This is what my life has become you don't even know the emotional pain that's making it feel so physically painful my heart aches from how depressed I feel and I don't know why I'm even depressed I just had a horrible episode and it's been a suicidal roller coaster I can't get off someone talk to me please anyone I'm dying alone and I'm desperate it hurts so much I'm so alone no one know all of this no one

Do you really wanna know?

This night consisted of me writing a hypocritical bullshit letter asking for a donation for the eating disorder walk as i chugged water all day ate three bites of food took three fucking laxatives plus two diet pills during the day. What the fuck is wrong with me? Like seriously all I do is listen to myself talk in my head? What's the normal amount of thinking to yourself? Cause I do it all day and kinda respond to myself. No one knows what to tell me when they ask what's wrong then I suddenly blurt out everything inside . I don't even know what I want to hear but hearing nothing makes me feel pathetic . 

Time to go self mutilate my fucking body with razors. 

Thanks for the talk

Literally have no one else

I have no one else but this blog to say that I'm jumping off a bridge. I'm done. I had the worst breakdown that resulted in me sobbing my eyes out self mutilating disassociating blur. My mom ended up waking up and just holding me as I sobbed on the bathroom floor. I want to die so so so badly it hurts so much to keep living like this. It's not selfish for me to not want to be in misery anymore. I've tried everything to get better and nothing did I just want to make my head quiet. 

Mama said there would be better days

Well today is just one of those fucking days where I've given up on society. I broke my hand punching shit, made two different plans so I couldn't get bailed on once again only to be bailed on by both "friends" I really have no one in my life no one I can confide in no one I can just lay my head on for two seconds so I know it's going to be alright. I'm alone and I want to die more than I ever had in the past two years. I want to plan it out this time I really want to make this end. I constantly day dream of ways that could cause my death but never ways to ensure my death. People keep jumping off the bridge by my house and honestly it's calling my name out. I will do it