WHEN IS IT MY TURN?! fuckfuckfuck!

It is so unfair that there are girls that are just skinny. They look perfect in FUCKING everything. I want that I want to be perfect in every single way. I want to be skinny, funny, nice, smart, have a nice job, nice boobs, nice ass, nice legs. But I don't have any of that.


Yesterday in one of my posts i mentioned that maybe I just don't have a place in society because I was never meant to be here. And I kept thinking about it and it seems more plausable more and more. Everything that i've ever had good in my life was taken away some how. Anything that could have led me somewhere good it was taken away. From the age of 2-about 9 I was an amazing gymnast and my mom decided that I needed to try other sports. So i started loving all different sports and guess what i  was diagnosed with sports induced asthma. I had an opportunity to go to a good school of course my cousin fucked that up. I had a lot of friends in middle school and i broke up with a stupid boy going into highschool and they all left me. I thought i had an amzing boyfriend of 3 years and he left me...I just recently had a good job opportunity but i couldnt go to the interview because mymother wouldn't let me quit my job to go to the interview that my job wouldnt give me the day off for.....It's like when will I finally have something good that I can keep??

I feel so alone and ashamed. Looking at thinspo pictures just pisses me off. Only good thing from this anger is i'm too pissed to eat for the rest of the day

I'M A FAKE - THE USED.

Since I was 12 and all my problems started ; cutting, realizing that my older Female cousin sexually abused me when I was younger, depression, suicide attempts; this song will always be a favorite of mine.

Small, simple, safe price.
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.
And I am not afraid to die;
I'm not afraid to bleed and fuck and fight,
I want the pain of payment.
What's left, but a section of pygmy sized cuts.
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.
To fill and spill over and under my thoughts.
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter.
I'm cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart.
Love is not like anything,
Especially a fucking knife!

Look at me.
You can tell,
By the way I move and do my hair,
Do you think that it's me?
Or it's not me?
I don't even care.
I'm alive, i don't smell
I'm the cleanest I have ever been.

I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry.
Dry.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake.

Do I drink?
Do I date?
I've got perfect placements.
all my ink
Satisfied, in your eyes.
I'm the biggest fan I've got right now.
I made sure that I look how I wanted to look.
The people around me,
The people surround me.

I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry.
Dry.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake.

Just look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake.
Just look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake.

My stomach hurts now,
And all tied off in lace.
I pray, beg for anything to hit me in the face.
And this sickness isn't me.
And I pray to fall from grace.
The last thing I see is feeling.

And I'm telling you I'm a fake,
I'm telling you I'm a fake.
I'm telling you I'm a fake.
I'm telling you I'm a fake.
I'm telling you I'm...

Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake.

Just look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake.
Just look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake.

Fake!
Fake!
Fake!
Genuine fake!!!

Will I be able to stop myself?

I don't think I ever want to be like this. But I can see how people end up this way. Once you start losing weight, even if it's an unhealthy way it's very addicting. I already have a very addictive personality, I can say I AM ADDICTED TO WEED (even if people say "oh you can't be" You definitely can be.) I was addicted to vicodin, my body at one point was dependent on taking aleve everyday. I have to stay away from a lot of things or else I can fall into a deeper hole than I'm already in. But when you start losing weight, starving yourself you see the scale getting lower and lower and each number that goes down you get stronger and more addicted to losing weight. You start going through the day counting ever single calorie, not eating a thing, filling your body with water. Your every thought is about will this make me fat, are they staring at me? Are they judging me? You're always self concious and no matter what weight you lose you still feel this way. And eventually you end up like the girl in this picture. It's hard to stop. I know I can't.

My highest weight ever was 145 lbs. I remember when i started gaining weight I kept thinking okay when I hit 120 I'll start working on getting thinner. Then it hit 130 eventually and then got all the way to 145 and that's when I decided no this can't happen anymore. I slowly reached 130 and then I couldn't lose weight anymore. I tried diets and then I found the world of Pro Ana and I have to say it's amazing. Right now i'm at 122.8 and it motivates me more and more every day. I really want to be at 100 pounds, even though my boyfriend says it's nasty. And I already know when I hit 100 I probably won't be happy still....

A really good Calorie Count website is : caloriecount.about.com

ANY GOOD THINSPO BLOGS??

Does anyone have any really good updated thinspo blogs?? I find pretty good ones and then they're never updated and it kinda sucks "/

I'm having such a good morning. Yesterday I only had 170 calories. I exercised a lot before I went to bed, I said no to all temptations. And it payed off yesterday I was 125 now im 122.8! It motivated me not to let myself eat today well eat a lot. I've already had half an orange for breakfast at work.

I NEED GOOD THINSPIRATION TODAY!

Will you be my Friend?

I decided today that I needed to start a blog and stick with it this time. Everything in my life, my problems, they're getting worse and I need to find something that helps me before it gets out of hand. I know no one is going to actually read this, or if they do, they won't respond, they won't care. That's what I hate about these things. This time though it's about me. My well being.

Do you ever feel like you always questioning your life? Why am I here? What was my purpose? Maybe my life is such a mess because, I wasn't supposed to be here. I was a "unexpected miracle" as my parents used to call it. But maybe that's why I can't find something I'm supposed to do, or be. I wasn't supposed to be here, so I don't have a place in society. I don't have friends. I don't have a good family. I don't have anything to be too happy about. I'm fat, messy, unorganized, stressed, anxious, depressed, crazy, confused, scared. I constantly stress about my future and what will happen to me. I'm 19 I shouldn't feel this much anxiety, and stress. But when I start thinking of my future, how I'm going to make a living, where I will live, how will I make the money to afford this? I end up having massive panic attacks.

Everyday I think to myself "Did you feel any emotion today?". I honestly haven't really felt anything since before I was 12. And after that the only time I felt anything was when I was cutting myself raw. At this time in life I do not cut anymore, but every god damn day its a CONSTANT struggle not to. I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I go through my whole day being stuck in an office working, crying because I am becoming more depressed being here each day, but the only thing I can do to make money right now. My arm is aching to feel something. Just thinking about a blade and the sensation of cutting makes my skin tingle. My body is excited, but I dont....My mind is fucked. I dream of dying almost every night. I don't dream of suicide. I just dream of different ways to die. It has now turned into me daydreaming about dying. Everywhere I go I think of a new scenerio that could happen, that would end up with me being killed by something either falling on me, crushing me, shooting me, catching on fire, being stabbed, murdered..What's wrong with me?....

I've now gotten to the point where I can't even look at myself because I am completely disgusted about myself. I look in the mirror and I see how much weight I've gained and I don't even know how it has happened. I have numerous health problems that because of how shitty my insurance is I can't even start to find any answers. I woke up one morning and my legs from my butt to my ankles are covered in stretch marks. Literally over night my body was ruined. I will never be able to wear shorts, skirts, dresses, or bikinis. Since then my body won't let me eat, not that I really want to....I try to eat and my mouth closes up. I've been eating maybe 100-300 calories a day. It's like I want to eat, but I need to be skinny more. Whenever I think about eating I think of these lyrics to this song I like " Yeah, I want it, but No, I don't need it. Tell me something sweet to pass me by." And that tends to work.

Maybe this blog is a good idea, maybe it won't work out...but I guess its worth a try for now.