Love & 90 lbs here I come

ughhh I can't even describe the hell.

I haven't slept in two days. Last night when I was "asleep", more like I was awake but then I was asleep at the same time does that make sense? Well I started fucking Zoloft last night and I already hate it and want off of it. The sleeping medication doesn't even induce sleep. So I've been tossing and turning for the past two nights having the worst sleep of my life. Last night taking the first dose of Zoloft I had nightmares.....they all were about my parents....I was in the backseat of my car on the freeway and my dad's running along the car and I'm trying to help him in the car and I'm screaming "GET IN" and I literally woke myself up screaming that, and then another dream I don't remember as much but I remember seeing my mom and sister I walked into the house and just went ballistic I instantly snapped and I ran away so mad at myself that I did that to them and I once again woke up screaming....yet no one in my house noticed :( Then finally it was time to wake up for work and I had such a fast heartbeat it scared me so badly....I wanted to check my blood pressure but my mom was rushing out of the house so she's screaming at me and I start freaking out thinking I was going to pass out so I go into a full blown panic attack. It was absolutely the worst one I have ever experienced, and it lasted for 2 hours....My chest still hurts and I'm very emotional. I've somewhat reconnected with a friend who i've distant myself from but she texted me today and I told her i'm sorry i've been so distant and she tells me "you need someone who will love and support you all the time. I will never judge you or avoid you for talking about stuff like this. You're going through a lot and sometimes you just need people to be there and listen" I literally broke down crying. She's been my bestfriend since preschool, my sister and her brother and dating and I've been such a bitch just for her to be so wonderful. I wish she lived closer still :( she goes to college up north and all I want is a hug from her. She really has been trying to help me all day by calling people she knows to try to help me get a new job, and she's been looking into school information for me. I love her dearly. This disease is ruining me and my life.

good news though as of this morning I weight 91.8 lbs!
I'm hoping when I go home I'll be 90 lbs or less!


I hope you're all doing well .

FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
SERIOUSLY I'M GOING TO LOSE IT TONIGHT.
I'm at a point where I can't stand anyone at all.
I see myself in a mirror and I want to throw something at my reflection.
My family, my boyfriend I'm just so fucking tired and done with it all the contradictions, the lies.

I'm just really fucking frustrated I want to throw my head into a concrete wall.

Tonight will be interesting one with Landon. I just get that feeling in my chest when a big fight will happen and  I'm already getting that feeling & I still have 2 more hours till I see him. Fuck him. I have to deal with reality and everyday misery while he sits back and sleeps till noon or later & then barely fucking acknowledge that I'm even breathing or having a bad day at work. I just want to go to bed early but I wont be able to cause then he goes on how lazy, boring, least spontaneous person ever......Yet he's the one who goes to bed at 3 am wake ups at noon, goes to hookah, eats, goes home, smokes weed and it just replays over and over every god damn day. While I get to go to bed at like 1:30 am wake up on and off throughout the night, wake up at 7 am for work, work for 9 fucking hours, go home, go be his fucking slave.....& I'm the lazy one!? FUCK


Anyways some good news Kate Moss has a Coloring Book Called Kate Moss Color Me Good and I've found most the pages online so I'll post them for anyone who wants to print them out and pass a little bit of time.

& I needed some motivation since my FATNESS decided to gain weight....FUCK ME

just for fun <3

1.2.3.4

I haven't had a chance to weigh myself at all this weekend but last night I had a bad binge :(
at least 14 Hi-chew candies
1 small milkshake
1 small fries
& then all the other crap before that during the day

Today though I've got it under control

Thanks to my mom today I've ate a teeny tiny portion of a salad like literally maybe 1/2 a cup
and 1/4 of an apple
for dinner I'm going to make a big salad


I had my psychiatrist appointment on Saturday and he decided that the medication was probably making me worse. So he planned to put me on remeron, buspar, and trazodone but he called and I let him know a main concern of mine was gaining weight ( I knew the remeron would have that side effect) so he agreed that he definitely didn't want to add more stress on myself so we'd stay away from medication that causes weight gain. In the next couple days I'm weaning off the Lexapro and starting Zoloft and for sleep and "slight PTSD"  he gave me Prazosin....which is actually mainly for High Blood Pressure but an off label use is PTSD....it says take one pill at bedtime and if needed take another 45 minutes later.....& its main side effect Low Blood Pressure...NO SHIT! The cutting is still going on practically daily but nothing too bad I guess...I don't even know why i don't have to be super sad crying but I just have this feeling and this pressure in my body and I don't know how to get rid of it.

Unexpected

I had a breakdown last night, and I was at Landon's apartment....

