Just Keep Swimming.

UGHHHHH is all I have to say for last night! I slept most of the night but I was awake for 3 hours i managed to eat a quarter of my frozen jello, 5 thin mints, package of saltine crackers, and Top Ramen Noodles. I was at 100 calories for the day before then and i screwed it all up. Just means no eating for me today. Punishment time. My mom keeps trying to get me to eat, she's always saving me chicken breasts for me to cook or she'll eat left overs. Right now all I'm eating is fruits and veggies...mostly spinach, blueberries, rasberries, apples, pears, celery, jalepenos, and brocolli. I had grapefruit last week but I havent gotten myself to the store yet. She complaines she barely sees me eat anymore and I don't even want to be eating anything anymore right now.

I went to the doctors today because my stretch marks are getting worse, and so is my ear. She noticed that i dropped weight since the last time i was there and then from then on she wouldn't stop bugging me.

Basically, this was the conversation :

DOCTOR: You've dropped to much weight since I last saw you. Are you eating okay?

ME: Yeah, just fine....

DOCTOR: Have you been throwing up?

ME: No...

DOCTOR: Have you been making yourself throw up.

ME: NO..

DOCTOR : (writes down some bullshit) Are you not letting yourself eat?

ME: No, im eating fine, im not throwing up, im fine....

DOCTOR: (glares at me for too long, writes something down and moves on)

She drew my blood for a thyroid panel to see if that's why I gained so much weight so fast, and got all my stretch marks She also said it could be why my hands get sweaty and my hands shake. I always thought it was just nerves. But the stupid bitch right after i told her my stretch marks got worse she decided to say "Oh, and summer is just around the corner" IT'S LIKE NO SHIT BITCH DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S ALREADY ALWAYS ON MY MIND! Thanks for making me feel like shit.  I went in there fucking high as hell too, all the nurses knew. I always hate smoking and then having to go see people. I always get paranoid and feel like they know ive been smoking lol

One thing that made me happy today is that I went and saw one of my old bestfriends. I  never get to see him much anymore, I miss him a lot...But it's too hard seeing him because he's in love with me and he lets me know. I was in love with him a couple years ago, but something happened that I dont want to get into.....His Dad absolutely loves me though he calls me his daughter in law lol. He used to spoil me so much buy me cell phones give me money whenever I wanted pay my cell phone bills I'm sure if I asked for it I could get a car out of him. Seeing my best friend though makes a lot of my problems go away. He was there through my worst years. Even though he may have caused a lot of the worse times he understands, and knows me better than anyone. He knows that I'm not letting myself eat much anymore, it's killing him but he knows it's what I want. I secretly still love him, but won't ever allow myself to be in love with him, not again...

Anywhooooo! I'm going to go for hopefully a long and relaxing walk/run in my neighborhood maybe i'll come back and look for some thinspiration to post. And on my run I'm going to think of the Weight Goals, and Goal Dates and have them for my next blog(: