Depression

Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.

It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged."

Psychologists

So my therapist has handed me off to a psychologist already. I could tell she didn't like me very much. I didn't talk enough for her. I did participate enough apparently. She made a stupid cognitive triangle and tried to make me think of positive thoughts....obviously I don't have those....then she made me do visualization, think of of a time where you remember being happy, don't just remember the time remember all the details of it. The visualization kinda worked but it took me about 10 minutes to come up with an answer...I could tell she was tired of waiting...then she had me do a collage, and told me that she thinks Landon and I's relationship is a domestic violence one....whatever. She also says she is not pro-medication but believes I need to be evaluated by a psychologist because therapy itself isnt going to be enough for me....makes me feel great right?.....

anyways finally found sometime during work to post up some pictures. i'll be taking my laptop to hookah later so i'll be posting lots of stuff later! I miss writing.

this one is really not a joke. I was told this many times when I was younger by my "friends" when they backstabbed me, spread rumors about me, made going right into high school physical hell

Instead Of Eating Do This

[  ] Call or e-mail a supportive friend.
[  ] Go to the gym or for a jog.
[  ] Read our Diet and Weight Loss Tips.
[  ] Enjoy a long bath or shower.
[  ] Chew some sugarless gum or brush your teeth.
[  ] Put a puzzle together.
[  ] Play a game with your spouse, children or pet.
[  ] Tackle a household chore.
[  ] Go for a walk.
[  ] Do something you enjoy like knitting to keeps your hands busy.
[  ] Experiment with putting your makeup on in a different way.
[  ] Make a grocery list of healthy foods for the coming week.
[  ] Walk out of the kitchen and give yourself a pat on the back.
[  ] Reorganize a closet or junk drawer.
[  ] Work in your garden, or start an herb garden in your kitchen.
[  ] Do the laundry.
[  ] Write in your diary about what you are feeling.
[  ] Turn on some music and dance.
[  ] Post in our Diet and Weight Loss Forums.
[  ] Read a good book or magazine.
[  ] Take a 15-minute nap.
[  ] Drink a glass of water or other non-caloric beverage.
[  ] Work out with an exercise video.
[  ] Study a foreign language from sources you Google on the web.
[  ] Apply a facial mask.
[  ] Do a crossword or Sudoku puzzle.
[  ] Read a Diet and Weight Loss Tutorial topic.
[  ] Go on-line to find inspirational quotes to keep you motivated.
[  ] Find a saying to repeat when you feel like eating.
[  ] Make a chart and give yourself a star for not eating.

Wanderlust

I'm literally stuck in wanderlust.

WANDERLUST: A very strong or irresistible impulse to travel.


Has anyone seen the movie Into The Wild ? I have been completely obsessed with it for a couple weeks. 


INTO THE WILD : After graduating from Emory University, top student and athlete Christopher McCandless abandons his possessions, gives his entire $24,000 savings account to charity and hitchhikes to Alaska to live in the wilderness. Along the way, Christopher encounters a series of characters that shape his life. 




Every time I watch this movie I end up in massive tears, and my chest tight. It's not so much that it's sad, because it is a sad true story, but it's so inspirational to me. It moves me. It makes me long for that experience to be on my own, to be free from all the bad things in life, to find out the things that make YOU happy instead of everyone around you. I crave to run away, to find myself, to be someone so much better than this. Movies that are all about finding yourself, finding happiness are what really mean something to me, these are the ones that affect my heart and my mind when I watch it, and those are always the best movies. I just want to experience many things but by myself. I just want to be alone. I'm so tired of having people around me all the time. 


My mood has been a wreck all week. I can feel myself going to snap massively one day. All week i've been filled with anger, wanting to just yell and scream and just fucking go off completely. I have these periods throughout the day where I feel just blank, and then suddenly wanting to cry my fucking eyes out, and then 2 seconds later I want to literally fucking kill anyone around me. I have no patience for anyone anymore. I'm just angry all the time. I'm angry with the people, with myself, with my life. You have no idea how badly I am actually looking forward to therapy tomorrow. Since I left her office last week all i've wanted was to go back to her, go back and just let everything out, get help, stop feeling this way. I've come to the point where I have arguments inside my head with myself. I literally sit there screaming back and forth at myself trying to calm down, trying to stop being angry, trying to just feel better. 




Maybe one day i'll just disappear into thin air from everyone in the world. Get rid of everything that would link myself back to my life. 

I realized that i'm starting to cut myself off from my blog, just like I have with my real life. I really don't do anything anymore. Landon is the only reason I'm somewhat alive, he makes me get up and do things. But other than that i'm just drawing myself farther and farther away from everyone and anyone.....i'm sorry

Back

This is the motivation I needed! FULL FORCE ON FIXING MY WEIGHT. Tomorrow diet pills, and water. Salads all weekend and water. I'll be super thin soon!

I have this instant attraction to anyone in dreads <3 

holy fucking hell