Dream

Basically life has been shit since Thursday. 

I've been more secluded, alone, paranoid, afraid, worried than ever before.

I feel like Landon is using me just because he has no one else, and he's afraid of what I'll do to myself.

I argue with myself a lot now, rant inside my head, without even really thinking about it I told myself that I wanted to die, I was sick of it. That was the first time I said it without having something behind it fueling it fresh.

I was feeling decent until one night at Landon's he was sitting there telling me everything he loved about me and then he just about says "I love your personality" but then he says "well actually that's something you could work on".....not making it a joke nothing he was dead serious.....like seriously how could he say that to me especially when he knows how I handle things like that now.....I'm not a bitchy or mean person. I do everything for him literally everything, when he needs something from the other room I GO GET IT. It hurts.

I didn't go to the therapist and my anxiety hasn't been as bad. I'm trying to get into a psychologist but my mom is taking forever about the appointment.

Starting the ABC Diet tomorrow but a slightly more difficult version. I printed out on a list my calorie goals for each day and a log sheet so I can really keep track. I've only had half a banana today so, so far lookin good.

I've been imaging lately a lot about what it feels like to people who finally get the courage they needed to commit suicide.....Like people who jump off cliffs what is going on in their minds when they fall?? Are they scared? Worried? Happy? Relieved? I feel like it would be such a weight lifted off my chest to just leap off a cliff and realize Hey I finally did this, I won't have to deal with anything ever again. I'd be relieved.