Stuck In 'Wonderland'

Today I realized how far i've dug my whole with not eating...It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to exceed 100 calories a day I feel disgusting! It kills me once I start seeing my calorie intake go from 30, 70, 115, 180. Last night Landon and I got in a fight and it made me binge. I ate saltine crackers, and rice cakes...and then I couldn't sleep till 3 am. He just snapped at me for not responding to his text he sent me while he was in the other room...Like seriously?!? But we got past it pretty fast. He's gotten a lot better about starting stupid worthless fights.

I ran about 2 1/4 miles today and it was hard! My asthma really doesn't want to cooperate with me and it's really starting to piss me off. I barely ate and my mom kept pushing food on me. So I got about 120 calories in me for today. Tomorrow morning we're going to watch the Callback Auditions for 'So You Think You Can Dance' and I'm so excited, but we're going to go to breakfast in the morning and I don't know what I'm going to do....

I also bought a belt today that barely fits on the first notch but i figured this will be a good way to see if i'm losing weight (: I keep checking the scale all day just to see if I lost any weight but after binging it wants to stay where it is. I'll probably post some thinspiration in a bit cause I'm dying my hair (cross your fingers! hopefully it comes out okay) and i'm really bored.

FAILED

Yesterday I did so well with not eating!.....until about 12 am when i got high and decided to eat 4 rice cakes and a pack of saltine crackers oh and a rockstar so I was up until 5 am. The binge also happened because Landon decided to snap on me for no reason and it really upset me. I was just taking a small nap and all of a sudden i get woken up to him screaming at me because I didn't reply to a text he sent me while he was in the other room....I hate when he gets into these moods. I know he hasn't been feeling well but I've been trying to do my best to take care of him. Let me tell you though these fights are sooo much better and less intense than they used to be. We've been dating for almost a year now and the first few months were hell! Through our entire relationships we've broken up probably about 8 - 10 times. Cops were called twice. There were a few times that were my fault but other times were just plain fucking stupid ass fights. He gets mad over the dumbest shit seriously and it's really annoying at times. But i'm still here ya know.....


Well trying to not eat today is going to be hard but I'm going to go on a run right now hopefully burn off the 180 calories I already ate today.

Tips?

I wanted to share some tips I feel work best for me to not eat :

• Buy small bowls to eat out of, and only eat out of those.
• Always cut up your food really small.
• Try to only eat fruits and veggies throughout the day.
• Always have breakfast. I usually eat a teaspoon of oatmeal with apples and pears or blueberries.
• DRINK WATER ALL THE TIME.
• NO SODA! GREASE! FAT! CARBS!
• Don't eat anything with over 10 g of sugar.
• Ice chips are your best friend.
• If you work in an office environment make sure to get up and walk around as much as possible. Stretch around, wiggle, move, try to do some of your work standing up. If you have any free time make sure that's a time you get some sort of exercise in. On your lunch break fill a small cup up with fruits and veggies add crushed ice in there. While you munch on this, go take a walk for your entire break.
• Sugar-free Gum is Great for cravings.
• Eat Citrus Fruits they are metabolism boosters.
• Drink at least one cup of green tea a day.
• When you binge, use it as a learning lesson and motivation.
• Take all temptations out of your house!
• Play with your pet, take them for walks (even if they can't be walked) taking them along with you can just be nice for them and yourself.

I'll add more eventually (:

So while I'm taking you for granted

I know I blog way too much but it helps me. I bored and it keeps me away from eating. My mom keeps calling me to tell me she left me a thawed chicken breast so I could make myself food. This fucker is like 6 oz way too much! Since my Dad was home today he kept offering me food too. It's like you guys know I'm trying to lose weight just because you are obese and making my sister obese doesn't mean I need to be. So I made the damn chicken breast boiled it in chicken broth, apple cider vinegar, added tomatoes, and rosemary. I only prepared myself about 1 oz of the chicken and left the rest there for someone else. While I was making the food I could feel my stomach begging for food but now the bowl of chicken is just sitting next to me...and I'm kind of tempted to just feed it to my dog. She keeps staring at me like "are you sure you want to eat that, you know you want to feed me instead" She knows I'm a sucker for her and Hey, I rather feed her hungry belly than mine. I mean its only 30 calories but I don't even deserve any in me today....blehhhh I'm sure i'll be posting another post in a little bit...I HAVE NO LIFE.


Okay! So I made my official weight goals and deadlines.

HW: 145 lbs.

