Same Old Bullshit

Sitting in the movie theaters waiting for Men In Black 3 to come on. A 3-D preview comes up on screen, I look at my ticket and it says "MEN IN BLACK 3-D". Landon gets up without me asking him to, and goes to get 3-D glasses. I check my phone nothing, so I put it on silent. The movie starts, Landon walks back in. He's mad. I didn't see a text he sent me asking if the movie started in 3-D so "I wasted his time". I already know he's going to be in one of his moods. He seems to cool down during the movie, but halfway home he starts again. He tells me he's still irritated with me that I didn't tell him the movie started. I'm apparently retarded because "I worked in a movie theater and tickets haven't changed in years". Which I pointed out was wrong because only a year ago they changed tickets because theaters stopped using film rolls to play movies, they went all digital. And of course "I was being a smart ass"...Sometimes he reminds me of Danny Devito in the movie Matilda. We get to his apartment and he's talking down to me again. Telling me everything that I've ever done wrong like I haven't heard it from him a million times. How I lie about everything, even though I haven't been lying to him about anything. He's tired of my small lies to my parents and he doesn't understand how hard it is to just tell the truth. He shouldn't even be talking he's lied so much to me this entire relationship, even if it was just things like living in Ireland, or still being sick, I don't call him out on it. Landon is one of those guys where he's always had to have done something just like the story you're telling but it always has to be a better story than yours. It could be like "I just cut my knee open on a rock" his would be "Well, I just cut open my whole leg on a boulder while rock climbing in Jamaica"..yeah some bullshit like that. Anyways, he keeps yelling for an hour, telling me if I even start to cry that I have to leave his apartment. Then, then he says it "I don't know why you're even here. What's the point of you being alive? Why don't you just die?"....Aren't those just the best words to hear from the one person you have in your life, that you care about more than anything. I could have died in that moment. I wanted to more than anything. I could see in his face as soon as he said it, he knew what he said, and he knew it wasn't right. I just curled up and couldn't think. I couldn't move.  It's been stuck in my brain, fried into every single thought I've had since then.

He took me out this weekend. We went to the Natural History Museum, Butterfly Pavilion, Rose Garden, Science Center, China Town. He bought me lunch, a necklace, and a bamboo plant. He said we did so much this weekend because he wanted us to have fun. I knew that was a lie. He wanted to kiss my ass for what he said. Yesterday I asked him, and he admitted it. He said it was him sucking up because he's been an asshole lately. Then he says "but no matter how much of an asshole I am you still stay so?"....that really made me think.

He's been noticing my weight too much though. I'm 105 today, and last night he randomly asked me how much I weighed and I just told him I don't know I haven't checked recently. He asked how many calories I've been consuming because he knows I try to keep track. He guess 800 calories a day, not even close. I don't even like to get passed 200 calories, but I told him I haven't been counting as much just eating less bad foods. He started going on how he can clearly see my spine now, and my shoulder blades and if I keep going he's going to admit me...I asked where and why?...he said into a hospital for anorexia. He can be so over-dramatic all the time. He's tired of seeing me only eating fruit. I think this is so dumb, because he's always there when I binge. He's the reason I binge so badly but he still says I don't eat.

I'm so numb all the time now though. I don't even enjoy anything about him or life anymore.

I think from now on i'm going to stop writing about my self-loathing cause I don't talk to anyone about it anyways. I just vent it all out, but never feel better. I wish therapy would work for me. So from now only be blogging about my intakes.

yesterday went well all i had was 1/3 cup edamame, 1 kiwi, 2 pineapple spears, 2 cherries, 1/2 banana, 1/2 peach , 1/2 cup chicken breast, 1/4 cup corn, 8 cups of water

today i'm planning on keeping it similar probably or hopefully less. I'm going to take a diet pill early and more often today so I can stay full.