ughhh I can't even describe the hell.
I haven't slept in two days. Last night when I was "asleep", more like I was awake but then I was asleep at the same time does that make sense? Well I started fucking Zoloft last night and I already hate it and want off of it. The sleeping medication doesn't even induce sleep. So I've been tossing and turning for the past two nights having the worst sleep of my life. Last night taking the first dose of Zoloft I had nightmares.....they all were about my parents....I was in the backseat of my car on the freeway and my dad's running along the car and I'm trying to help him in the car and I'm screaming "GET IN" and I literally woke myself up screaming that, and then another dream I don't remember as much but I remember seeing my mom and sister I walked into the house and just went ballistic I instantly snapped and I ran away so mad at myself that I did that to them and I once again woke up screaming....yet no one in my house noticed :( Then finally it was time to wake up for work and I had such a fast heartbeat it scared me so badly....I wanted to check my blood pressure but my mom was rushing out of the house so she's screaming at me and I start freaking out thinking I was going to pass out so I go into a full blown panic attack. It was absolutely the worst one I have ever experienced, and it lasted for 2 hours....My chest still hurts and I'm very emotional. I've somewhat reconnected with a friend who i've distant myself from but she texted me today and I told her i'm sorry i've been so distant and she tells me "you need someone who will love and support you all the time. I will never judge you or avoid you for talking about stuff like this. You're going through a lot and sometimes you just need people to be there and listen" I literally broke down crying. She's been my bestfriend since preschool, my sister and her brother and dating and I've been such a bitch just for her to be so wonderful. I wish she lived closer still :( she goes to college up north and all I want is a hug from her. She really has been trying to help me all day by calling people she knows to try to help me get a new job, and she's been looking into school information for me. I love her dearly. This disease is ruining me and my life.
good news though as of this morning I weight 91.8 lbs!
I'm hoping when I go home I'll be 90 lbs or less!
I hope you're all doing well .
You're never alone, this friend sounds like a real keeper :) Hold her close and never let her go! And you will always have us. We will never leave either. Nearly 90lbs!!! That is teeny teeny tiny!! xx
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you've found a truly loyal friend, I'm glad there's someone who lives nearer to you who can be there for you.
ReplyDeleteI really hope you're feeling better now, I've been so worried about you. I hope you get an appointment to see your doctor soon so he can assess your medication.
And nearly 90lbs, I'm so happy for you darling.
Love you so much, take care.
Oh huni, your friend sounds like such an amazing and caring person, I am glad that you have her.. the medicine sounds awful - I was on some tablets like that that put you close to sleep but dont actually let you sleep - wtf. Maybe go to the doctor and tell them that its not working and its the most awful drug in the world. Alot of medicines do make your blood pressure and heart rate effed up so maybe mention that and get them to give you something without the side effects.. I am so sorry you are having nightmares.. I hope you are ok dear.. wow 91.. you will be 90 in no time my dear. Love you! <3 x
ReplyDeleteMind you x
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