Reach Out

No matter how hard I try, I can't escape myself. I can't escape the thoughts that are constantly reminding me how much I've been failing. I feel like my whole life was taken from me. Everything that I was, everything that I loved was robbed, and all I want is to take it back. Take back the young girl that knew how to have friends, how to interact with people, that used to be playful, and spontaneous, that would just run around singing and dancing now giving a care what anyone thinks. I'm so angry all the time because I just want to be who I was. I want to go back to her. I just want to scream into someone's face everything inside me, all the feelings, anger, pain, sadness, just tell someone I NEED HELP. But I'm never getting that help.......

I'm realizing that I'm not the type of person to just "settle" for something. I have a mother who has settled for everything in her life, and she tries to tell me she doesn't want that for me but she's the one who's made me settle for this job I hate, she's trying to make me settle for school and do something I don't even want to do. I'm not a settler. That's probably one of my biggest flaw or the only good thing about myself, I haven't decided. I think that's why me trying to decided what I want to do for a living is so difficult. I can't settle on anything, because nothing makes me happy anymore. I tried to make a list of things that make me happy and I really did try really hard to think of things that make me happy and this is all I came up with 1. Being outside in the bright, warm sun 2. Landon when he hasn't gone all bi-polar on me....That's it. I thought of putting my dog down but she doesn't even make me happy anymore. She pisses me off more than anything actually. Am I really this fucked up I can't even think of more than 2 things that make me happy?.....

I don't even know want to start talking about my eating....but I guess I should. I ate like shit all week, but I was finally hungry and I wanted to eat, but I chose the worst foods in the world. Loads and loads of carbs, sugars, and processed crap. I weighed myself on Saturday I was 113.4 lbs....gained too much. I just feel so exhausted all the time. This whole week I ate as if I didn't care what was in the food I ate, but literally every bite I took I had to ignore the voice in my head thinking about the calories, and fat, and how my stomach is already poking back out. Then what do I do after eating a bowl of rice at 11 pm?...I come home at 1 and start eating potato chips, and cheetos...real nice right?....Shoot me in the fucking head.

I'm starting to slip into these dazes throughout the day. I'll just be sitting there and then suddenly *poof* I'm in my own world. Literally it feels like my own world, I block out all noise, people around me, and its this voice telling me all my fuck ups, all my worries, all my problems, my fears to where I start bursting in tears from paranoia, and anxiety. 

I'm pretty sure I have abandonment issues, massive ones but i'll explain that later in a different post.

Work forgot to do payroll this weekend so i'm getting really pissed off having to wait for my fucking money.

No One

I still haven't weighed myself "/ I'm being such a coward and still eating. I've been eating so many carbs it's ridiculous. I can see all the fat in my stomach coming back out. Yesterday i blacked out while hopping in a shower with Landon. He literally had to hold me up and I just started collapsing and he had to lay me down. Everything was turning white, I had ringing in my ears to where I couldn't hear and then I thought I was going to throw up everywhere.

I shouldn't be eating today but I already had fruit and I really want a slice of toast "/

My mom all of a sudden is all youre getting too thin....like wtf

I cut.
I cried all night.
I woke up having a dream where I woke up fucking happy, just to have the impact of reality hit me in the fucking face as hard as possible.

I don't know how i'm going to get through my day. I'm stuck at work and just the thought of not having Landon in my life makes me burst into tears. He went to the ER for a panic attack. He always goes in whenever we fight. He's a valium fiend. I wish I could have something to numb the pain. I'm worried I havent heard from him. I just want him to be okay.

I'm losing my whole life. My best friend, my boyfriend, my love, the only thing keeping me together anymore. I want to be everything he wants me to be but I don't know how.

I'm having bad stress induced vomiting. I have a fucking headache that's radiating my right ear all the way down my neck. I can't breath all I want to do is drive and drive some place where I can scream as loud as possible. Landon always had this idea to go to the cliffs, grab a carton of eggs, and just scream as loud as possible what's going on in your head as you throw the eggs.

I really miss him :(




already had half a chocolate bar, a hot dog, and some diet snapple

105 + 310 + 10 = 425

fuck me.

.....

Having the worst night.

So Landon started a fight because I couldn't come up witha fucking idea of what to do tonight or where to go. So I end up going home and he tells me hes been questioning our relationship the past few weeks! Like seriously the past two weeks ive had a lot of shit on my plate and i'm sorry im not someone who can just express their emotions so easily.

He doesn't fucking know that every god damn day I wake up the first thing I think about is him, and if he's okay. He doesnt fucking get that I am being consumedd by the shit that's going on in my fucking head. That I cant even figure out what's going on in my fucking head. I always have the urge to cut to where its barely controlable anymore. How every fucking day I just want to blow my fucking brains out. How tonight I seriously almost didn't stop my fucking car so I could crash. How I kept imaging rolling out of his truck and being run over by a big rig. How I just want to be done with all this fucking misery because I CAN'T TAKE IT.

