I fucking hate everything in my damn life. I hate that I can't ever be fucking happy and when I finally get fucking happy something has to come and fucking tear it all apart. I can never just have that one moment of peace, and happiness. I always wonder what it feels like when someone commits suicide, and they've wanted to for a very long time. I wanna know what it feels like to finally get that courage and just jump off a cliff. Like as your flying down to your death what is going on in your head as your falling? Are you at peace because you finally did it? Are you questioning if you made the right decision? Are you regretting it? Landon asked me the other day if I'd rather jump off a cliff during the day, or in the middle of the night? It was a good question for me because I don't really know. I love both, the night starry sky with all the constellations out, and I love nature. So for me it depends on where I would be to do this. I want to be able to enjoy that last moment, the last vision I have of Earth to be beautiful. I am so fucking depressed today it's unbelievable. All morning driving to work I just wanted to crash, I want it all to be over. And then Landon pops into my head, and how he was telling me that he's going to find me the perfect most gorgeous rock to make into a ring to propose to me(he knows im not big into jewlery, and diamonds), and how he wants to give me a baby, and be a happy family. I don't know how that makes me feel....I love him to death but can I be with him forever? I don't like the thought of a baby cause the whole thing freaks me out a bit. I just want to die, but I can't leave him, not yet...I don't know what to do anymore....Cry and scream and shout and fight. Its all exhausting. I just want to keep my dog, my boyfriend, my car, my house and stop crying for 2 seconds.
Of course for lunch I had to fucking eat and I want to slice open my fucking stomach and have it all pour out because I wasn't even hungry. And I had stopped eating because I wasn't hungry and then I started eating again like WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with me? I had self control all before this and now it's like I can't control anything anymore. My life is spinning out of control again and I just want it all to be done. For Good. Forever. Please God just help me this one fucking time please :'(
Death s the answer to many people because they feel its the only way out :( But please don't give up, you have a boy that adores you so much, you havew so many good times ahead of you <3
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