I decided today that I needed to start a blog and stick with it this time. Everything in my life, my problems, they're getting worse and I need to find something that helps me before it gets out of hand. I know no one is going to actually read this, or if they do, they won't respond, they won't care. That's what I hate about these things. This time though it's about me. My well being.
Do you ever feel like you always questioning your life? Why am I here? What was my purpose? Maybe my life is such a mess because, I wasn't supposed to be here. I was a "unexpected miracle" as my parents used to call it. But maybe that's why I can't find something I'm supposed to do, or be. I wasn't supposed to be here, so I don't have a place in society. I don't have friends. I don't have a good family. I don't have anything to be too happy about. I'm fat, messy, unorganized, stressed, anxious, depressed, crazy, confused, scared. I constantly stress about my future and what will happen to me. I'm 19 I shouldn't feel this much anxiety, and stress. But when I start thinking of my future, how I'm going to make a living, where I will live, how will I make the money to afford this? I end up having massive panic attacks.
Everyday I think to myself "Did you feel any emotion today?". I honestly haven't really felt anything since before I was 12. And after that the only time I felt anything was when I was cutting myself raw. At this time in life I do not cut anymore, but every god damn day its a CONSTANT struggle not to. I don't know how much longer I can hold out. I go through my whole day being stuck in an office working, crying because I am becoming more depressed being here each day, but the only thing I can do to make money right now. My arm is aching to feel something. Just thinking about a blade and the sensation of cutting makes my skin tingle. My body is excited, but I dont....My mind is fucked. I dream of dying almost every night. I don't dream of suicide. I just dream of different ways to die. It has now turned into me daydreaming about dying. Everywhere I go I think of a new scenerio that could happen, that would end up with me being killed by something either falling on me, crushing me, shooting me, catching on fire, being stabbed, murdered..What's wrong with me?....
I've now gotten to the point where I can't even look at myself because I am completely disgusted about myself. I look in the mirror and I see how much weight I've gained and I don't even know how it has happened. I have numerous health problems that because of how shitty my insurance is I can't even start to find any answers. I woke up one morning and my legs from my butt to my ankles are covered in stretch marks. Literally over night my body was ruined. I will never be able to wear shorts, skirts, dresses, or bikinis. Since then my body won't let me eat, not that I really want to....I try to eat and my mouth closes up. I've been eating maybe 100-300 calories a day. It's like I want to eat, but I need to be skinny more. Whenever I think about eating I think of these lyrics to this song I like " Yeah, I want it, but No, I don't need it. Tell me something sweet to pass me by." And that tends to work.
Maybe this blog is a good idea, maybe it won't work out...but I guess its worth a try for now.
I really love all that you have written. You are not the only one. I am scared too of getting too thin. I am bulimic, I was addicted to helf-harm (sometimes, I still do it)...that is why I try to keep myself from addictive staff such as alcohol, or tv. I just want to be thin for the rest of my life, not only for a few months. I need a new style life...I am 168 cm tall and I weight 59 kg..my goal 53 kg. How can I do it? From Spain with love. Just keep strong!
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