I don't know how people do life. How they live it happily. I want to be them more than anything in this god damn world just to be fucking HAPPY for more than 5 minutes a day. How is life so simple for them? Why do they get that life and I get mine? It's not fucking fair and i'm so fucking sick of it. I want to be able to express myself, be confident with myself, not be afraid of so many things. I literally have NO friends, NO boyfriend, NO family. I am more alone than I have ever been.

INEEDTOCUT INEEDTOCUT INEEDTOCUT INEEDTOCUT INEEDTOCUT INEEDTOCUT.

Excuse Me

so basically my posts are getting shorter because i'm becoming more of a failure.

This weekend was just a nightmare carb binge.
My period didn't come.....
I literally couldn't stop eating even after I already had a meal....
Refuse to weigh  myself
Got in fights with Landon....


I hate myself.

kill me

intake so far

yogurt parfait with lots of strawberries, blueberries, blackberries

half of a nasty disgusting fattening "spicy" pork quesadilla


didn't even get to go on my daily walk today so i'll have to make it up somehow.

108.3 lbs yesterday. I can't believe it under 110 lbs it's wonderful, but my body doesn't look like it at all. And of course what do I do after 2 1/2 days of not eating? Go eat almost an entire chipotle burrito, mexican bread, coke, chips......i weighed myself this morning on my parents scale and it said 111 lbs "/ they're scale is like almost dead though so it never gives me the same weight. I got a fruit and yogurt parfait from Mcdonalds this morning (yogurt literally tastes like whipped cream loaded with sugar) so I used half the yogurt and added more strawberries, more blueberries, and blackberries. Having really bad Acid Reflux today though so I'm having a hard time eating. My hair is literally falling out in chunks though :( How can I fix this?

One thing that has made me very happy lately is that my bones are showing. Landon laid on top of me and starting screaming being all dramatic saying that my hip bones are digging in his ribs. Then when I sit on his lap he complains that my butt is too boney. I really wanna fix the butt thing but i'm happy about my bones coming through.

I keep having fucking creepy scary pregnancy dreams......wtf?

Mean

Just resisted the amazing Red Velvet Cupcake. I haven't ate in two days and trust me these were sure tempting. My mom made me try the frosting to the Carrot Cupcake. One I fucking hate frosting or icing of any sorts and I never have. I literally ask for my birthday cake to have no frosting. But I tried a little dap of the frosting and wanted to puke from the amount of sugar I just ingested. I kinda freaked out earlier too I was buttering a piece of toast for my sister and I got butter on my finger and went crazy for some reason thinking it'd absorb into my skin and make me fat.....I'm working so hard you guys have no fucking idea.


Is it bad that I want to lose more weight so Landon won't want to be with me anymore? I love him, I really do but I feel trapped. He had his time when he was younger to have fun & shit, and I'm barely 19 and I don't have any friends, I'm always with him, sitting there smoking, not being able to get away....

I also decided that since i'll be getting new fucking health insurance in July I'll start writing down everything that is wrong with me. Mostly just the shit that's going on in my head since I can't ever express it out loud, I'll start writing everything down, add more details as I remember and just hand that over to my new doctor so I can start getting help.....I'll post it on here too when I gather it all up and put it into words.

just found this, pretty decent article

http://todayhealth.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/04/17/11231172-beyond-anorexia-bulimia-lesser-known-eating-disorders?lite

Breeze

did shitty on the weekend as usual....broke as shit so i guess that's good I can't buy food
don't want to check weight
don't want to eat
don't want to move
don't want to do anything.


I found out it's very difficult to lose body fat, especially thighs until your BMI gets down to 18.
Mines 20.1 right now I need to get to it!

Where We Gonna Go From Here?

will be getting this tomorrow across my forearm on my scars.

Blowing Away

This is the best thing that could've happened, Any longer and I wouldn't have made it. It's not a war no it's not a rapture. I'm just a person but you can't take it. The same tricks that once fooled me they won't get you anywhere. I'm not the same kid from your memory. Now I can fend for myself.

I just remembered last night I was sitting on Landon's bed, I had just smoked, I was starting to feel it, and then all of a sudden I thought I had fallen asleep I seriously thought I was dreaming and I had food in my hands and I was imaging eating all of it. Then I snapped out of it and realized that I was awake, and didn't have food at all yesterday. 
Then just now I was looking online for recipes for a grilled chicken salad i'm going to make when I get home and I swear I started smelling all the foods right through the computer. 


I'm losing it.

Skinny Snacks!

