's just say I was completely dying! Then I had a very good work out I don't think I've ever sweat so much in my life it felt good. I bought this Ab Roller crap but I dont know how it works because it just makes my back really hurt whenever I use it. From eating only fruit and water though I woke up wanting to throw up everywhere it was horrible. BUT I WEIGH 104.0 lbs!




1. You will be FAT if you eat today. Just put it off one more day.
2. You don’t NEED food.
3. Fat people can’t fit everywhere.
4. Guys will be able to pick you up without struggling.
5. You’ll be able to run faster without all that extra weight holding you back.
6. People will remember you as the ‘beautiful thin one.’
7. If someone has to describe you, they’ll say, ‘oh, she weighs like 100, 110 lbs.’
8. Guys will want to get to know you, not laugh at you and walk away.
9. Starving is an example of excellent willpower.
10. You will be able to see your beautiful, beautiful bones.
11. Bones are clean and pure. Fat is dirty and hangs on your bones like a parasite.
12. If you eat, you’ll look like those disgusting, fat, ghetto and trailer-trash hookers on Jerry Springer.
13. The models that everyone claim are beautiful, the spitting image of perfection, are any of them fat? … NO….
14. Too many people in America are obese.
15. People who eat are selfish and unrealistic.
16. Only fat people are attracted to fat people. Do you want pigs to like you because you are one of them?
17. Anyone can have ‘inner beauty,’ but few can earn real beauty, inside as well as out.
18. You’ll be able to move as quietly and skillfully as a spider.
19. Only thin people are graceful.
20. If you slap a fat person, you can see a shockwave ripple over their skin. That’s disgusting.
21. Do you want people to say, ‘For god’s sake get off of me, you’re crushing me; I can’t breathe!’ or ‘You are soo light.’ ????
22. Underweight, a.k.a. perfect body.
23. Ballerina? Or beanbag?
24. I want to be light enough so a helium balloon could lift me and carry me to the clouds…like in my reoccurring dream :) I love that dream.
25. I want to walk in the snow and leave no footprints.
26. Starve off the parts you don’t need. They’re ugly and drag you down.
27. Nothing can’t be fixed with hunger and weightloss.
28. Saying ‘No, thanks,’ to food is saying ‘Yes, please,’ to THIN!
29. Fat people are so huge, people see through them and it’s like they don’t exist.
30. The only time people notice a fat person is when they get in the way of that beautiful thin girl walking by. (I know that one sounds horrible)(Oh well)
31. Have you ever seen a person NOT notice a walking skeleton?
32. Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
33. Is food more important than happiness in life? Your appearance to others?
34. Eating is conforming.
35. When you start to get dizzy and weak, you’re almost there.
36. Hunger is your friend and it won’t betray you like food.
37. Food is mean and sneaky. It tricks you into eating it and it works on you from the inside out, making you fat, bloated, ugly, and unhappy.
38. Think of anorexia as your secret weapon.
39. If you can name one reason to be fat, I will name a million to be skinny. I’ll name them even if you can’t find a reason to be fat.
40. Thin people look good in ANY kind of clothes. 

This morning.  

This morning when I took one larger breath in.

I'm getting there.

Here's some thinspo