Nothing Changes Until You Do

I'm kind of irritated today. All of the women at my work always complain they're fat! and what do they do for lunch go get fried fish and shrimp tacos and each have like 3 of them. I'm sitting there with my tiny ass salad losing weight and they're wondering why they're gaining weight?? Like seriously it's fucking right in your face and all you do is snack on junk food all day. I'm already at 113.5 calories for the day and i'm like fucking losing it. I try to let myself be okay with eating more than 100 but I can't. My mom goes completely insane and I feel like  I have completely failed. And I don't even have control of feeling this way. It's like i gained control over food, but lose control of my feelings. I feel lost and scared and i'm being sucked down into a deep hole. I wish the bathrooms at work were farther from everyone so I could throw up and no one would hear me.


Intake so Far :

Grilled Chicken Salad - 63 Calories [normally 240 calories but only ate less than a quarter of it]
Croutons - 2 Calories [only ate 2 of the smallest croutons]
Low Fat Balsamic Vinegrette - 16 Calories [used about a teaspoon]
Raw Baby Spinach - 7 Calories
Celery - 9.5 Calories
Grapefruit - 16 Calories



I really really hope Landon doesn't make me eat tonight. We're going to the movies tonight and he knows i'm a sucker for the pizza there. God help me. Oh wait God hasn't helped me in my entire life why would he start now?