Trance Around the World

I've got a lot on my mind today and not just diet crap, or my personal feelings its just like a rant growing inside me about everything going on with me, and this world.

Basically, there's so many people that I care so deeply about, and there's only a couple that truly care back. I'm the type of person that trust too easily. I trust and open up easily about past problems and usually to the wrong people. I could barely know you and all of a sudden I'm blabbing on and on about what's been wrong with me, what has happened to me, but I can never ever get myself to open up and talk about the now and what's going on with myself in the moment. I block up, choke, suffocate. My dad decided to shove that in my face yesterday at Easter. My mom and I got in an argument about work and I got all pissed off, luckily Landon was there to calm me down so I didn't blow up on anyone. But as I'm leaving my dad starts going on about it, and it's like come on you know that I get pissed off easily and he knows if he brings up shit that's going to get mad I'm going to start yelling. Of course I start yelling and he starts screaming at me saying that I don't need to be like this and I need to learn how to talk about things. That right there pissed me the fuck off. It's there fault I can't ever talk about anything. They never let me know it was okay, I've never been able to talk about my problems, my feelings with them because they brush everything off. I was in the hospital for trying to fucking kill myself and they haven't spoken a word to me about it. NOT ONE. It's like they don't even care one bit. There's no effort.

I hate holidays, especially religious ones. My family for some reason decides to make a big dinner whenever there is any holiday. And they cook the most disgusting, fatty, horrible foods. Then we have like step relatives that come and that whole family is all fucked up and crazy there's one girl who decided she's becoming a guy, and her boyfriend (which I don't exactly understand how he's taking her transformation), and her mom who has a split personality. This woman is fucking crazy. They're all vegetarian so I thought hey maybe I can eat some of their food....Nope tasted just as shitty. Landon and I just shared a plate of food, and we didn't even eat half of that plate. It was unbearable to eat and then the fight with my mom happened and I lost all appetite.

The reason I hate religious holidays is not because I hate God or the idea of Him, I just hate the fact that parents and guardians shove these ideas and perspectives down their children's throat constantly. I grew up as a Methodist but even as a very young child I will always have my doubts. I have the brain of a scientist, if I could science would be what I would do with the rest of my life, but I'm too dumb for that. But anyways, for me it's a hard concept for me to believe and understand without the proof, the facts right in front of my eyes. The day I see Jesus walking around healing people and shit I'll believe 100%. Don't get me wrong I have my moments where sometimes God is the only thing I can turn to. I'll be having a shitty day and sometimes you know I pray and hope that things get better. God is a wonderful creation that may have been created to help people to be at ease. It let's people not be afraid of what comes after death, it gives them a sense of hope, and relaxation when they know their final moments are coming. But with how bad our world is, peoples misfortune, death, and even my own disturbing problems it makes my doubts stronger. It's like God created us all right? Why didn't He create me to where I believe in him fully, why did He give me a mind that's so fucked. He has all this power but He can sit back and just watch the world He "created" destroy itself. It doesn't make sense to me at all.

I have no hope for humanity, especially in fucking America. I have no idea why people want to move here. We have such a fucked up economy and government now it's ridiculous. People are unemployed, homeless, they have no health insurance, no car, not anything. And it saddens me when I see these families that have children, young children. They are growing up having no hope, no expectations, pretty much just growing up knowing that they're never going to be much, because they were never given enough. I hate this fucking fat, selfish country. The rich go on living their lives unaffected while the middle and lower class are taking a beating. Our number one priority should be the children in this country, they are going to grow up and become this future so why are we having budget cuts on all the schools. They have cut more than half of school's funding, taking away summer school, tutoring programs, art classes, sports activities, counseling is all gone. Parents are trying to do the best they can for their children, and they can't because of their jobs, and the government taking it all away. Foreigners should stay in their countries and stop thinking about the " American Dream" they have stuck in their head. There is no more American Dream for anyone anymore. This land is dry, hopeless and a lost cause.

I ate this weekend. Before the weekend I weight around 110 lb and I don't even want to weigh myself now. The weekends I eat more, and worse foods because I'm around Landon usually....well I went with him to get his new truck which of course he's already complaining about. I mean I didn't eat way out of control, I didn't really binge either, I just ate and snacked like normal people would. But every time I ate I had to ignore the voice in my head saying its going straight to my thighs, my leg gap will be gone, my stomach is going to start bulging out again. I've been working so hard for this, and I don't want to lose it. This whole week all I'm going to eat is celery, and water.


and thinspo :

eeeeeeek holy shit i'm in love