Reach Out

No matter how hard I try, I can't escape myself. I can't escape the thoughts that are constantly reminding me how much I've been failing. I feel like my whole life was taken from me. Everything that I was, everything that I loved was robbed, and all I want is to take it back. Take back the young girl that knew how to have friends, how to interact with people, that used to be playful, and spontaneous, that would just run around singing and dancing now giving a care what anyone thinks. I'm so angry all the time because I just want to be who I was. I want to go back to her. I just want to scream into someone's face everything inside me, all the feelings, anger, pain, sadness, just tell someone I NEED HELP. But I'm never getting that help.......

I'm realizing that I'm not the type of person to just "settle" for something. I have a mother who has settled for everything in her life, and she tries to tell me she doesn't want that for me but she's the one who's made me settle for this job I hate, she's trying to make me settle for school and do something I don't even want to do. I'm not a settler. That's probably one of my biggest flaw or the only good thing about myself, I haven't decided. I think that's why me trying to decided what I want to do for a living is so difficult. I can't settle on anything, because nothing makes me happy anymore. I tried to make a list of things that make me happy and I really did try really hard to think of things that make me happy and this is all I came up with 1. Being outside in the bright, warm sun 2. Landon when he hasn't gone all bi-polar on me....That's it. I thought of putting my dog down but she doesn't even make me happy anymore. She pisses me off more than anything actually. Am I really this fucked up I can't even think of more than 2 things that make me happy?.....

I don't even know want to start talking about my eating....but I guess I should. I ate like shit all week, but I was finally hungry and I wanted to eat, but I chose the worst foods in the world. Loads and loads of carbs, sugars, and processed crap. I weighed myself on Saturday I was 113.4 lbs....gained too much. I just feel so exhausted all the time. This whole week I ate as if I didn't care what was in the food I ate, but literally every bite I took I had to ignore the voice in my head thinking about the calories, and fat, and how my stomach is already poking back out. Then what do I do after eating a bowl of rice at 11 pm?...I come home at 1 and start eating potato chips, and cheetos...real nice right?....Shoot me in the fucking head.

I'm starting to slip into these dazes throughout the day. I'll just be sitting there and then suddenly *poof* I'm in my own world. Literally it feels like my own world, I block out all noise, people around me, and its this voice telling me all my fuck ups, all my worries, all my problems, my fears to where I start bursting in tears from paranoia, and anxiety. 

I'm pretty sure I have abandonment issues, massive ones but i'll explain that later in a different post.

Work forgot to do payroll this weekend so i'm getting really pissed off having to wait for my fucking money.