"Subtle Tea"

All I want to do right now is sleep and I can't because I decided to down Green Tea. I am so proud with myself today though only ate like 50 calories and burned off like x4 of that. I resisted all temptations, and trust me there were plenty. I had a couple pieces of fruit that I was supposed to eat for dinner but I decided that I could go without it. My binge from yesterday really screwed me up though. So I'm thinking if my weight doesn't go back down in the morning I'm just going to have to have another day of eating less than 100 calories. Losing weight is all think about. Everywhere I go I'm looking at labels and nutrition facts. My boyfriend is getting real tired of it. I'm scared, our anniversary is coming up and we're going to be going out to Benihanas but I don't want to eat "/ I know he'll be upset though and I don't want to make him unhappy anymore. I did plenty of that in the past. He's everything I have. He's the reason why I don't cut anymore. I love and hate him for that. I love him for that cause' it was a horrible habit, and a bad way for me to keep all my feelings inside. I always resorted to cutting, it was always there, it always felt good, once I made a tiny cut I just felt a release of pressure and agony. If I was crying I'd cut and it would all go away. It was my breath of fresh air. It releaved all my stress and tension. Oh how I want to cut. But I don't think it will be worth my relationship for.....Maybe I can make it look like i got scratched....really really deep....god i want to cut...i want to eat....i want to sleep....i want  NEED to be thin!

I smoked earlier and when I drove home I wasn't high still I was fine. The second I drank that green tea and sat down on my bed I felt completely floored?? I don't know if its from not eating or what but its pretty awesome (: I resisted munchies tonight! Ughhh it was sooo hard but I did itttt (: