I don't even exactly remember how it even started. He was getting upset because he was saying there's no reason for me to think of suicide. He wasn't yelling but I could see that he was getting tense about it. I started trying to explain and that went into my parents fault for never talking to me about things (literally they never ever ever talked to me about problems, feelings, anything). Then in went into the subject of resenting my mom for not making me lift up my sleeve further when she first saw my razors...How I just felt hurt...She could have helped me from the start so it never got this bad. & after that I just was sobbing my eyes out and I couldn't stop talking about why I was hurting so much. It's like my mind just blurting everything out because it could no longer be locked up in my head....I expected Landon to get mad, to start arguing with me about this, to just be mean....but to my surprise he didn't. He looked at me with the most hurt, and worried look in his eyes and crawled up next to me on the floor and held me...let me cry everything out...he rubbed my hair....he was being the type of guy I need...the type of support I need on a daily basis. He then started going on about how no matter how many fights we have, no matter how bad we pick at each other's flaws, no matter how many hurtful things we say to each other he will never ever leave me. He looked straight into my eyes and told me no matter what is going on between us, if I ever feel like I've gotten to that point of no return that I have to call him. He kept saying he can't lose me ever.
But who knows how today will be. He has a day ahead of him that usually just leaves him pissed off and taking it out on me in the end....so I guess tonight will really show if he meant it. When I left for work this morning he looked at me as I left with the most worried look I've ever seen on his face...I felt bad.
I had a small binge last night...it was only an ice cream bar, and a few gummy snacks. These kind of binges always make me so starving in the morning. It seems to speed up my metabolism.
I've begun planning my food for the weekend. I tend to eat out of control on the weekends so I've created baggies of small snacks with the calorie amount written on the bag. I've also done it with drinks as well but just measured them out back into the bottle so I can mark off how much is a cup. I'm hoping this will help control what I put into my mouth.
Thank you to all my new followers I adore all the motivation and comments <3
I've ate today a salad that couldn't have been more than 180 calories probably less than that. & just a bunch of water but I still feel sooooo thirsty.
Still not feeling too well. Only 2 more days till my psychiatrist appointment.
oh and i used this website and it decides to tell you what % of people are skinnier than you! like jesus fucking christ this pushed me over the edge http://www.bmi.name/world-statistics.php?ln=en&h_feet=5&h_inches=2&h_cm=&gender_pound=2&age_pound=19&gender_kg=&age_kg=&bmi_kg=&bmi_pound=17.4&type=1
oh and i used this website and it decides to tell you what % of people are skinnier than you! like jesus fucking christ this pushed me over the edge http://www.bmi.name/world-statistics.php?ln=en&h_feet=5&h_inches=2&h_cm=&gender_pound=2&age_pound=19&gender_kg=&age_kg=&bmi_kg=&bmi_pound=17.4&type=1
I'm happy you're getting in to see your psychiatrist. I really hope Landon keeps this up and does not revert to Dbag mode. You don't deserve that. Still I'll give him credit for sticking by you through the breakdown. I'm sure that "mini-binge" is not gonna ruin anything. The weekend bags seem like a great idea.
ReplyDeleteHope Landon stays being sweet. It breaks my heart that he doesn't normally give you the support you need.
ReplyDeleteAnd that BMI statistics thing just destroyed the appetite. I measured mine and 51% of women are thinner than me.
How? I don't want to be in the middle. That's possibly the worse result. I won't stop until I'm in the bottom 5%.
Good luck with your measured foods. I need to get organised like that.