I don't even exactly remember how it even started. He was getting upset because he was saying there's no reason for me to think of suicide. He wasn't yelling but I could see that he was getting tense about it. I started trying to explain and that went into my parents fault for never talking to me about things (literally they never ever ever talked to me about problems, feelings, anything). Then in went into the subject of resenting my mom for not making me lift up my sleeve further when she first saw my razors...How I just felt hurt...She could have helped me from the start so it never got this bad. & after that I just was sobbing my eyes out and I couldn't stop talking about why I was hurting so much. It's like my mind just blurting everything out because it could no longer be locked up in my head....I expected Landon to get mad, to start arguing with me about this, to just be mean....but to my surprise he didn't. He looked at me with the most hurt, and worried look in his eyes and crawled up next to me on the floor and held me...let me cry everything out...he rubbed my hair....he was being the type of guy I need...the type of support I need on a daily basis. He then started going on about how no matter how many fights we have, no matter how bad we pick at each other's flaws, no matter how many hurtful things we say to each other he will never ever leave me. He looked straight into my eyes and told me no matter what is going on between us, if I ever feel like I've gotten to that point of no return that I have to call him. He kept saying he can't lose me ever. 

But who knows how today will be. He has a day ahead of him that usually just leaves him pissed off and taking it out on me in the end....so I guess tonight will really show if he meant it. When I left for work this morning he looked at me as I left with the most worried look I've ever seen on his face...I felt bad.

I had a small binge last night...it was only an ice cream bar, and a few gummy snacks. These kind of binges always make me so starving in the morning. It seems to speed up my metabolism. 

I've begun planning my food for the weekend. I tend to eat out of control on the weekends so I've created baggies of small snacks with the calorie amount written on the bag. I've also done it with drinks as well but just measured them out back into the bottle so I can mark off how much is a cup. I'm hoping this will help control what I put into my mouth.

Thank you to all my new followers I adore all the motivation and comments <3

I've ate today a salad that couldn't have been more than 180 calories probably less than that. & just a bunch of water but I still feel sooooo thirsty. 

Still not feeling too well. Only 2 more days till my psychiatrist appointment.

oh and i used this website and it decides to tell you what % of people are skinnier than you! like jesus fucking christ this pushed me over the edge http://www.bmi.name/world-statistics.php?ln=en&h_feet=5&h_inches=2&h_cm=&gender_pound=2&age_pound=19&gender_kg=&age_kg=&bmi_kg=&bmi_pound=17.4&type=1

I should be thinner according to weight :(

95 lbs is what I weighed last night. I do not look 95 lbs.


Landon was wonderful last night only to become a monster again today. I had really shitty sleep waking up every 2 hours. We had to his parents in the morning because the painter was coming for the bathroom. After words I drive us to get weed spent 60 dollars. And he buys me a 5 dollar sandwich -_- so we go backto the apartment to see if the painter was done. He hadn't even showed up yet. So we were going to eat lunch at a park and I brought landons waterbottle into my car, thinking it was a nice gesture, forgetting he needed to fill it up with the jug of water he had in his truck (that he was going to park closer to my car) he calls me asking if I had his water screaming that I was wasting time because he was looking for it. It was a genuin mistake I told him I was sorry just to have him flip out saying it doesn't make sense why I would take it when he already told me he needed it. I told him I honestly forgot and he keeps screaming. I walk away screaming "fuck you, it's a damn waterbottle!" I get into my car the windows are down he comes charging me saying "it's just a waterbottle right? Just fucking water?! " and I say yeah just water. He throws hi open bottle at my car getting water all over me, inside an outside of my car. After everything I did today do him. He at on the curb glaring at me. I'm sitting there sobbing screaming I'm tire of fighting over stupid ass shit! He then gets in the car, we leAve and 10 min later he puts his hand on mine. I hate Him so much sometimes.

He's why I starve,cut,want to die.

95lbs isn't supposed to look like this. What's wrong with me?! :(

more babble bullshit

I know I've posted twice already today but I'm so angry.

for the past 2 weeks i've been begging landon to go hiking but he keeps saying "we have to see how I feel" 

& we never end up going.

Well I'm stuck at fucking work today and what does he do?! Go hiking & decides to send me pictures of all these frogs he found and it pisses me of  that he would do this and shove it in my face.

I know i'm over reacting but how things have been between us lately, it just upsets me.

I cut deep twice. I don't know how this habit came crawling back so fast. I had to stop myself at two cuts because I wanted to keep going and going deeper. Weird thing is I kept going deep and all I saw was white tissue I didn't even bleed.....and then small trickles started but nothing more than that. I don't even feel like I'm alive....

Intake today is about 160....

I'm very weak. It hurts my muscles to carry a stack of papers. 

I found a GREAT THINSPO blog on tumblr http://beckyyanalynn.tumblr.com/

& found this article to be interesting http://mashable.com/2012/08/20/pro-anorexia-blogs/

FUCK. I want to look like them.

I will fucking do this. I'll be so weak and brittle I can barely sit up.

anything to be skinny :'(

I don't know why I want to be so badly. I just want to hit myself in the face when I think about eating. It just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. 

or maybe it just brings me closer to death....