100 Calories or Less Snacks ! 

85 Calories

1 cup blueberries

90 Calories

3/4 oz sharp Cheddar

70-80 Calories

1 large egg

75 Calories

1 roasted skinless chicken drumstick

85 Calories

1/2 medium baked potato

70 Calories

1 medium apple with peel

90 Calories

13 whole almonds

65 Calories

1 small oatmeal cookie

80 Calories

2 tsp flaxseed oil

75 Calories

3 Tbsp dried tart cherries

95 Calories

2 medium organic kiwis

80 Calories

3 Tbsp hummus

85 Calories

1/3 cup cooked quinoa

5 Calories

1 stick sugar-free gum

75 Calories

2 medium figs

90 Calories

2/3 cup pomegranate juice

65 Calories

1 slice whole-grain bread

55 Calories

1 small baked sweet potato

85 Calories

1 1/2 oz organic hot dog

95 Calories

2/3 oz dark chocolate

85 Calories

25 dry-roasted, unsalted pistachios

65 Calories

1/3 cup shelled edamame

80-90 Calories

1 small scoop lowfat frozen yogurt

75 Calories

3 Tbsp cranberry sauce

99 Calories

2 1⁄2 oz baked or broiled salmon

85 Calories

3 Tbsp all-natural granola

80 Calories

3 Tbsp roasted, unsalted soy nuts

85 Calories

2 1/2 tsp real mayonnaise

95 Calories

9 Kalamata olives

90 Calories

2 cups watermelon

95 Calories

2 cups popcorn with 1 tsp butter

85 Calories

1 cup canned pure pumpkin

70 Calories

1 cup salsa

90 Calories

1⁄3 cup guacamole

65 Calories

1 cup fresh red raspberries

50 Calories

1 cup low-sodium tomato juice

65 Calories

1⁄2 oz natural cheese puffs

50 snacks under 50 calories !

1. 1⁄2 medium apple, baked, topped with 1 Tbsp lowfat yogurt sprinkled with cinnamon (45 calories)

2. 1⁄2 small banana, frozen (45 calories)

3. 4 oz unsweetened applesauce sprinkled with cinnamon (49 calories)

4. 1 miniature box of raisins (45 calories)

5. 2 sugar-free ice pops (30 calories)

6. 1 sugar-free fudge ice pop (35 calories)

7. 12 cherries (48 calories)

8. 1 individual serving sugar-free gelatin with 3 Tbsp light whipped topping (40 calories)

9. 1⁄2 cup strawberries with 21⁄2 Tbsp nonfat yogurt (47 calories)

10. 14 seedless red grapes, frozen (48 calories)

11. 11⁄2 cups salted air-popped popcorn (46 calories)
12. 1⁄4 cup shelled edamame with sea salt (37 calories)
13. 8 oz miso soup (36 calories)
14. 1 pretzel rod (37 calories)
15. 1⁄4 small bag of Glenny's lightly salted soy crisps (35 calories)
16. 1 medium sliced cucumber mixed with 1⁄4 cup sliced onion, 1⁄2 cup chopped celery, 4 Tbsp vinegar and salt to taste (45 calories)
17. 6 oz eight-vegetable juice (39 calories)
18. 1 kosher dill pickle (10 calories)
19. 1⁄2 cup jicama with 4 oz salsa (49.5 calories)
20. 11⁄2 cups sugar snap peas (40 calories)
21. Small celery stalk smeared with 1⁄2 Tbsp natural peanut butter (49 calories)
22. 1⁄2 small apple with 1 tsp soy butter (46 calories)
23. 1 brown rice cake with 1 Tbsp sugar-free jam (44 calories)
24. 1 Laughing Cow Light Garlic & Herb wedge spread on cucumber slices (35 calories)
25. 1 tsp almond butter (34 calories)
26. 1⁄2 cup fat-free Greek yogurt with 1 tsp sugar-free strawberry jam (43 calories)
27. 1 oz avocado (about 1⁄8 of an avocado) squirted with lime (45 calories)
28. 8 grape tomatoes dipped in 1 Tbsp light cream cheese (46 calories)
29. 6 pieces of endive filled with 1⁄2 oz reduced-fat feta cheese (49 calories)
30. 1 slice fat-free American cheese (30 calories)
31. 1 large tomato, sliced, topped with 1 Tbsp Parmesan, broiled (44 calories)
32. 1 oz fat-free cottage cheese on 1 slice caraway Finn Crisp Crispbread (38 calories)
33. 1 oz fat-free mozzarella dipped in 1 tsp marinara sauce (46 calories)
34. Turkey rollups: 2 slices white meat turkey rolled in 2 lettuce leaves (46 calories)
35. 1 oz smoked salmon (about 1 slice) on 2 Wheat Thins crackers (Multi-Grain) (48 calories)
36. 1 tofu dog with 1 Tbsp sauerkraut (48 calories)
37. 1⁄2 cup plain fat-free yogurt sprinkled with 1 tsp sunflower seeds (49.6 calories)
38. 1.3 oz water-packed tuna with 1 tsp Dijon mustard (48 calories)
39. 2 large hard-cooked egg whites with 1 cup sliced cucumber (48 calories)
40. 1 slice Wasa Fibre Crispbread with 2 tsp hummus (45 calories)
41. 1 medium water-packed sardine with slice of red onion (35 calories)
42. 1⁄2 cup melon with 2 Tbsp 1% cottage cheese (47 calories)
43. 1⁄2 small grapefruit (32 calories)
44. 1⁄3 cup blueberries with 1 Tbsp light sour cream (47 calories)
45. 1⁄2 cup carrots with 1 Tbsp light ranch dressing (45 calories)

Gravity

I absolutely fucking love both of these girls! Like you have no idea how in love I am with every single thing about them.

absolute favorite picture of her! <3