Monday, April 23, 2012

.....

Having the worst night.

So Landon started a fight because I couldn't come up witha fucking idea of what to do tonight or where to go. So I end up going home and he tells me hes been questioning our relationship the past few weeks! Like seriously the past two weeks ive had a lot of shit on my plate and i'm sorry im not someone who can just express their emotions so easily.

He doesn't fucking know that every god damn day I wake up the first thing I think about is him, and if he's okay. He doesnt fucking get that I am being consumedd by the shit that's going on in my fucking head. That I cant even figure out what's going on in my fucking head. I always have the urge to cut to where its barely controlable anymore. How every fucking day I just want to blow my fucking brains out. How tonight I seriously almost didn't stop my fucking car so I could crash. How I kept imaging rolling out of his truck and being run over by a big rig. How I just want to be done with all this fucking misery because I CAN'T TAKE IT.

I don't know how people do life. How they live it happily. I want to be them more than anything in this god damn world just to be fucking HAPPY for more than 5 minutes a day. How is life so simple for them? Why do they get that life and I get mine? It's not fucking fair and i'm so fucking sick of it. I want to be able to express myself, be confident with myself, not be afraid of so many things. I literally have NO friends, NO boyfriend, NO family. I am more alone than I have ever been.

INEEDTOCUT INEEDTOCUT INEEDTOCUT INEEDTOCUT INEEDTOCUT INEEDTOCUT.


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6 comments:

  1. The Lovely BonesApril 24, 2012 at 8:09 AM

    You're not alone. I know it might not be the same because we live so far away from each other. But you are not alone. Please don't do anything, I would miss you so much if you died. I really care about you, and he's such a selfish idiot if he doesn't realise how great you are. You've gone through so much recently, he should be there for you unconditionally.
    I hate how sad you are right now, please please please stay strong.

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    Replies
    1. CleonaApril 24, 2012 at 9:19 AM

      I just wish I could go. I finally texted him everything I was feeling and all he said was that I made it that way. That cutting will never go away, that my anxiety is bullshit because I made it worse. I can't talk to him about it because he never makes me feel better whenever i finally do open up.

      You're keeping me here...trust me dying is always on my mind and then i see these comments it makes me think before doing.

      Thank You. It really means a lot "/

      Delete
    2. The Lovely BonesApril 28, 2012 at 10:55 AM

      I'm so so so sorry I couldn't reply to this sooner. I haven't been at home so I could only read this comment on my phone and couldn't reply.
      He's a complete ass hole if he thinks that any of this is your fault. You cannot control your feelings or your anxiety.
      I will always be here for you. Do you still have my email address? You can email me any time day or night when you're feeling alone and I'll be there for you to talk to.

      Delete
    3. CleonaApril 30, 2012 at 10:35 AM

      yeah I still have your email. I thought about emailing you but i had no idea what time it was over there and I didn't want to bug "/

      Delete
  2. AnonymousApril 25, 2012 at 8:38 PM

    I know exactly how you feel, so you are not alone in that sense. I don't know how people live happily and don't let their fears hold them back. I've been reading your blog and I'm sad that things aren't going well for you in general and with Landon. I hope things get better soon, please dont hurt yourself.
    Alice xx

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    Replies
    1. CleonaApril 30, 2012 at 10:34 AM

      I wish I could just steal their mind for one day. Thanks, I'm trying to hang on.

      Delete

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