I'm so tired of all of this shit going on.

I'm tired of going to therapy, trying to prove myself to everyone, not having any control of my life. I'm tired of having to take medication daily or else i'm more depressed then I ever was. I'm tired of hurting the closest people to me, making up lies to gain their attention, to tangle them back into my life because i'm selfish.

I want a restart button on my life. I would change so many things. Spoken up when my cousin abused me. Stayed in gymnastics. Do well in high school, apply for colleges. Know where the fuck my life is going!

I'm so fucking exhausted I just want to sleep and never have to wake up again because I am nothing. I've made my parents an emotional mess, my sister now exercises constantly and barely eats, my boyfriend is controlling me, my best friend wants absolutely nothing to do with me now that i've informed him i don't see us getting back together....his reply was that he was going to propose soon and that he doesn't ever want to see me again...

How am I supposed to feel happy? I'm drugged to trick my brain into thinking nothing is wrong and that my life is fine. It may look fine to other people but I'm sorry I just can't cope with my life and the directions its taken.

I'm not even skinny anymore. I'm fucking disgusting.

I should just fucking die you know. I am one of those worthless lives that take up space. I just want to drive a bullet into my brain and never do anything again.

Welcoming Audrey Olivia to the World!

The little angel was born today. She's still being a trooper and defying all the odds and "logic" doctors have given her. She is so strong, stubborn, and beautiful...she is ready to live her life, we just hope she's given the chance <3 Trisomy 13, 18, and 21, babies are the strongest beings put on this earth. Doctors need to STOP labeling them incompatible for life! This little girl is proof that these babies are more than capable of living!



Now for an update on myself!


Still shit.hahah
I'm having such a hard time with my eating disorder, and recovery.
I'm not ready for recovery and no one seems to see that. I am not ready to sort out my eating disorder because I don't fully know it myself. The other girls know their eating disorder in and out because they've had it for years and years....I havent had a chance to get to know the ins and outs of it all. I don't want to be 100 lbs I don't want to gain weight....

I have only had coffee today and I was planning on eating one of my meals on my meal plan but right as I was walking into the kitchen my mom looks at me and says " Not to focus on this but you've gained weight huh"....I reply "*grunt*" then she proceeds to tell me how good I look....I feel like a fat fucking whale and she did was make it worse! I feel horrible and disgusting.

I feel like all "Recovery" has done was make me worse.....

but on the good side I got AMBIEN! it seems to keep me asleep for a little bit longer but I am still having the night sweats and waking up fairly early.

Hope you lovely beautiful souls are doing alright <3 I truly do love each and every single one of you. You have been the only ones who have supported me constantly this past year. I have no idea what I would do without you.

That Beautiful Bird

I'm supposed to write "A Letter to my Eating Disorder" telling it off and shit, but i'm still clinging on.
I don't want to recover, I don't want to keep gaining weight. I'm up to 101! :( I'm so fucking upset you don't even know. The girl in my group breaks my heart. She is absolutely gorgeous, her flaws make her even more beautiful. She hates how she looks, she breaks down crying from how ugly she feels and I cant help but cry because I think she's the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. Honestly, she's that one person I keep telling myself I can't let myself like, but every time I see her, ugh, my heart just skips.....I want her to feel how beautiful and wonderful she is. She's is talented, smart, funny, her laugh is just to die for, she is so caring....and she's so focused on recovering. I'm too afraid to get close with her and I drag her back into this sick world. She deserves so much better than this.

Here

I'm back.
I won't let up on this blog again.

I'm starting the New Year at a wopping 98.4 lbs.
I feel absolutely disgusting.
I've purged my lunch today.

I'm now out of Intesive Outpatient Program, but I've been forced into an Eating Disorder Group. They keep referring myself as the extreme restricter. What makes me "extreme"? I'm losing control of food and I need to get it back.

I feel so bad though. My parents are so worried about me now...My dad is going to be starting a new job soon, a great job, but he has doubts about going because he doesnt want something to happen to me....I want to be skinny and tiny and back down to 87 lbs but he won't leave if I'm like that. I'll never be able to live with myself if I'm the reason why he skipped out on this opportunity.

I owe all you lovely girls a big apology for not being here, or commenting. I promise to do my best and I hope you all are alright <3