LW: 121.8 (current)

GW: 100 lbs.

UGW: 95 lbs.

I like to set small short goals for myself.

March 6, 2012 : 118 lbs

March 10, 2012 : 114 lbs

March 14, 2012 : 110 lbs

March 17, 2012 : 108 lbs

I'll add more once I see how I'm doing. I'm the type of person when I want something I don't have patience to wait for it I get it done right when I want. So if they goals see kinda extreme, you'll see that I can get them done if I really want to.

Great song. Always and Forever I will LOVE Taking Back Sunday <3

This will work.

Didn't get to run very long my asthma really started acting up really fast. I've been really thinking about tattoos lately. I really need to finish up the ones I have. So here's some thinspo (:

Absolutely fucking love this one! So jealous, wish my chest peice looked like this. I didn't really think mine through.



Be like a postage stamp... stick with it until you get there.



Salvador Dali is my absolute favorite artist. He was a crazy, amazing, creative man.



You've come too far in life to take orders from a cookie!



When I lose all this weight i'm fucking getting this to cover my stretch marks!



Bones define who we really are -- let them show.



Don't give up what you want most for something you want in the moment.

Lol he might not be Thinspo but he sure is SEXY!

Just Keep Swimming.

UGHHHHH is all I have to say for last night! I slept most of the night but I was awake for 3 hours i managed to eat a quarter of my frozen jello, 5 thin mints, package of saltine crackers, and Top Ramen Noodles. I was at 100 calories for the day before then and i screwed it all up. Just means no eating for me today. Punishment time. My mom keeps trying to get me to eat, she's always saving me chicken breasts for me to cook or she'll eat left overs. Right now all I'm eating is fruits and veggies...mostly spinach, blueberries, rasberries, apples, pears, celery, jalepenos, and brocolli. I had grapefruit last week but I havent gotten myself to the store yet. She complaines she barely sees me eat anymore and I don't even want to be eating anything anymore right now.

I went to the doctors today because my stretch marks are getting worse, and so is my ear. She noticed that i dropped weight since the last time i was there and then from then on she wouldn't stop bugging me.

Basically, this was the conversation :

DOCTOR: You've dropped to much weight since I last saw you. Are you eating okay?

ME: Yeah, just fine....

DOCTOR: Have you been throwing up?

ME: No...

DOCTOR: Have you been making yourself throw up.

ME: NO..

DOCTOR : (writes down some bullshit) Are you not letting yourself eat?

ME: No, im eating fine, im not throwing up, im fine....

DOCTOR: (glares at me for too long, writes something down and moves on)

She drew my blood for a thyroid panel to see if that's why I gained so much weight so fast, and got all my stretch marks She also said it could be why my hands get sweaty and my hands shake. I always thought it was just nerves. But the stupid bitch right after i told her my stretch marks got worse she decided to say "Oh, and summer is just around the corner" IT'S LIKE NO SHIT BITCH DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S ALREADY ALWAYS ON MY MIND! Thanks for making me feel like shit.  I went in there fucking high as hell too, all the nurses knew. I always hate smoking and then having to go see people. I always get paranoid and feel like they know ive been smoking lol

One thing that made me happy today is that I went and saw one of my old bestfriends. I  never get to see him much anymore, I miss him a lot...But it's too hard seeing him because he's in love with me and he lets me know. I was in love with him a couple years ago, but something happened that I dont want to get into.....His Dad absolutely loves me though he calls me his daughter in law lol. He used to spoil me so much buy me cell phones give me money whenever I wanted pay my cell phone bills I'm sure if I asked for it I could get a car out of him. Seeing my best friend though makes a lot of my problems go away. He was there through my worst years. Even though he may have caused a lot of the worse times he understands, and knows me better than anyone. He knows that I'm not letting myself eat much anymore, it's killing him but he knows it's what I want. I secretly still love him, but won't ever allow myself to be in love with him, not again...

Anywhooooo! I'm going to go for hopefully a long and relaxing walk/run in my neighborhood maybe i'll come back and look for some thinspiration to post. And on my run I'm going to think of the Weight Goals, and Goal Dates and have them for my next blog(:

DONTBINGEPLEASE.

Feeling really dizzy today. I want to eat a Big Sandwich today but I keep telling myself no. I couldn't take a lunch at work and walk like i usually do because i'm leaving early, and everyone got mexican food today and it smells so good.


I cannot fall into this trap :(

SO HUNGRYYY.

someone help me from eating.