FAILURE

I gained.

& panic attacks caused by the realization that anorexia is literally going to kill me 

is pretty fucking scary.

This disease is such a mind player. One day you want bones. The next day the thought of too much bones sends you into a panic. You want to die. You don't always want to die. This zoloft has made me just even more difficult. I have constant anxiety about what my medication will do to me, or what i'll do to myself while on the medication. I'm in a haze all day long. I can't even remember doing anything at all this weekend besides taking my medicine and smoking weed, oh and throwing up for no fucking reason.....

I've been fat today.

I binged last night. which made me wake up super hungry this morning and I didn't fight the urge....I ate...

1/2 coffee cake

1/2 salami and cheese sandwich (disgusting but i was hungry and my mom made it)

other half of the sandwich

and a couple of pita crackers...

& some water. 

96 lbs this fucking morning.

GOD WEEKENDS FUCK UP MY WEIGHT.